Ex-Fest

Last night after Confessions was done my co-host Devon Malik Scott and I were hanging out as usual. Over the last several months Devon and I have become pretty close. We both agreed our New Year’s Resolution was no more dating people with children. Baby Mama Drama is just too much, and women with kids are a trip.

Just for the fun of it we started going to the profile’s of those we had dated just to Gawk. The first stop was my psychotic ex fiancé, Mr. Stalker.My ex-fiance looked the same but only more fit for an America’s Most Wanted Poster. I mean when he proposed on the third date it all seemed so romantic. What was I thinking? Oh and he had ex-girlfriends send me hate mail. This dude had no job, no career, no future and lived in his mother’s basement yet he had these women doing his bidding. With nothing going for him, he managed to have all these women do his bidding. How did he do it? Either these bitches are stupid or he had mad skills.

Then we went to the profile of the Baby Mama of one of my ex-con guys. Despite what he said about her being a slut she looked like she was beaten to shit and like she was raising two kids on her own. She had two photos taken on different days and was wearing the same outfit. Sure she may have been all these things and more, but she looked like she hadn’t seen a makeup kit, beauty salon, or goodnight’s sleep in sometime. Poor thing. Goes to show you kids, use condoms!

Of course then we went to the Baby Mama of Dead Beat Daddy. Dead Beat Daddy said she was crazy and she looked to be. However she was raising two of his kids without him providing any financial assistance and wrote a heartbreaking blog about how her deadbeat ex never saw his chillins. And then the grandparents also told the grandchildren he got blown up in Iraq. This chick is doing alright because she has a new guy who basically has taken emotional and financial responsibility for Dead Beat Daddy’s children. Dead Beat Daddy dissed this dude for the record. Meanwhile he is an adult, something deadbeat daddy will never be. Now again, wrap it before you tap it.

Then we went to the profile of Lawyer/Liar. He looks worse than ever. Time has not been kind to him. He has lost even more hair and I think he even had head acne. Devon saw his picture and said, “He looks like that skit, the French people, Beldar….what are they called again?”

“Coneheads.” I replied. Then it hit me at that moment that he was not just a liar and a fucking phony snob but this man was also a conehead. This decision had been terrible. I guess I could consider myself a three time loser.

Looking back at my past and all the losers I have come in contact with I have a stalker ex-fiance who told his friends he wanted me dead and drew photos of someone who looked like me on his myspace being mangled. That sucked I will not lie, especially having to press complaints about cyberbullying before it was a crime. However he made me feel extra special when he started the I Hate April page. Oh I was always on his mind.

Let’s not forget the legions of ex-cons who had criminal records, excuses, stories and an army of children they either did not acknowledge or support. They kept things colorful with the dine and dash and even were sweet when they gave me presents, possibly and most probably stolen property. While they lied to law enforcement because well, why not, they were sincere when they told the detective, “Officer I didn’t know she was fifteen. I thought she was eighteen.” Their heart was in the right place, it was just The Code that ruined their fun.

However I can forgive myself for them. The ex-cons were cute and the ex-fiance loved me to the point where he would kidnap me so we would never be apart again. However I dated a conehead and I was sober when I made that decision. For that faux paux I will never forgive myself. Oh love and life and everything that goes with it! Wicked, cruel, cruel world!

What's even worse was that the Conehead dumped me. Granted I was cheating the entire time. But maybe his rejection was God's protection. Cause just picture it, I could have had conehead babies! AHHHH!!!!!

 Oh memories. Love April