I have a crush. I know it sounds pathetically first grade but I do. He has only met me once. We spoke a few times online. He's cute. I don't know much about him except he is nice. We click. We have a lot in common. He actually writes as well, and might even be a better writer than I am. I don't say that about many dudes. Actually I never say that about a dude. I am crushing on him big time though. The strange part is he is totally not my type.
He has kind of flirted with me but kind of flirts with all the girls. I think he is more ladies man in bravado than he is in actuality. He is also nice looking. I think I already said that. In some ways he seems different than a lot of the guys I am into. He is way more soulful, way more eager to talk about how he feels than any dude I have ever been into. Truth be told, that scares the living hell out of me. I think if we were to couple up I would be the man in this picture. Still, since the last time we spoke, I just feel this sparkle.
So I have only been to his facebook page once a day. This girl kept posting stuff. I thought what a fugly slut. Then I realized it was his sister. Didn't just make me feel psychotic but rather idiotic. After that I felt like running into the Hudson River rather than face my feelings. There is always this fear of rejection when the guy is cute. It is like I am thirteen, fat, and my mother picks out my clothes again. Of course a guy who looks like this only wants to call my house because I know stuff about history or did the English assignment. Or he is asking me out as a joke. Then that highlights every hang up I have when it comes to myself.
I know how I come across to the outside world. They think I am outgoing because I have been on national TV several times. They think I am weird, eccentric, cool, and the life of the party whether it is with my puppets on the red carpet or with my singing telegram bag of costumes and songs. Or they think I am just funny all the time because I tell jokes to a crowded room. Or there is this thought I am good with words. And then they probably think I am sexually adventurous because most of my companions are male, gay or straight. If I have female companions they are like me, out there. Good with words....only on paper.
In all truth when I like a guy I can't tell him. Not because I don't have social skills. Actually that is correct, but I am also really shy. On top of that I have no skills when it comes to guys. Oh and want to know the best part? Sex talk actually makes me queasy. It makes me feel awkward. I want to run in the other direction like I saw Godzilla. Anytime I have a crush on any dude I can never tell them. The second they find out I deny it and run in the other direction. I am so freaking dysfunctional the guy has to do any and all pursuing. Crazy I know.
So far in my mind this week I have made mad passionate love to this dude like twenty times. And then we have also held hands and all that smushy shit. Oh and we had Chinese food. We also made mad passionate love during a rainstorm. In my fantasy he didn't talk. And when he did he told me how beautiful I was. So this will go on until Thursday. Then Friday I might slip up and say something by accident. Then he will turn into an evil man and in my mind I will dump him like moldy leftover Chinese. After which I will ride by with my hot new guy. I will tell the new dude who still has yet to be revealed in my mind he mistreated me.
Jesus. I can't do this dating stuff. I will stick with the puppets and costumes. They won't disappoint me by being male and human. They won't break my heart.
Now back to my Lifetime Movies with women who go crazy and kill their husbands
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com
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