Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Ms. Fairweather

Lately things have been interesting. I have a lot of things on the burner, one being my impending DVD taping at the Metropolitan Room and then a headlining theatre gig in Long Island amongst other things. These are two things I have always dreamed of doing since I graced the stage. Yeah, it took me some time to do it. But the truth is, sometimes things don't happen in my time. Things cannot happen before their time. Does it make me happy? No, but it's the nature of the beast.

When life gets full, things get a little stressful. Sunday I was having a meltdown. Yes, an April being April moment. A cry my eyes out and pull my hair kind of day. It's ugly when it happens. I am the type of person that will worry you to the ground. Seriously, I will. Anyway, I ended up calling an old friend whom I will call Cassidy. The day before I had been having the same kind of meltdown and Cassidy kind of talked me off the ledge, kinda. Still, she can be kind of a know it all. She's one of those people who tells you how to drive the bus but doesn't have a license. When I say she kinda talked me off the ledge she said some things that made me believe life was worth living but made me think a leap might be a better idea tomorrow when the weather was better for suicide. Well I wasn't suicidal but one of those "feel like I am gonna die oh shit" meltdowns.

To let you know she kept asking me about my financial situation and if I had my rent paid. In my mind of course I am already evicted and on the sidewalk. Nevermind I have two weeks to make the money materialize. She kept asking if I would starve. No bitch. I am having some money and career angst and feel overwhelmed but I am not starvin like Marvin. After that she tells me she lost her job and is living on unemployment. And you have the nerve to ask if I have my shit together. I told her my fear is always being homeless. Cassidy said, "I have been in that spot many times and don't feel sorry for you." Didn't ask you to.

The next day we spoke again because she knew an old friend of mine. Anyway, she proceeds to tear down a  lot of the things I am doing with my life. She mentions xyz, things I am looking forward to, might not happen. No shit Sherlock. I think of this daily. If I wanted that anti-reassurance and to feel deep pains in the pit of my stomach I have several family members I could call that would tell me the same thing. Then she proceeded to tell me how to proceed with a certain thing. As I was listening to her I was thinking, "You have no idea what you are talking about, bitch." I began telling her about something and she hung up on me. WTF!?!?! Either I was crazy when she was my friend or she was crazier than I remembered. Perhaps she had gotten crazier over time. Still, it left me feeling hurt. I needed a friend to tell me it was okay. Instead, she left me feeling like I wanted to jump in the damn Hudson. The only thing stopping me was it was cold. Oh and I am not suicidal. I just had my brain sucked out.

I wondered what happened to my old friend. Cassidy was hippy dippy but positive. Once upon a time she had really been there for me through some tough shit. Granted, she has always been on the edge of indigent. Still, Cassidy went to the crystal store and stuff. The whole encounter left me drained. She had been crazy in the past but she was never negative.

I felt crappy and went to see some friends. Instead of making me feel all doomy and gloomy they listened and told me it was going to be okay. They told me it would pass. They asked why I didn't call them instead. I laughed and started to feel better about everything. I called a woman who's like my mom and she lovingly suggested my nut ball friend might have totally lost her mind and might have deep seeded psych issues. And she too suggested no longer calling Cassidy.

Second Mother also suggested that now I was getting to see Cassidy the way a lot of other people did. Cassidy has been kicked out of everywhere she has lived. Additionally, she has gotten herself in other jams. On top of that, her know it all has come out at the wrong time and people have flown off the handle at her.

Later I went and hung out with a buddy breaking up with her girlfriend. Yes, it's a lesbian breakup. She joked, "My ex girlfriend is like winter. She won't go away." I told her everything and this friend not only made me feel better, but she made me feel excited about everything I was doing. Bonus, she said these were good things and good problems I had. Yeah, I am scared and don't know what is next but I am also excited.

We went to a bar to see a friend perform Marilyn Monroe, and our friend killed it. I also made some new friends and danced the night away. I heard all my favorite 80s songs, which was God's way of telling me it was going to be alright. In between being around good people, laughing until my sides hurt, and dancing the night away, I felt better. Oh and a creepy guy kept pursuing me which kinda made me feel pretty in a sick way. LOL.

This morning I went kickboxing. I woke up early but it was awesome. My running buddy aka The Mexican was there in full force. We trained hard and then went to Dunkin Donuts and talked about karate, street fighting, and ways to kill people. We ended up striking a convo with a former hockey player turned lawyer about the best way to cripple someone in  a street fight.

Then I hit an open mic and tried out a new tag a friend had given me for a joke. Not only was I excited for my new tag, but the new tag killed.

A musician friend joked, "Yeah, if you call her, you will jump. Better not let her work for the suicide hotline."

Translated, I have a lot of love around me. I only need people to bring me up, not drag me down. Spring cleaning means cleaning out my closet and cleaning out my refrigerator. But it also means cleaning out negative people from my life.


Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com

Come see me for my DVD taping
April 22nd at 7pm
Metropolitan Room
34 w. 22nd st





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