Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Beat of Love (Regina)

It is the first warm day in forever. Man do I have such cabin fever. First thing is first, I have been itching like a bitch to come out of my house. I usually don't book many live shows in the winter. It's not because I am lazy. It's because the likelihood of them getting cancelled is quite good. Between the cold, snow, and other natural elements cramping my style I more or less write and make videos. Plus if they do happen, attendance is sparse.

I am wearing a cute little outfit that is a gift from a friend. I figure, why not? I just need to have some warm spring adventures. Yes, this means finding love. It has been forever since I had a real boyfriend. When I was younger I had the fiance which was a disaster. Then I had a boyfriend. Actually, I am having some of the same things happen to me when this last real boyfriend entered my life. I am getting some good career news, and again am kind of spear heading a project I was only tapping then. I still have the same dreams, and again they are unfolding before my eyes.  But yet I feel lonely as freaking hell.

I almost miss talking to that ex because we have so much in common. I mean, he did some things well. He was a food and wine snob. He had a nice condo. Granted, he bored me otherwise and his mom was cat shit crazy. Oh and his female bestie tortured me whenever she could because she wanted him, and always knew much too much about our relationship....boundaries much. Still, it was the first time in my life someone I dated hadn't been to jail. As a criminal lawyer, he was not far away from being a convict. It rocked my freaking sense of trust when I found out he was a pathological liar. His current whatever the fuck she is occasionally harasses me. She has been quiet for sometime. Maybe they adjusted her meds or maybe she found a new drug to make her fat ass nod off. So no, we ain't getting back together, thank Jesus.

It's weird, it has been forever and a day since I walked down the street holding someone's hand. Or I had a picnic in the park with someone. I forget how much fun that can be. Better yet, then there is the dinner with a dude. Yeah, I have dinner with male friends who are gay but it's not the same. I don't know. It's just.....something you want when it is warm.

Yeah, I had Holden. You read all about him. He got wrapped up in drugs and all my friends scolded me when I cried codependent tears for him. Now he's sobered up, found God, and let me just say he is more annoying than ever. Have you ever found yourself missing someone who did drugs and slept with men for money? I did once he started quoting The Big Book of AA and Scriptures. I never thought I found myself missing someone who was such a mess. Actually, he is just a different mess. Either way, he is now working at Sears and is with a woman just as crazy as he is. Good, they deserve each other. Still, it was one of the few times in my life that I said I love you and meant it.

Then of course there are the other satellites that I miss. There is Dead Beat Daddy, whom was just bad news in so many different ways. The last time I saw him he gave me this hug like he did nothing wrong and none of what happened between us was his fault whatsoever. But I find myself missing the initial connection we had at the beginning. Cancer guys, always the perfect dudes in the beginning but always have a deep dark secret and then they turn into their asshole selves. In there I also miss some other dudes I clicked with. Yes, I mean Richie who didn't exactly have his life together and neither did I but he was sweet. I also missed the celebrity I dated briefly, but he is on to someone new. Then a fling I had once upon a time is getting married which is strange.

The one entering my mind that is kind of weird is a crush I had last year. He was working on this project with me. It was all kind of crazy. Holden was in and out of my life, more out. Still, I was kind of hung over from the experience. Anyway, I developed a crush on this dude. It was hard to say whether or not he liked me back. Sometimes I thought he did. Sometimes it was that I didn't even exist. Actually, he was kind of shy and studious and all that shit I am not normally attracted to. It's not that he was being rude, he was just, I dunno. I mean, he knew my name and all but he was always surrounded by beautiful women. I didnt have a prayer. In the end we just ended up as friends. It was for the best. My life would have killed him. Still, he was adorable. I don't think he knew I was crushing on him which was for the best but still. I don't think he was smart enough to catch on. I also think I was way overworked, way lonely, and he was just way there.

I get all sorts of fan mail from dudes who have seen me on TV. Some want to date me which is cool. I dunno, it is cool. Most of my fans are dudes. I don't even know what I am trying to say at this point. I feel like a fat, pathetic, thirteen year old girl. I guess what I am trying to say is, for as much male attention as my career has gotten me, I am still shy to the point of being pathetic. I don't know how to approach a dude. As for being a girlfriend I am a complete disaster. Between my laser career focus, my too much baggage, and lack of kitchen skill no man wants me. At least no dude with his shit together. I wouldn't know how to treat a nice dude if I had one.

You know what? The warm weather is damaging my fucking brain. I am just going crazy cause I have worked like a slave at the galley all winter. Because of it I am in a favorable position. I will be busy again. I am just having some insanity. Thank God it will be cold tomorrow. That way I can't make too many bad decisions this week

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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