Thursday, January 19, 2012

Blasting My Past

A few years back as my readers know I went through a breakup that was nothing short of a horror show. In addition to purely tormenting me himself as well as threatening not only to kidnap me but to take his own life, my ex had his former girlfriends torment me as well. At least once a week these women would write me vile hate mail and hi-jack my posts online in a rather vicious manner. It was to the point where I couldn’t open my computer or go online without getting sick to my stomach.
There were two in particular that I had issues with. One was a good looking girl. According to my ex, she had made up a story about being date raped in high school in order to get back at a guy who rejected her. She carried my ex’s torch until her husband put his foot down about being friends with an old boyfriend. She called her husband jealous, I call him too scared to be alone and therefore with crazy ass.
Maybe she gave a good BJ. That’s why my straight make friends claim to put up with crazy women but who knows.
The other bitch was fat, had a child out of wedlock, and was convinced my ex was the man who got away. This woman encouraged my ex to draw cartoons of me getting mangled and even publically stated once that she wished for my death no matter how it would come. She encouraged my ex to stalk me further and more aggressively. I remember once she wrote that I was crazy and that I needed help. She also assured my ex I would never have a career in comedy and I was no good.
As if her wishing my death was not enough she suggested to my ex via message board in an I Hate April Group he created to get some pictures of me and to write nasty things over them. On one I was posed in a bikini and he wrote slut over it. This psycho said I deserved it and encouraged him to edit the picture with me being mangled. Looking back this was a pathetic jealous woman’s attempt to exert the only power she had over me from the Loser Land called her life, the food stamps that fed her, and the hand she had in her bag of Cheetos and chocolate because WIC buys those things.
People encouraged me not to look at those sites and I didn’t. However the hate filled messages were coming into my inbox at top speed. At the end of my rope and scared for my safety because she was only an hour and a half away and expressed online that if she ever saw me she would kill me. I knew I could mop the floor with the Fat Club reject but the truth was she was so incredibly psychotic it was draining my energy. So I blocked her overaged, MTV watching, bullshit bulletin sending ass on myspace. (This was a number of years ago when everyone was on myspace).
I however went to the authorities on myspace because of my ex and forwarded all of his communication to the proper authorities. I cited that I was being cyberbullied and they were making physical threats. That I was scared for my health and safety. Tom or whoever was on myspace sanctioned my ex for his content. My ex immediately had his harem, this bitch heading it up, send me more nasty notes.
Around this time he told his friends he wanted me dead. There was also talk that someone who looked like him was in my neighborhood asking about me. Although it was never proven it was enough to make me act again. I wore running shoes in case he was to show up where I was wanting a reunion. In the meantime I invested in a separate mailing address because I was moving to a new hood, just didn’t know where. I also went to myspace again, reported him, and this time they deleted his profile. Say what you want about the now defunct Tom but when my ex was torturing me and these bitches were harassing me by-proxy he didn’t put up with their shit.
So my ex built a new profile under an assumed name. When he did my friends informed me that this woman wrote on his wall, “I think some ugly cunt was responsible and we know who now don’t we? The one who can’t get over you.” Meanwhile in addition to harassing me he also was harassing guys I date in addition but I was the one who couldn’t get over it apparently but whatever.
Over time, my ex burnt out and so did his out of shape harpie. My ex started dating some girl who was barely eighteen and thought he walked on rainbows the way I once did. The hate mail stopped and the feeling of utter animosity that I once felt towards this sick, evil, mentally unstable crew faded. Instead I began to feel indifferent really.
I went from hoping this girl got hit by a bus to really not giving a damn. I had other fish to fry. For years really this didn’t cross my mind. I joked about it but then there were other things to talk about.
But then one day I googled myself.
Sure enough she had gone into an online forum and dissed me only a month and a half ago. She said I was crazy and couldn’t get over my ex. Then she accused me of stalking him after the breakup and said she had gotten me kicked off of myspace after she blocked me. Oh and she even said that my ex kept feeding into the fact that I was starting stuff and I needed professional help. She also claimed I said I wanted my ex dead for dumping me and even threated to kill her.
At that moment something in me snapped, something that hadn’t snapped in a long time. All these years ago when they tormented me I had been a lady and never once responded back. I wanted to call bullshit. Even worse, I wanted to jump through the computer screen and just beat her head in. She called me every name under the sun and encouraged a man who was unbalanced to act even more irrationally and violently. The worst part was she was intent on tormenting me without even meeting me. While I can forgive my ex in a way because he had severe mental health issues that he is now getting counseling for, I also knew him enough that we could have legit beef. This woman never met me, never shook my hand, and was just going off of what an old flame told her.
The ironic thing was for as much as she called me slut, whore and perceived me to be promiscuous she had a child in high school to a teen father. I believe she was seventeen and he was fourteen which makes it a whole new level of white trash bingo.
All the old rage piled up in me. The feelings of being betrayed by a man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with came back. I didn’t know what was worse, the fact he had been terrible to me when we were together putting so much pressure on me to marry him that it made me sick or that he stalked me when it ended. Before him I had never had a boyfriend. He said he would be good to me and he turned out to be nothing but pure evil. When I talk about it I feel like I should have my own Lifetime Movie complete with drinking game.
I also felt the humiliation of having my pictures doctored up and nasty words written over them. The worst part was there were men encouraging my ex and calling me a bitch. It was a terrible reminder that in a man’s world I was not only outnumbered but there were men who would perceive me as bitter if I told the truth about this prick. The worst part was, I had stood up to him and now I was a psycho for doing so. In the eyes of a lot of guys it seemed I was the worst kind of woman, one who wouldn’t take shit from a lying bastard who cheated on her and got violent when he didn’t get his way.
Then I felt betrayed again. This time by another woman who never met me. Looking at the big picture her life had been hard. Her mother raised her alone and she never knew her father. She had a kid out of high school, and apparently my ex had made broken promises to her too. And now she was able to be manipulated by him again. I felt terrible for her for being so desperate to cling onto the past. At the same time, having been through hell, I would have understood her and showed her compassion. Instead it was easy for this damaged woman to throw the broken glass in my face.
The final kick in the pants came when I remembered that before Christmas my ex, who I believe is either working a twelve step program or seeking counseling tried to make an amends. It was the biggest insult because he thought I’m Sorry could cure all the damage he caused in my life. It could repair the fact I couldn’t trust men nor could I be loyal to a guy for fear he would torment me in a similar manner. While the world of Victimese is a wonderful resting place I never felt like I wanted to run until after that relationship ended and I have been running ever since.
I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and so upset I could have picked a street fight. I called a friend of mine who’s a writer for the Wall Street. Divorced, she had her husband leave her out of no where. She said to me, “April, I have people write rotten things about me constantly.”
When I explained worse things were written about me on Gawker but this bothered me she explained, “You know the truth and it upsets you that there is some other version out there that people might believe. And part of you is afraid there is some truth in there it seems. But again, you know the truth. From what you tell me this woman is so sick and deluded that no one with a third of a brain would believe her. So let her say whatever she wants. You know it’s not true. That’s all that matters. And if you let her get to you not only are you proving her right but she wins.”
I felt so much better after talking to my friend. Later that day I got a call from another friend who informed me that I was on the OWN network and her dad called me frantic because he had seen me. Oh and then two weeks ago I was informed I was on Layover and Chef Roble. Then there is the single I am dropping, the book I am publishing and the show I host on younow. My series King of the List just debuted on Koldcast. I get fan mail from all around the world. When I am not doing that I have a job that I love where I get to deliver to MTV in a pink gorilla suit, a channel she watches at the pathetic age of thirty three as she cites Justin Beiber as her favorite artist. Did I mention she says Snooki is her hero and Bring It On is the greatest movie of all time?
I told my mom about it later and the anger returned as I began to talk about it. My mom said, “April, don’t give her another thought. She is a high school educated loser who is not worth your breath. It seems God has already punished her.” I had to laugh. My mom was right. But my whole thing is, how did my ex who has nothing going for him get women to do his dirty work? What Svengali charm did he have?
With that I put that part of my life away. I didn’t let that bitch take up any more of my energy. Rather I became thankful for that drama. Not only did it get me to turn my life around but now I chase my dreams harder and faster because if it. I also speak out against dating violence and rights for those who are stalked as well as cyberbullied. I let people know not only is it wrong but also that it is dangerous and harmful. If anything they put me towards the path of light and I will forever be grateful for them.
I also remembered an axiom my friend Roger Ferrer used to say that popped into my mind at that moment. “People are in our past because we passed them over. When we look back they are right where we left them doing the same shit and wearing the same bad clothes.” It was almost as if my friend who God 
bless him couldnt pick his battles came back from beyond to give me a hug. If anyone would have identified with my rage level it would have been him. However he would have gotten even and gotten himself into trouble. Still he was the one who would have known what I felt. That's why I had to do the opposite of what he would have done, let it go. 
I could all this girl a bunch more names. But the truth of the matter is, she is a sick, lonely, sad young woman who is unhappy with the cards life dealt her that is carrying a torch to an old flame who abuses and degrades women and she blindly does his dirty work. In the dark world she calls her life she alienates advocates like myself and doesn’t realize she does the bidding of someone who does nothing but call her names when she is not around like Breeding Lump. (He referred to her this way when we were together).
I will be on TV more and she will choke on it. In a way it will feel good because she made my life a nightmare. But in a way it won’t because it’s like seeing a crippled puppy kicked. It’s a reminder that some people in this world are dealt a set of shit cards and unfortunately born to suffer, and in their sickness they never wake up.
Love April
PS. Watch Confessions this Sunday night from 8-10 pm est. Topic, Most Embarrassing Moments. 

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