Sunday, July 21, 2013

Real Love (Mary J. Blige)

Lately, it seems a lot of people around me are in love. Whether it is my male counterpart on Sex From Both Sides John Powers and his lovely fiance Jennifer. Or perhaps it is the rash of wedding singing telegrams I am delivering lately. Oh and one of my sound dudes was AWOL for a minute because it was his birthday, his gal pal's birthday, and his anniversary all rolled up into one. Next month my parents will celebrate being married 37 years which is surreal. And my sister seems to be happy with her man these days. She even changed her facebook picture to capture the two of them.

Not that I have written off love, but a few years ago I had a pretty rough break in that department. Without getting into morbid detail, go to my other blogs for that, I ended up getting engaged to a psychopath. It was him or the puppets. It was my writing sucked. It was say you won't leave and don't leave or else I will kill myself right here right now. Okay this is all I will say about that. I have blogged about it before. I have spoken out about dating violence and how it damages a person. I have made jokes about it in my act. I have been there done that.

For a while I sort of settled for guys. Settled being the word. I sold myself short. Sometimes I was with a loser because being alone sort of terrified me. Sometimes I was lonely and then grabbed the first person who said something nice to me. I dont know. I entertained getting a prison pen pal for a bit. But then as my deceased friend Chacho explained, "They will want you to send them lots of money and buy them expensive gifts when it should be the other way around. I found this out when I wrote a murderer myself and sent him my naked pictures when I was eighteen. That is not what you want in a boyfriend." At that moment, the prison pen pal fantasy was dead.

The other night I ran into an ex of mine, another one. Actually to call this dude an ex would be generous because it would mean that he meant something to me. He is married to someone else and has a kid with this woman, which made his behavior all the more inappropriate. Anyway, I initially wanted to say hi to another woman standing there and he just happened to be there. So I couldn't ignore him without being rude. Anyway, he starts acting weird and mentions that he knows I am twenty-eight now cause he was twenty eight when we met, and his wife and I are the same age. And then he said, oh yeah, you were nineteen. I wanted to remind him how he led me on and treated my heart like monkey meat but whateves. Anyho, this woman is telling a story about how she mistreated the best man ever and her amends was simply to nod whenever she saw him. That is when Jerkoff McFee says, "Why can't you do that when you see me?" That is when I informed him he was being silly and was never my boyfriend. So he threw a bitch fit and went inside.

I was like WTF?!?!? Was that really called for? Since our failed outing we have worked together and very well in business. Granted, his wife never cared for me but dude was a Casanova back in the day. Still, it got me by surprise. My only answer to this is that he wished he hadn't screwed up with me, cause now he would be Mr. April Brucker. Granted, his wife is successful in her own right but she is not on National Television as much as I am. Not to mention she hasn't written a book let alone had a signing in an Ivy Bookstore. And she picked up a bit if weight too. Still, for as much as I thought I loved him at the time and for as much a he led me on and just kicked me around, I liked the idea of him. Yes, the older trust fund kid with the big apartment complete with bachelor bar. But I never liked him. He was shallow, self-centered, and not to mention I was much more talented than he was and eventually that would have gotten in the way.

When he went inside of course my buddy that I wanted to talk to asked if I had dated him because he made things so awkward. I told her yes, briefly, but when I dumped him he never got over it.

I ended up telling my mom about this. I said to her, "Mom, I would never think to do anything like this. I would never start anything like this with anyone from my past. Even if they totally dumped me I would either not engage or I would be polite. What is his malfunction?"

That is when my mom said, "Yeah, you never would. It is cause I raised you better than that." Snap. This is why I am convinced my mom totally rules.

And then my mom told me I had my pick of guys, to shop around, and not to let this fool get to me. My mom was so right. God or whatever is upstairs always speaks through my mom, I am sure of it. Either way, it made me think. I don't want to be that person trapped in the past like the dude who tried to throw shade at me. I want to be in the present. Yes, there have been some guys who have treated my heart like monkey meat but I let them. Also, now I am smarter. No one treats my heart like monkey meat.

In the words of my dearly departed friend Chacho, someone who was always looking for Prince Charming with a thousand Mr. Right Now's along the way, "Some people are in our past because we passed them over. When we look back they are right where we left them, doing the same shit and wearing the same bad clothes." My buddy was right. It's a good thing I didn't marry that sore loser jerkoff.

But my mom is right too. I have my pick of men. These days things are good. My clips are still on TV on the regular. My audiobook is almost ready to download. I have started a new hosting gig for ITTV and am part of an awesome family of women. Sex From Both Sides had a celebrity guest commentator last week. Pitching some exciting projects, more on that later. I deserve someone to treat me nice damnit.

If I am meant to be single, so be it. However, if the universe sends someone nice my way I won't turn them away either.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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