I always wondered what life would be like if I traveled back in time and met my younger self. Granted, I was a big old basketcase. It might be a disaster, but it might be kinda fun. Would she listen? Probably not. No, definitely not. Oh, and I might end up strangling her.
1. . You are already crazy. Six cups of coffee only makes it worse.
2. Your first year of college is supposed to be hard. No one likes freshmen year. Stop acting so terminally unique.
3. You can’t concentrate wherever you go because you are thinking too hard and it makes you crazy. Relax your brain.
4. Obsessing over a guy won’t make him love you. Men all do the same tricks, have the same equipment, and have a chip on their shoulder about their childhoods. Trust me, he ain’t all that.
5. The fake eyelashes plus hair pieces don’t make you pretty, they make you look like you should be swinging from a pole.
6. Stop with the makeup. Some baby seal died so you could commit fashion homicide.
7. Nineteen year old guys are idiots just like you are. Don’t expect anything special from them.
8. Don’t follow a man home in the rain. He won’t appreciate it let alone care. And after you get soaked cause you didn't bring an umbrella, you will feel like a fool.
9. Stick with the puppets. You will get where you want to go. However, it won’t be as fast as you want. But it will happen when you are ready.
1 You are wise to study your craft and technique. You must know the rules before you can break them.
1. That class you hate, what is it, Writing the Essay, it will come in handy. It will be how you write your first book.
1. The answer is not to contemplate dropping out of school. The answer is to study.
1. First year is stressful, but binge drinking at a party and making an ass out of yourself is not the answer. It will give you more stress and more problems.
1. Do not smoke or run six miles to control your anxiety. Smoking is bad and while running is great, you can’t do it all the time. Talk to a friend. It helps you deal with it and lets you know you aren’t alone.
1 Food is not a way to solve your problems. Calmly breathing, taking care of what’s in front of you, and then getting a good night’s sleep is.
Don’t think you ever have a handle on someone until you talk to them.
1 Being yourself will be your greatest gift and asset. Although it might not feel like it, it is. Just roll with Team April a bit longer.
1. Never drunk dial a man you just met and tell him you love him. He will run forever.
1. Stop crushing on your RA, he’s gay. Make sure your blinds are closed when you dress. And you will be laughing about all of this someday.
I Came I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Come see my show April 22nd at 7pm
Metropolitan Room, NYC
34 W. 22nd st.