Precarious

I am in a weird spot in my life. I have actually been in this spot before. Back in 2008 it looked like things were gonna be real big for me. I had done a spread for Time Out NY where I looked sexified in my cheerleading costume. Then I made a video for CollegeHumor that everyone saw. The standup spots were plentiful. I recorded a song that got radio airplay. I did an appearance on Good Day NY that went smooth. I did an appearance on Rachael Ray which made it to the Soup and got me a cult following. Oh and I filmed a pilot and opened for Aretha Franklin. I also won a major contest and did something on WE. I thought I was going to be a superstar. Did I mention I was very close to signing on the dotted line with CBS for a reality show and my dad was on the phone with the network president?

Sure the show didn’t go through but 2009 was supposed to be my year. And then it wasn’t. All of a sudden everything just dried up. Time Out NY forgot who I was and for the most part when the singing telegram business dried up for a bit when the market crashed. To support myself I was doing promotional work in the cold and then getting paid late because I worked for a company run by a bunch of ex cheerleaders. Ironically I had only worn the costume months before. The standup spots were plentiful but not what I deserved. No one seemed to care that I had been on TV. It was only relevant if I had been on Letterman. So much for being a superstar. I was paying for my groceries with my laundry money and asking my friends how easy it was to get food stamps.

 However it was amazing as my puppet children and I did our street performing how people would run up to us and either recognize us from Last Comic Standing, Rachael Ray, or the Soup. That’s when one of my puppets would ask them to buy us soup because we were starving.

Then around the end of 2009 things seemed to pick up at 2010 started to become magical as Michael Musto not only agreed to an interview with my puppets but greeted me in his bathrobe. Oh and before that there was the appearance with Jeff Foxworthy. I also started producing a one woman show and starring in it. While the venue I did it at was of no help or use it got people to talk about the good things I was doing. I was also on Shovio for a hot minute working under Leslie Gold who was a legend, and joined the cast of the Gong Show and got to perform live not once but twice at BB Kings. Then I filmed for the reality show with my puppet children on TLC. Oh and then there was the Today Show, Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, ABC News Now, Joy Behar and TMZ.  And only a week before I performed for royalty, aka the Sultana of Saudi Arabia.

In one foul swoop I received more TV time than most comedians ever will in their careers. You would have thought the club system I would have done so much for would have embraced me, right? Especially since the network in question gave them a hefty cash donate during slow time. No. Instead they fired me from my own open mic and gave me a song and dance about calling the avails line. I was amazed. I thought all that work I did, all this time and energy, would pay off. Instead it almost worked against me. The particular club system that I left is weird that way. Unless you fit into a niche there and stay they almost have no use for you. I wasn’t a favorite son or daughter who’s act was boring and about weed and would always do spots there and no where else. I wasn’t sleeping with someone producing a show because my career means too much to me. That’s when I left deciding I wouldn’t support that club system whether I was doing spots or watching friends. I would do spots elsewhere and watch friends elsewhere.

I hoped headliner clubs would open their doors to me. I had been sort of in one before it changed hands. But no, it was almost as if I didn’t exist if I wasn’t on Letterman or Leno. That was fine. In reality I was probably never going to be. If it happens I will welcome it like anything else but it probably won’t. Still a lot of the “big names” had been on these shows five years ago and hadn’t received any TV time in years. Yet they were still favorites. Mostly I believe it is because they are men and the industry is mencentric. And the women comedy favors are usually either ugly or if they are good looking they are harmless. They couldn’t box me in that easy therefore these doors weren’t opening. I was past bringing and barking for time. I was more talented and more well known than any of the so-called regulars and was getting more TV time. I wasn’t going to go and suck up. That would be saved for those who couldn’t be recognized. So while it felt like someone throwing sand in my face I for the most part threw in the towel on the standup dream.

I didn’t know what was going to be next for me. So I started making more web videos and became connected with more people who wanted to work with me as a result of seeing me on TV or had heard about me and were impressed. As a result I made a horror movie short, did a magazine spread for Chat Magazine in the UK which is like US Weekly here, appeared in the TV Guide, and started recording music that again got radio airplay. Oh and I received volumes of fan letters every week, mostly from young people who were either bullied or had escaped an abusive relationship. So more than just a fledging superstar I found my stride as an activist and role model. I also became affiliated with YouNow.com and began doing a talkshow on there and broadcasting to people around the world who not only knew my puppet children but were fans. Oh and there was the Pig Roast with Otto and George and then the surprising appearances on Bravo and the Travel Channel. Did I mention I recorded another song and wrote a book?

Was everything fabulous? Of course. I got everything I ever dreamed of just not in the way I planned. But do we ever get what we want the way we want it? No we don’t, but now I am at that cross roads again.

I have been on TV God knows how many times but am still too broke to buy one let alone pay my cable bill. I don’t know what to do next as a result of my career. Should I become bi-costal? Should I move to LA permanently? Then I remember I can’t drive? Part of me wants to pick up and move to England. I am getting a nice fan base there and it might be easier to break in. Then I remember what a pain moving across town was. Talk about moving across the world. But still I might want to work internationally.

Another part of me wants to model more because of all the magazine spreads I have been doing. But the tits aren’t big enough. There is always implants but that requires money. Maybe someone can give me money and then I can buy those and  a TV!

As for my music career I want to push my single and do a video but I have to book the talent on my own, shoot the video and all that stuff. While I sound awesome I am not on the Billboards yet. I know I could be but need a big record label behind me pushing me. Anyone know of any?

Then there is the book. I will be pushing that too. Started a fan page. Trying to make it into a musical. I have a feeling it will be good but I still have to get it released.

Oh and the talk show. I love my home now but of course would like a major network. But the truth is, the networks know the women they like and once these women get there they will never leave. Still here’s hoping.

So far in the New Year I have appeared on CFR, CBS Sports Local with my picks, and am scheduled to do another webshow as well as radio appearance. CFR was good as always. CBS Sports was awesome and so were the guys. Plus my dad liked it which was important. And the radio show is a show my fan hosts which is a compliment.

I am back and fourth about whether to put club dates on the calendar because I don’t want to waste my time unless it is worth my time and my talent. I am not bringing. People will come to see me if you tell them who I am. I am not barking, I paid those dues. I am not taking your comedy class. I have a career you don’t. Oh and most certainly I am not working the door for your show because your girlfriend is sick of you for no spot in return. Don’t you own a TV? Guessing not. Would you like me to tell you about my famous former?

Oh well. I just don’t know what’s next. It looks like I am on the edge of big things once again and maybe they will be yanked away again. I am almost famous. I am almost a household name. I can almost tell so many people to go fuck themselves.

That’s when I look at my almost empty refrigerator and say, “I can at least enjoy that can of tuna fish.”

Love April

PS. Confessions Tonight From 8-10 pm est on younow.com’s show ‘s channel. Topic, Worst First Dates. See you there xoxoxo