Friday, November 25, 2011

Burgled and Other Drama

This past Sunday I was ready to broadcast my show Confessions on I had my guests booked, everything was set up, and the drag queens had both confirmed. To have drag queens answer emails and arrive in a timely fashion is a skill. But then it happened.
I went to run some errands and that’s when I got back to my place. I tried to unlock the door but my door was ajar. I came in, my lights were on and my laptop was jacked. Panic ran through me. My place had been robbed! My laptop was missing. However my money wasn’t touched which was odd. None of my pills were touched which was odd. I was to broadcast in less than two and a half hours. No laptop equaled no show. And the worst part was I didn’t know if this person who had robbed me was coming back to kill me.
I called my parents near tears. I couldn’t cry because I was so shocked. I called 911 and then my super to change my locks in case someone else would decide I was an easy target. Actually the verdict was already in, oops. Well I called 911 and they said they would be over. Twenty minutes passed. Called again. Twenty more minutes passed, called again to discover the mongoloid working there had gotten my address WRONG! Then in the meantime my super came, changed my locks and made sure I was okay. Meanwhile I called 911 again this time crying I was scared to see if I could get those idiot cops out of the donut shop. Fourth call and an hour and a half later they arrived.
Meanwhile my drag queens started coming in just as the cops were coming in. One of my guests promised to bring a webcam. I called the people at YouNow. Adi was very nice and told me to do the best I could. Galinsky thought it was awful. Dan said he wished he could help with an extra webcam but couldn’t. As the cops came in they wanted to know what happened. I explained to them what had gone on and used the word robbed. They corrected me and told me robbed was if I was held up at gun point but rather I was “burglarized.” And everytime I said robbed they corrected me. Finally I felt like screaming, “Fuck the fucking term. This SOB jacked my shit and you took forever in a day to get here!”
As if that wasn’t bad enough the whole kitten caboodle was coming in as the finger print squad was coming in. They said I shouldn’t have had my super change my locks because how were they supposed to take prints. Meanwhile not only do I have to sleep there but by the time they got there either the perp could have killed me or I could have caught him myself. The lady taking the prints suggested I use the credit card I purchased it on to see if it was covered by insurance. That’s a wonderful piece of advice but I could have given the same tip having had worked at Macys.
After they left we still tried to make the show go. First there was no internet connection and then the dude with the webcam left because this was “too much” for him. Too much for you? I’m the one who got “burglarized.” The worst part was I didn’t know who did this to me and why they did. Finally after all this drama I decided not to do the show. My guests understood and even said they would be back in two weeks when my place wasn’t “burglarized” and things were more calm.
The evening was spent with a friend who took care of me and made sure I was safe. The next day was spent waiting to talk to detectives. Waiting for detectives is like waiting for the Sears Guy. It’s an all day affair and they get there when they do. However unlike the idiots in uniform my detectives were pretty cool. They asked me questions, questioned my neighbor, and didn’t correct me when I used the term robbed instead of burglarized interchangeably. My buddy was there the entire time to help me because I was losing my mind. Oh and my detectives thought it was cool I did comedy, ventriloquism and want to see me live. Each time I have called them they have been nothing but wonderful. For that I am fortunate.
My YouNow family also really stepped up to see how I was. Cody-Ann messaged me to see if I was okay. MsSassy called me to see if I was alright, let everyone know what had happened, and filled in as host for the night. Eddie Lawshea sent some comforting words and offered to beat the ass of the person who took my computer. Bunny not only offered to be there to talk but she let me broadcast from her house. It was exciting because she was the first YouNow cyberjockie that I had met in person. Her dog Toni is so cute too. Not to mention my little poppyseeds worried that their Mama Foxxx was absent and offered to fly to the US to kick the ass of the thief who stole my laptop. At a time where I didn’t know who I could trust I found that I had a group of friends, an online family, who stepped up to be of assistance.
During this time I also sort of became more than friends with a friend helping me through this disaster. We had been buds for several months and crossed paths but only recently had started to become close. I had an inkling he had a thing for me, but he had struck me as a ladies man. Actually an ex of his had been head cheerleader. While he liked me it seemed he liked everyone so I didn’t take him seriously. Plus I figured in all actuality I would bore him to death and with no many numbers in his phone I was just one of many on his call list.
Since this disaster this particular friend has been by my side and I am realizing how wrong I am about him. Yes he has had his share of fun but he is far from being a ladies man. Actually, when he says he digs me and wants to see where something goes with me I believe him. Truth be told we have both been through a lot, had some crazy times and are over the bullshit. I never thought he could journey into certain terrain until all of this happened. I am also realizing he is probably one of the sweetest, kindest, honest, funniest and most caring people I have ever crossed paths with. I am just shocked, that’s all. And I am looking at it a different way. Sure it has come as a surprise and has made this past week more interesting but it is a pleasant diversion from being burglarized.
When I look back I realize it could have been worse. They could have totally cleaned the place out, taken my credit cards, or I could have walked in on them and they could have killed me. That’s why this Thanksgiving was better than ever. For as crazy as my family tends to drive me sometimes I was not only happy to see them, but happy that I was alive to see them.
As for my show this Sunday, it will go. I get back to NYC Sunday evening around 7:30 if all goes well. Show will start at 9, 9:30. This week’s theme is gratitude. My folks at the station are glad to have me back. I am hoping YouNow doesn’t chop my show. This week will be low key. I wont have the guests. It just might be me and my new semi-squeeze. I dunno. Will keep you posted. As for my poppyseeds Mama is back Love April

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Mama Foxxx's Mail Bag

Dear Mama Foxxx
I am sixteen and have a girl named Melanie who calls herself a friend to my face. We hang out, go to the mall, and even talk on the phone as well as chat online. The other day I heard a rumor spread about how I was easy. I am an A student and don’t even date. The next thing I know everyone is giggling when they see me in the hall. I log onto facebook to find out someone has taken up an anonymous handle and posted mean things about me. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I heard it was Melanie. I didn’t want to believe it but then I overheard her talking in the bathroom about me. I don’t know what I did to this girl. But this all started when I made cheerleading and got the lead in the school play and she didn’t. I feel hurt. I like her as a person and figure if I talk to her we can be friends again. Please help. Signed, Mean Girl Victim
Dear Mean Girl Victim,
What you have is called a friendemy. She is a friend to your face and an enemy backstabber behind your back. The people who knife us the worst are never our sworn enemies in life but those we believe to be friends. Nothing is more true with women. There is no reasoning with someone like this either. They will stab you in the back and the next time they will throw you off the apple cart onto the road. And this all stems from the fact you have so much going for you, you are an A student, a cheerleader and the lead in the school play. I am jealous myself Miss Perfect. But remember you got these things because you worked for them. Replace Miss Melanie the Malicious with positive people who are proud of you for your achievements and won’t be jealous because they are doing good things with their time and energy. In the immortal words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are believe them.” Don’t acknowledge this woman ever. Don’t bad mouth her either because it will feed into her energy. The truth is, the world divides winners from losers. She is a loser, you are a winner. Hold your head up and keep up the good work. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am currently a high school boy and just broke up with a girl. It wasn’t because we didn’t like each other, it’s just because she wanted to spend all the time in the world with me and I play soccer, work, and want to maintain my status on the honor roll. She on the other hand wanted to skip school with me and wanted to move too fast. Anyway, I went online and found a facebook page dedicated to hating me and she is the moderator. She currently has thirty members on the page and they talk about how I am an awful person. These are nobodies and losers but it kills me because none of what they are saying is true. It made me sick to see it. I don’t want to be a wimp and tell on a girl. What should I do? Signed, Help! My Psycho Ex is Dissing Me

Dear Help! My Psycho Ex is Dissing Me,
You are not a wimp at all to tell on this woman. What she is doing is called cyberbullying. This is not only against common decency but against the law. You are not a celebrity, you are a private citizen and this is slander and libel! You need to report this page to facebook pronto and have it taken down. You also need to take a print out of the page to the school because schools are not only interested in what their students are doing on the computer but if they are breaking the law, especially if it is on the computer during school time. Plus cyberbullying is on the beginning of worse things like vandalism. And if things like that occur please go to the police. It sounds like this chick has issues that need serious meds and you were wise to run son or else your willy would be in the middle of the woods and the cops might have to go looking for it as McCray Cray holds the butcher knife. Lastly, don’t let these fools get to you. I had an ex do the same thing to me and yes it did hurt. But as you said they were nobodies and in the immortal words of my late friend Roger Ferrer, “A nobody trying to be somebody is the worst kind of nobody there is.” Take care my little poppyseed. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am a transgendered woman who saw your show a few weeks ago. I want to show some gratitude that you have given people like myself a voice by having trans people on your show. Because I am transgendered, I have been hit, kicked, punched and otherwise bullied. I have been called named like homo, faggot, and queer. I am starting a group online so that people like yourself as well as gays and lesbian celebs and those who support us like yourself can come and show support. I just want to say thank you for giving someone like myself a voice and thank you for your support.  Signed, A. Fan
Dear A. Fan,
Thank you for your very sweet letter, it made my day. I believe in giving everyone a chance to use their voice no matter who they are. I am sorry that you were kicked, punched, and called nasty names. Reading that not only broke my heart but brought tears to my eyes. I am an activist against bullying of any kind and no one, absolutely no one, deserves to be bullied for any reason. I not only thank you for writing me but for having the courage to be yourself in a world that unfortunately can more often than not be closed minded and unwelcoming. However, it does get better. Keep on keeping on and keep your head up. I also encourage you to broadcast as a part of my show. Your voice needs to be heard my little poppyseed. Love Mama Foxxx
Update: A fan wrote me back and informed me the men that used to diss her now want to date her. That means one thing for sure, she is hawt!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Into the Groove (Madonna)

Today was a mix of a lot of things. The day started with me waking up late. I have no idea why I did. As usual I have been working to make sure Sunday’s show is a success. That’s when I saw one of my little poppyseeds had messaged me and asked me if I was online on broadcasting. I was like wow, I just woke up. So I messaged the young lad named Connor Hill back and told him I could be on younow broadcasting if he so desired, but that I had to get some coffee first. So I made his wish come true. I logged in, broadcasted and started my day with love from my Poppyseeds.
Sure they should have probably been in school, doing homework. But why? Mama Foxxx was online. I have to pump myself up somehow . I have to be my own self esteem. For years I had no self esteem. Anyway, I found myself logging online and receiving love first thing in the morning from my Poppyseeds. It made it worth it. I was told I was a legend already which made me feel good. My Poppyseeds are loyal and many have seen May and myself on My Strange Addiction and others have read chat.
The crazy thing about this generation is that they are all tech savvy. They tweet. They youtube. They have webcams. They also facebook to high heaven. Sometimes when the young ones get on and they broadcast they give too much information. I just want to say to them, diss your friend fine. But don’t say her first and last name. She might come and beat your ass and plus you will be on record like a fool and cannot take it back.
Yesterday Sir Alfie gave his phone number out in the middle of his broadcast to his adoring fans. The adult in me wanted to call him and tell him that I hoped it was a fake number. Sir Alfie is a smart dude. I have a feeling it is a fake number. At least I hope so. He is only eighteen. He has only started to venture into the world of dating and has yet to discover how crazy and manipulative women can be. Plus this is the age of the internet, you never know what whacko with what mental health issue is watching. Nonetheless I get a kick out of the little dude. He says he’s six two, don’t know if I believe him.
Another wild thing about these folks coming in from the UK is that many of these youtube stars are so young. Mark Ludford mentioned having to do his homework when his broadcast ended. Alfie mentioned he is studying chemistry. The adult in me just wanted to tell them both, “Now, good job on the computer but it’s time to do school work. Study hard and be in bed by ten. Good brains need plenty of rest. And remember, take your vitamins.” That’s when I have to chuckle a bit. It’s really quite darling that these kids are doing so much when you think of it. Mark wrote me the sweetest email this morning. I know he had a test today. He seems like a smart kid. Also a good kid. Hope he aced it.
Of course after all of this I get on the train to host a radio show about stocks on Wall Street. I get on the train in a frenzy the pants I wanted to wear had a stain on them. As I got on the train guess who I saw sitting there? The guy I went out with twice, captured my heart, and then had to let go. I looked over and saw him. I quickly turned my head in the opposite direction and hoped he didn’t catch my eyes. He’s not a bad guy, just isn’t in a place where he is ready to be in a relationship. Actually the truth of the matter is that I have been out with a lot of people in my time and some not so good, he was one of the good ones. In some ways he was too kind and too sweet, that’s why his life is the wreck that it is now. Sometimes people get into trouble not because they aren’t pure enough its because they are too pure in a way, almost too honest. That’s the category this bloke fell into.
I looked over to double check if this wasn’t just me going crazy. I wasn’t. Seeing someone you dumped is like seeing someone you fired. While you were in the right they still make you feel like an asshole. At that moment the awkward fairy had visited. I wanted the Earth to open up and swallow me whole. Sure I looked good and so did he. I could hear him talking trash about me later to his loser buddies. That’s when I just bolted off the damn train. Sure it might make me late. I would catch another.
I tried to think of things about him that ruled him out which was a lot. Plus I knew the other day when I was walking down the block and saw his friends who gave me the phoniest, fakest hello that they were talking smack about me. That was some shade they were throwing. But I knew they were talking trash by the way I heard them giggle when I left. Then I remembered they were losers. No one worth anything was listening anyway. Plus for as painful as it is I know I was doing the right thing by ending this.
The dude was a caretaker. He didn’t understand that I needed space to breathe and to be myself. Not only that but his last girlfriend had been very dependent. I am the farthest thing from a woman who needs a man to protect her and help her with everything. Girls like that make me ill and make me want to slap them. As the daughter of a Title IX Crusader, I was taught to be a lady but never to have to rely on a man. As a result of these things my sister is in medical school and I am pursuing a career in comedy, two careers you don’t see many women in. But at the same time while we don’t hate men we don’t need them and it’s not the end of the damn world if we don’t have one.
Plus it also occurred to me that he wasn’t going to be cool with the new fanbase I was developing. Not to mention he wasn’t going to be cool with the career. He wasn’t going to be cool with the amount of male friends I have. This was all for the best. Maybe he can find a girl he can be a butler too. To me when a guy feels the need to smother me I want to turn to him, punch his lights out and then suffocate him with a pillow. Hey, it’s only how he makes me feel.
On the flipside he was the first guy since my ex-fiance who gave me the glimmer of hope that things could be different. He was the first one I met and I thought, “Maybe this won’t end up with me wanting to kill you or cheating on you with your best friend.” But then the daydream ended when I looked back at his past texts and realized he couldn’t spell. That’s something that wont change. A man with bad syntax is a man who requires a lot of work.  The funny thing is, for as young as the British invasion is on younow, I sort of envy their innocence when it comes to love and the whole dating thing. They still have hope and are quite cute about it. For as much as they crack me up I somehow wish I still had a little of that myself. Am I worried Mr. Fabulous is going to read this? Hell no, a man with bad syntax is a man who isn’t a reader. I’m not worried.
I went to Wall Street and ended up as co-host for Hit the Bid. It is a show about the stock market. I loved the hosts and loved the audience. They are smart guys who respected an opinionated woman. Plus they love the fact that I thrive on toilet humor from time to time. My mind is like that of a thirteen year old boy. Always in the gutter and always going in some way, shape or form. Nonetheless the chat there was like the chat on YouNow, it was fast moving and you had your trash talkers. Nonetheless I found myself getting the much needed laugh after seeing someone I dumped on the subway. But the show was fun and I was a hit and they want me back, good times.
I finished the day by kickboxing. Good times. It was what I needed after seeing the one who I ended things with. After all, it was also a pleasant reminder I didn’t have a date for Friday night. But nonetheless my abs were in shape. And in the class was a Russian I crushed on way back who does MMA. Unfortunately he is also a little bit of a ladies man. I saw him out earlier this summer with a date and he hit on me while he was with her. It usually ends badly and he has several stalkers. Nonetheless he admits he is emotionally unavailable which is why I sort of like and respect him.
Either way the big task now is organizing my show Confessions. Yes it is this Sunday night from 8-10 EST. Heartbreak or not I will be there. Hope to see you there too from whatever corner of the world you may call home. I welcome my poppyseeds one and all xoxox April

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Matter of Trust (Billy Joel)

As many of you know I am on a website called where I host a show called Confessions. The wonderful and crazy thing about YouNow is that anyone can broadcast. You have folks like myself, Bunny, Eddie Lawshea, The Galinskys, Donovan Santiago, Ryan Humphrey and Ann Hirsch as well as Cody-Ann who are performers and artists in real time. While we broadcast we are trained performers and actually have a piece of paper on our wall telling the world we know how to use our voice, our bodies and could probably be a hell of a cater waiter if we had to be. Of course there is MsSassy Neighbor who uses it as a therapeutic outlet not only to get out there as a reality tv star but also to serve as a power of example that one can overcome addiction. Jerry Brooks, I don’t know what his classification is. Of course you have the kids, Amanda and Holly. Then there is Chrissy who has a helluva voice….
But we also have people from all over the world. While it brings everyone closer together it teaches people one thing, interaction with others can be dangerous. Back in August during a broadcast I was doing the bizarre mixture of freestyle and rap that I do. Next thing I know I am in this online flame war with these kids from Italy. I am like WTF. Then one got on and explained in her broadcast why they collectively hated me as a group. I get raw when I slam. I never said I was good at it but I do go hard. Anyway after about three hours of flaming at midnight our time it was revealed that they thought I had been swearing at them for no reason. Then it occurred to me, they don’t have slam poetry in their culture or angry chick rock. This whole matter was lost in translation. I took an opposite action and just apologized, sang for them, told some funny stories, and as a result made six new facebook friends and got six new subscribers on youtube.
Recently we have had a sort of British Invasion on the site. We have Sam Pepper, Alfie, and Mark Lunford. There have been some hurt feelings from the original younow family members and understandably so. However I have found they have brought a whole new dimension to the site. While they are adamant about seeing their people I find that if you are just yourself their people give you a shot. And some people take being voted off straight away personally. I don’t, they are there to see these folks in basically a live internet concert. However when I am on I am not only having fun but learning how to talk to a new audience. These kids are young. A lot of the time they just want to have fun. They are a more sensitive, less political audience.
For years I was used to the New York Club audiences. They like comedy hard or just intellectual to the point where they don’t even know what they are talking about. Comedians are even worse. It’s a contest to see who is the edgiest. These kids on the other hand don’t want to hear about that and its not all together a bad thing. For a while I didn’t like the window I called idiot time, but now I sort of welcome it. Actually it is sort of condescending to call it that. It’s more or less these kids are young, they want to be young, they want to be cheeky and that’s their right. As a bonus many have not only fanned me but friended me on facebook and follow me online. Not to mention several saw me on both My Strange Addiction and in Chat Magazine. Sometimes I even get online and already in the chat they are asking for May Wilson. Woman is a diva. Don’t they know she isn’t even up yet.
I do get a kick out of how young these kids are. I don’t think Sam, Alfie, or Mark are above eighteen. Heck, I would probably get registered on a website somewhere if I ever called them cute and didn’t specify how. One of my poppyseeds, the name I call my fans, in the UK mentioned eighteen is their drinking age. It still doesn’t feel right. These kids are fetuses with legs. It is hysterical because I remember and forget how young that particular age is even though they probably feel at times they rule the world and know everything, at least I did at that age. Then as I got older I realized I still know next to nothing and wonder not only how I breathe but in the words of my late friend Roger, “You chew on pebbles and wonder why they are crunchy.”
I actually get a kick out of these kids in general too. They are very honest, brutally honest as well as tech savvy. In a funny encounter with Dr. Pepper, as I have started to call Sam, he went through my photos and emailed me a pic of one I took back in the day and told me I should go with less makeup because I actually looked pretty hot that way. I found myself laughing out loud. It wasn’t nice to meet you. It wasn’t I enjoyed your broadcast. It was a fashion tip. Those are young guys. On the other hand, he was the second person who told me that this week. Just because I am a good ten years older than these kids doesn’t mean I have to throw in the towel, overdo my makeup, and go to the nursing home. So perhaps I will start following the fashion advice of Dr. Pepper. However, I neglected to tell him I was a whippersnapper like him when the photo was taken.
The other young guys on the site crack me up as well. Gavin Hill comes on and talks about how cover up gives girls spots. I didn’t think it gave me spots but oh well. Not to mention this bloke speaks about how girls only want bad guys. This is true. We all want to piss our parents off before we realize the bad boys don’t want to work and want us to ultimately support them. Oh and the probation officer ruins date night.
In a way I also have become sort of a Mama Foxxx, a den mother to these children. For about a month now I have nicknamed my fans Poppyseeds. One of my fans came up with the name himself. One even asked me today to be her younow mother. Anyway, since befriending these children they message me, tell me what’s going on with them, and even how the trolls aka cyberbullies that are usually quickly banned from the chat bother them. I usually in turn comfort them, share my knowledge I have gathered from my advanced years, and do my best to protect them from cyber bullies. I also ask their input about what they want to see in my broadcasts and in my videos. In turn I encourage them to study in school and let them know that talking to me online is not a substitute for their school work. Although we have only just met, these new little poppyseeds have already warmed my heart and I am looking forward to a beautiful and long Trans-Atlantic friendship.
Truth be told, while many of these kids don’t know how young they are I do. And I also know the world can be an ugly place, especially for those trying to navigate their way through adolescence and trying to figure out their place in the universe. That’s when I look at the leader board and think, “I don’t have the youtube followers.” Then that’s when Sam Underwood, bless his young heart, gives me props. Then Gavin loves the way I exit my broadcasts and tells everyone he loves me. At that moment it hits me that I am reaching these young ones. And it doesn’t matter if I am number one or not on the leader board. If I am, at the very least, an adult that they feel they can turn to, look up to and don’t view as an eternal adversary that’s alright with me.
Still there have been some funny growing pains. Today there was a misunderstanding during a broadcast. Some of the kiddies thought I was dissing Alfie and said I wanted to kick his ass. Truth be told I said I wanted to kick the ass of anyone who dissed him and Sam. Alfie was going in and out of the room when this was being said and thought I said I wanted to kick his ass for bringing all these people. Truth be told, I am glad they are bringing these people because I am making loads of new friends and new fans.
As for the old guard at YouNow, a lot are unhappy about this. However most are American. As Americans we have this erroneous belief that our way is the only way and somehow the rest of the world is wrong. Sometimes though, we need a gentle reminder, a smack upside the head, that there are other countries and other ideas in this world. That their ideas are different than ours. And while their ideas are different they are not necessarily wrong but rather do deserve a voice. It takes many ideas to make the world go round.
Lastly, if you aren’t doing anything Sunday night tune into Confessions from 8-10 pm EST. I am not sure what that is Greenwich Meridian Time but Poppyseeds, I am no substitute for a good night’s sleep, especially on a school night. Love April

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Good Morning Heartache (Billie Holiday)

This past week has been a rough one. For starters at the beginning of the week I found a friend of mine had stuck a knife in my back and really twisted it. What sucked was that this was someone I had been really good to when the chips were down in my life. Sure this person was a tad overbearing and people said not to trust them, but they were always nice to me. Sure my gut agreed but I have a good heart. Well my good heart did me in. What can I say? When I call you my friend I am your friend until the bitter end.
 Last time I ever do that shit.
To make matters worse as if I wasn’t already in a foul mood my ex fiancé tried to make a comeback. He always does this when things are going well. It was in the guise of an amends mind you. It was a shallow amends at that. Basically he told me that I was beautiful, he knew I would achieve everything I was working towards and that I would always be an important part of his life. Not once in that letter did I hear the words I’m sorry. Not I’m sorry I was verbally and psychologically abusive as well as controlling when we were together. Not I’m sorry I attempted suicide twice in front of you when I didn’t get my way. Not I’m sorry I tried to deprive you of your puppets in order to get control. Not I’m sorry I tried to separate you from your family whom I know you love. Not I’m sorry I tried to strangle you once. Not I’m sorry I almost got you kicked out of the place you were living when we were together because everytime I would visit I would let my tempter explode. Not I’m sorry I stalked you and made your life a nightmare after we broke up. Not I’m sorry I even sent my old girlfriends to harass you. Not I’m sorry I tried to kill myself to get your attention. Not I’m sorry I told my friends I wanted you dead. I didn’t even want a laundry list but the fact I didn’t even see that word once says a whole lot. It says not only didn’t he change but that the psycho that I knew so well is still thinly veiled under there.
I did what Abraham Lincoln once did. I wrote him a letter where I told him off and didn’t send it. I might print it in a separate blog entry if my friends and fans want to see it. Then I blocked him on facebook where he can’t contact me again. But I was already mad as hell about being stabbed in the back. Suddenly I was madder than hell. It brought back all this old shit. Sure my ex wasn’t stalking me anymore. He hadnt in years. Not since he made my life a nightmare when I tried dating other people and he finally decided I could have peace when he met someone. What the fuck gave him the right to think it was okay to write me?
It just brought everything back. There I was twenty one again with this nightmare of a guy. I was kicking myself telling myself what a nice person I was before I met this disaster of a guy. I went to NYU. I had been in the National Honor Society. I went to church. And then here he comes. Never did a damn thing in his life and never would. Loser stamped on his forehead. I thought he was my soul mate. Yes my sense of self was that low. Then in the midst of hell I found myself not eating, taking diet pills and drinking to cope. Oh and then there were the ex cons I dated. My ex fiancé was the one and only time I have ever been loyal to a man. What did he do? He cheated on me with his stripper/hooker ex who was giving him a grand a week. Yet I was the whore when I broke up with him and started seeing other people.
Needless to say the contained rage exploded on on the talk channel. It was an issues show. Although it was supposed to be fun it got dark and serious because the issue was dark and serious and I ended up just losing my head. To make a long story short I went on a rant about how victims get no rights and ended up getting into a verbal sparring match with an ex con turned rapper. I was just overtaken by rage. It was to the point where if I was able to jump through my computer I would have choked a bitch. My younow family was supportive though. They had my back and several people from the site texted me to let me know they loved and cared about me. Still I was mad as hell.
The ex con rapper and I ended up squashing our beef on the rap channel during the hip hop show. We even talked later that night and not only did he turn out to be an alright dude but he was my music guest on Confessions this past week. But in between the hip hop show and my making up I ended up going over the house of a woman who is like my mom and chain smoking two of her cigarettes. It didn’t make me feel better but I was just raging like hell. I didn’t even know why either. Everything seemed to be touching a nerve.
My younow family all dropped me lines to make sure I felt better. I did knowing I had their love and support. Everyone told me to pick up the phone and call them or write them in case I ever felt I needed to talk. MsSassy, a regular, also played me music into the wee hours of the night. Adi, the genius who created the site, called me the next morning to make sure I was okay. He also gave me some sound advice. Basically, it was next time I had a political disagreement, to laugh it off. In his words, “Life is too short.” He is one million percent right. I have always maintained Adi is a genius. That moment was no exception. After all, he should have thrown me a straight jacket and possibly banned me from the site for life. I probably should have laughed it off, and if I couldn’t have done that I probably should have turned my computer off. Still there is something in me that if someone invites me to the amusement park I gotta jump on the ferris wheel. I have to stop that and it is something I am working on and I know if I don’t master it will fuck me over everytime.
The site has been great to me, letting me host my own show. Hosting my own talk show has always been my dream and they are bringing me one step closer. So to blow my top was not only ruining it for the site but making me look like an ass. Oh and after breaking out in red blotches like I do when I get angry which were still there the next day I just felt like an ass for not being able to maintain my cool.
But I went from being angry to just feeling sad. Truth be told, I just wanted to know why my ex and asshole friend couldn’t wait forty eight hours instead of twenty four to rain shit on my life. But more than anything, I felt like an asshole for trusting the wrong people all the damn time. Yes my picker is and always will be off. But what made me the most sad is that I had loved my ex at one time. Part of me still does. Since it ended with him I have never been able to be loyal to any man any where. I have a history of being able to get guys but I am never able to keep them. I get them interested, turn into Jane Bond and then disappear into the night. Or they get to see my dark side, the one with the temper. Worse yet, I decide I am not staying loyal and they get hurt. I just can’t stay loyal. Everything straight and male seems set to disappoint and lie to me. Men plus liar equals always. I know its not true nor do I want it to be. Maybe because I am the way I am, untrusting and cold, I make it true.
I only realized how much damage that relationship did recently. Since that time I have never been able to get a nice guy’s attention. My standards are so low I am pleased when a guy has a job and doesn’t have a criminal record or a drug problem. I am overjoyed when he doesn’t try to get me to fist fight him. When I have someone who wants to be nice I always mess it up either by going off at him in public or cheating. Most of the time nice guys don’t want me anyway. After all, very few girls have both a stalker ex and a prison escapee on their dating resume.
I did find someone I liked recently. He was the type of guy I fall for, bad boy. But a reformed bad boy trying to go right. He knows cars like the back of his hand which is sexy to me because I don’t even drive. Not to mention he was sweet and we really clicked. He thought it was cool that I was smart and that I like to write. I didn’t tell him about the puppets. Maybe he would have found out. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world. But he seemed cool and was easy to talk to and made me smile. He was different than the rest of the guys. He wasn’t scheming to get me into bed. Actually he probably was. Anything straight and male is always scheming to get anything with a vajay jay into the proverbial sack. But he wasn’t like a lot of the other guys who thought just because they spend two dollars and up on you entitles them to a night at Casa Brucker. It was quite the opposite and that was refreshing. Maybe he wasn’t high class like the celeb I dated but he was definitely classier. He took me to see Rum Diaries because he remembered me talking about how I wrote a book and am in the process of getting it published.
Then I thought about it. This dude is coming with a lot of baggage and a lot of this mess isn’t cleaning itself up soon. While he could be a good boyfriend it won’t be now it will be sometime down the line. Plus while I have some grizzly chapters in my life mine pale in comparison to his. Because of the wreckage of his past his life is jumbled and he has things he needs to do. While it was hard for me because he had my heart I figured love wasn’t going to be enough. It would end in disaster and maybe down the road when he has himself together we can try again. Still it sucks being the grownup.
For the first time last week I realized how many scars I still carry from that nightmare of a relationship. Even though I joke about it onstage and have spoken about it since being a Reality TV star I feel raw as hell even now. And when I met the guy I actually liked this past week he actually made me feel okay and safe and no one has done that for me ever. I felt like for once I could get someone who could be the man I always wanted and needed and he wasn’t ready damnit. To make it worse and better, he was patient as hell.
Then again maybe I am giving this dude too much credit. After all he was a mess. Not to mention it was still early. There was still time to screw me over. Straight plus male equals always untrustworthy. Oh and then he probably would have eventually cheated on me. Or I would have cheated on him. Or there would be the kids he had and didn’t pay child support to that had yet to show up. All these things were possible and I am trying to tell myself maybe I dodged those bullets. Or worse yet, the thought of me following my career would have made him jealous and he would have made me quit. And then he would have, much like my evil psycho ex, made me shelve my puppet children forever. While there is nothing to vilify I need to when it comes to the almost boyfriend who was. It makes me feel better about the whole thing.
Either way I hung out with my gay friends last night and had a banana split. That felt good. It made me forget my broken heart lying in my room on my dresser drawer. Of course then I remembered it today when I saw the almost boyfriend that never was. He gave me the big hello. I think I will start avoiding that diner so I don’t see him and it isn’t awkward for the both of us. Actually he probably doesn’t care. Like all men he catches feelings until he sees something else he wants to bang. He’s probably over the whole thing now. He only saw me twice. He moved onto something easier and stupider. He said he didn’t like those kind of girls. Then again my ex fiancé said he would love me forever and never hurt me. Point being men lie and say anything to get what they want. Maybe that’s not true but saying that is making me feel better right now.
So here I am, alone again. I ate a Rueben for dinner. I am making myself a bath. My place is a mess. I have filled my schedule up so I don’t start crying. I don’t even know why I am sad. Only saw the dude twice. But maybe it was because for once in my shallow little fame whoring world I found someone who could take me for me and make me smile. Eh, I am giving the fucker too much credit. At the same time I was pushing him away and hiding good things about myself. I always do. Part of being Mr. April Brucker is meeting Jane Bond, my secretive alter ego. But I like being alone. No possibility of being rejected for something easier and sluttier who has achieved nothing and is much less intelligent than yours truly. At the same time I am now terrified that if I don’t change I will be alone forever.
On the bright side I am inching closer to publishing my book, am finishing another song, and am organizing my show. I also find that despite losing my asshole traitor friend I am finding I have a lot of good ones around me, especially in my YouNow family. From giving me the opportunity to be myself, having my own talk show, and having my back when anyone gives me beef I find that while one dipshit is in the trash I have gained many more ounces of gold. These people are more than worthy. When one door closes another opens. In this case an iron gate closed but a thousand windows seemed to open only to let in the most heavenly rays of sunlight. And they are willing to accept me when I am crazy. Sure in Dante’s Inferno I would be with the adulterers, swept by the wind as I was swept by my passions in life, but they love me for it anyway.
Speaking of show, this week is Veterans Day. So I am encouraging those in the armed forces to share with us or people to share their feelings on patriotism. Or share whatever else is going on with them. I think it will be a good show. All my shows have been rocking so far. So watch us this Sunday from 8-10 pm EST on’s Talk Channel. See you there. Love, April

Friday, November 4, 2011

Dear Hillary Adams, Get Over It

I just saw the Hillary Adams video and everyone is crying the blues about this poor little abused cerebal palsy kid. They feel badly for her and want to make her the martyr for abused children. Okay, fine and dandy. The liberals and conservatives both want a poster child. Unfortunately, they always pick someone who isn’t the most pure and comes forward for the worst of reasons. In the 1990s the Republics, especially Ken Starr and his lack of evidence case against Clinton, had Paula Jones as the poster girl for the wrongly sexually harassed. Well Paula turned out to be a piece of self interested trash. This so called good girl daughter of a Nazarene Preacher man divorced her husband soon after the hearings, got breast implants, a nose job and posed for Hustler. Sexually harassed my ass. Odds are she was probably dolling ass out to that entire office and then when her horny boss married to helmet haired lady wanted a piece she cried wolf.
Now that spokes person with an ulterior motive is Hillary Adams. Yes I saw the video. Everyone is claiming it was horrible and it was child abuse. Apparently she has cerebral palsy. If she does I’m sorry. However what I saw wasn’t child abuse in the least. I saw a very spoiled, self centered little girl who was angry at daddy and was siding with mommy in what was probably an ugly divorce. And now both mommy and Gimpy Childs were conspiring to take daddy down. Everyone says she didn’t have motive and Hillary the lying little crippled snake claims she just “wants her father to get help.” Well Hillary, then why didn’t you tell him this? And she says he was harassing her. If that was the case Hillary you should have put him through the system. That is the best way to let a family member know you mean business. Instead she blackmails him with this video and when she doesn’t get her way she goes to the internet and posts it. Now she is Little Miss Child Abuse Victim.
Gag me
Truth is, I grew up in an area where we all got beat. It was not uncommon for kids to get beaten when they were bad. The switch, the belt, and fetching the branch in the backyard were common methods of parental discipline for misbehaving children. While grounding and loss of privileges was involved sometimes, beating seemed the swifter way. The philosophy where I grew up was when you grounded a child eventually you got sick of them being in the house with loss of privileges and you would alleviate the sentence because you got sick of them. So beating them was the swifter way. Not only did the child get the message but they never did it again and weren’t sitting around the house like a stoolie.
Yes I got beat. When my dad said, “Do that again or your ass is grass” he meant it. My father was not being abusive in the least. He was trying to teach us right from wrong and to be better people. For example, one day I drew on the desk at school and talked back to my teacher. My teacher, who was on her last nerve with me, put me in Time Out. Then I escaped from Time Out. Needless to say she called my parents. That’s when I met the stick. Did the stick hurt? Oh yes. But at the same time I was a child who was running her mouth and refusing to listen to authority. After that beating I was much better behaved in school. To think, my parents didn’t even have to ground me or give me a time out.
Same thing happened when I mouthed off to the elderly woman who used to babysit me. Both my parents were working and she was watching me. Over a defiant stretch of days I mouthed off and refused to do my spelling words. My dad found out about my unacceptable behavior and I had a meeting with the stick. Needless to say I suddenly became very respectful of my elderly babysitter and did my spelling words without even arguing. Kids need to know that there are consequences.
Believe it or not bleeding heart liberals and psychologists who I believe practice the science of evil would say that was child abuse. I do not feel I was abused. I feel I was rightfully disciplined. Thank God for that because I know right from wrong. When I tell these same bleeding heart whap nuts that this was the way in my area they tell me it doesn’t make it right. Maybe it doesn’t but that’s the way it was. Just as in some parts of the world they still marry at thirteen. In other parts of the world the women have to leave their houses covered or else stones are thrown at them. In some parts of the South Pacific they still eat the brains of dead loved ones as a form of ancestor worship. There are organizations that defend this behavior. Child brides is a form of child abuse, especially since some are married off for money. The Middle East, well that one is obvious. But dead ancestor cannibalism is not only disgusting but also causes other neurological dysfunctions. However we defend that as part of their culture but in some parts of the country where it is the norm to be disciplined with a belt or strap that is “abuse.”
The thing that bothers me most about this is that she wants her father to get help. No, Hillary, you wanted to publically humiliate your father. Now there is no chance for reconciliation you little brat. And from what I saw frankly she deserved what she was getting. Not only is she a manipulative plotter but also if she weren’t so defiant the beating would not have been so bad. First and foremost, she did something she knew she shouldn’t have been doing and like the entitled brat she was didn’t want to face the consequences of her actions. Okay, maybe he should have laid off a little because she has the palsy. But in all fairness, it seemed like this was the end of a long chain of events with a child who was defiant and hard to discipline. While it looks bad we don’t know the whole story. Then again, when someone puts something on the internet and the liberal media chose to have a scapegoat we all want to believe them especially when they walk with a limp.
There is also the mumbo jumbo liberal argument that if you beat a child you make it angry and violent. This is true in some cases but not in others. A number of years ago I mentored a young man who was adopted by two people trying to save their marriage as a baby. Well baby didn’t help. Instead they got divorced and in the nasty divorce they used the kid as leverage giving him rights to do whatever he wanted and making it a contest to see who could spoil him more. In the end he was a drug addict who by the time he was nineteen was in and out of jail and rehab more times than Robert Downey Jr. and not to mention worked as a gay prostitute and put his mother $70,000 in debt. That kid wasn’t even hit. Frankly I think a beating would have benefitted him.
In writing this I know I will get some heat. I just want to say I don’t condone child abuse. What I mean is true child abuse. There are parents who beat their children with lead pipes telling them they wish they never had them. These are children chained to washers and dryers who might be eight years old but are a mere thirty pounds. These are children who are made to sleep in their own feces because a frustrated parent decides they are the enemy. These are children who are stuck in the oven by troubled and resentful parents. These are children who are beaten to death. There are real cases of these things happening. Hillary Adams was none of these things. As a matter of fact she was a far cry and a cry baby.
Because of Little Miss Cripple’s wheeling and dealing she will get a book deal and everyone will feel sorry for Gimpy McPhee. Unfortunately, in the world we live in the rights of the parents are steadily disappearing as what was once a common form of discipline is now “child abuse.” It used to be spare the rod spoil the child now it’s use the rod lose your kid. Now kids can report their parents if they are being disciplined in a way that they don’t like. As a result we are raising a generation of ungrateful brats who think that they can speak to parents in any way that they please. I hear it all the time and think, “If I ever spoke to my mother in such a disrespectful manner I would have been hit in the mouth.” Unfortunately, this woman can’t hit her disrespectful child in the mouth because Child Protective Services will take her away overshadowing all the true cases of abuse and neglect.
It is easy to make Judge Adams the villain. When one becomes a parent there is no handbook. Odds are Judge Adam received the belt himself and we do the best we can with what we have and know. What we don’t know is the whole story. I disagreed passionately with Ann Hirsch on and respect her greatly as a person. She said while her parents were more the grounding type she knew there were consequences. Consequences are the key word. In an era where child psychologists pollute the minds of parents that word has disappeared and each generation gets worse and worse as a result. Call me an old woman but I can see it happening.
As for my parents, I love them. My dad disciplined me and I don’t think “he needs help.” Instead he made me a better person who not only obeys the laws of the land but knows right from wrong. I am self supporting, pay my bills on time, and respect others. He didn’t spare the rod and as a result I am far from being spoiled. As for Hillary Adams, she has alienated her father in her self seeking quest for revenge. I hope she gets her book deal and has a nice life. She has helped further take away the rights of parents to be parents. I hope she makes a lot of money on her book too.
In the end she is just a spoiled, self centered, self seeking ungrateful bitch who can only gimp. Limp over it Hillary Adams. Love April
PS. I know I will get shit. But it is my First Amendment Right. As an activist I defend the rights of the truly abused children, those with HIV, and victims of violent crimes. I am also for giving a second chance to drug addicts and ex-cons who want to better themselves. Swallow that before you call me redneck
PPS. Even if you are a dissenter, I welcome your opinion

"Decrying my "rough" childhood and blaming my issues on daddy with my designer glasses. Hey, when you walk with a limp you can be as wicked as you wanna be."

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Mama Foxxx's Mail Bag

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I was engaged to this guy a few years ago and we had been together since we were kids. About three weeks before we got married he broke it off and said he wanted to sow his wild oats. Turned out that meant sleeping with my half sister who works as a stripper. Anyway, it’s been three years. I finished college, am currently working as a nurse, just bought a dog but dated a slew of men and never found love. Well guess who messages me on facebook requesting to be friends. I accepted his friend request bcause I still wanted to be friends. We go out to coffee and that’s when he tells me he still loves me, messed things up, tells me how sorry he is and that’s he’s a changed man. Part of me wants him back because I am lonely and haven’t found anyone else who captures my heart. The other half of me isn’t sure. Please advice. Signed RN in need of Heart Mending

Dear RN in Need of Heart Mending,
Maya Angelou once had a profound quote, “When someone shows you who they are believe them.” This man has shown you that he and the truth do not live on the same side of the street. He lied to you about why he couldn’t marry you and then he slept with your stripper half sister. He is a dirty dog who probably has fleas and deserves to sleep alone in the Goddamn dog house for all of eternity. To take him back would not only be more of the same heart ache but probably more now that Sir Lancelot has sewed his wild oats and probably has a funky new disease. What happened was he discovered that no woman was willing to put up with his shit for free and hookers and high class strippers are expensive so he is back with you. Block him on facebook and block that out of your life pronto. You are doing well for yourself. You don’t need someone bringing you down. You are an RN for Godssakes. That means you are surrounded by good looking doctors. WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT YOU CAN DO BETTER! Start talking to some of them and see where it goes. Find one who’s good looking, nice and rich. I am not saying marry him for his money but at least when he tries to pull a similar scam you can sue for alimony. Just kidding. What I am trying to say is that you are a career woman with a bright future ahead of her. Don’t let this moron’s memory taint your standards on the quest for true love. You settled for a mutt once before and look at what you got. Go for the pure bread. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am nineteen and was seeing this girl about a year ago. She broke up with me because she “needed space.” Well I found out the space she needed was to sleep with a lot of other guys. This hurt me a lot and I went on a week long drinking binge where I flunked several midterms and was put on academic probation. Well now this girl shows up at a party that my friend was having, cornered me, and said that she hoped we could be friends. I don’t want to be mean because she had a bad home life but at the same time she really hurt me. Please advise. Signed Young and Confused.

Dear Young and Confused,
This girl is like toxic waste, dangerous and only hurt you. STAY AWAY. To someone like this a friend is a tampon, they bleed on them until they are soaked in the damage. She will use you and abuse you. This woman already put you in a state to which you were so depressed you went on a week long drinking binge and put your academics and your future at jepordy. I wouldn’t even say hi to someone like that on the street ever! Just as a zebra never changes it’s stripes neither does the phylum of lying bitch. And while we are on the subject I just want to tell you no person is ever, ever worth going on a drinking binge over. This woman’s lying, cheating heart pushed you to the bottle because you let it. Shame on you for giving her that much power. My bet is that manipulative little wench’s under regions have seen as much traffic as Kim Kardashians and she doesn’t have the sexy derriere to match. You are lucky it was just your academics you damage and they let you try again. You could have been seriously injured or hurt because of your wreckless behavior. Alcohol poisoning kills a lot of young people too and is no joke. Remmeber that when you want to be dumb and drink to excess. Maybe this woman was put in your life to make you look at the choices you are making in regards to people, places and things because they suck, because those decisions reflect how we view ourselves. My point being, chose your women a little wiser and when one dumps you don’t drink over her because the odds of you being lucky the next time are not good. And when one shows she isn’t worth your time or energy, just know that her rejection is God’s protection and it sounds like this one did you a favor. You are nineteen, there are lots of women in the world, date one that isn’t a lying ho. Trust me there are plenty. And if she does turn out to be no more free therapy sessions with Jameson. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I and twenty years old and broke up with a guy two weeks ago and he is not taking it well. He told me he couldn’t live without me. He showed up to my job twice and my manager told him to leave. To make matters worse he shows up at my house too. He told me that if I didn’t get back with him that he would kill himself. I am terrified of him killing himself and don’t want to feel responsible but at the same time the relationship was not working. I don’t know what to do. Signed, Vulnerable
Dear Vulnerable,
First off I want to tell you I went through something similar and your ex is what is called a stalker. He is a big boy, not a puppet, and you do not pull his strings. His suicide threat is either superficial and a sign of a controlling guy trying to maintain control or evidence of untreated mental illness. I went through the exact same thing with my ex when he tried to kill himself by drinking laundry detergent. Really he should have been taking that detergent and doing my laundry!  Point is, he expected you to fill a void in his life when in reality he needed an extensive team of mental health professionals. This is not the time to be kind. This guy has gone off the deep end. Stalkers are very dangerous and a lot of women die at the hands of psychotic ex lovers. This is not a joke. If he shows up again don’t hesitate to call the police and put the action in motion to get a restraining order. Now is not the time to be kind but to protect yourself. He’s talking about killing himself right now. The next words phrase out of his mouth will be about killing you. Be careful and remember this isn’t someone to be trusted. He is unstable and should be treated with kit gloves. Health, wellness and safety are basic human rights. Protect yourself.  This is life and death and in the end I don’t want him taking your life. You deserve better. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am a thirteen year old guy and live with my mother and two older sister. My father died when I was six and although I am the baby I am still the man of the house. My sister is twenty and she is dating a guy who is a major tool. He has been to jail twice, smokes two packs a day, and doesn’t work. My sister is in college and works one job to support herself and a second to support him. Oh and he has three kids to two different women that he doesn’t support. I know my dad would be disgusted as hell if he were alive and is probably rolling in his grave right now. I want to knock this guy off his block but he is bigger than me. Instead, when he comes over I act like a pest so he will leave. And then I hide his beer so he gets pissed. Once I even slit his tires to teach him to treat my sister right. None of it is working. Help me break them up. Signed, I Hate My Sister’s Asshole Boyfriend
Dear I Hate My Sister’s Asshole Boyfriend,
Wow, this guy is making me roll in my grave and I am still alive. He is Johnny Appleseed, a loser who spreads his sperm and has no other redeeming qualities. I understand you are frustrated and you seem like you have a good heart. Unfortunately you have no control over this and that is what you have to understand. You sister is a big girl, and while you love her for some reason she has chosen this loser and you have to accept that and the sucky thing is, since he is not going away, it looks like you are going to have to get along. Yes he is a retard, we know that. However your well intentioned but red neck inspired system of justice is not the way to go. While I applaud you for the original idea of the loud music the property damage is a misdemeanor and though he is an ex con he still has the right to press charges. Translated, you could find yourself in a hot mess young man and your potential brother in law has friends in the big house. Be careful. And he has been to jail a few times and has no second thought about breaking the law therefore he might have no second thought about shooting your ass. And if he doesn’t shoot your ass or you don’t have to go to court, worse yet, your antics may be driving this demented Romeo and his naïve Juliet closer together and the odds of this moron disappearing lessen. Instead unfortunately you have to wait it out. Trust me, you probably aren’t the only one who has told her what a winner Sir Lancelot is. She has heard it before. Let the relationship be and in the meantime learn to get along with him. In time hopefully your sister will see this degenerate for what he really is and dump him. She is in college, she’s smart, she’s just going through a bad boy phase. When she sees he’s always going to be a loser and she can’t change him like a child and a pair of jeans from last year she will out grow that shit. Trust me, I did, and did I mention I almost married mine? Love April
I am Mama Foxxx, the Mama Foxx and Queen Bee of advice columns and internet talk tv/radio. I am also a puppet mother to ten wonderful puppet children and a growing number of fans whom I call my Poppy Seeds xoxoxoxoxo