Once a year I deal with a booker or two in my quest for greatness who is just abysmal. This sordid tale of disaster begins with me surfing the CL. While craigslist can be sketchy at times, especially if it is a gig seeking vegetarian females, on the other hand, it has it’s moments where it is awesome and has good stuff. I have gotten some TV and nice private events off of there, as well as interesting stories. When I saw this ad spelling errors were aplenty which is a sign that I should have run. Nonetheless, they promised pay and I figured what did I have to lose?
Instead, I ran into a moron and a bully who I had to tell off just a little. Because it turned out they weren’t promising money. They wanted me to work for free. This is how the convo went down.
My name is April Brucker. I am a comedian interested in working with you. For more on me please go to www.aprilbrucker.com or www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr to get a better idea of what I do. On my youtube channel I have my various clips from performing live, videos, and snipets from TV appearances. Hope to talk to you soon.
Dee: Hi thankx 4 ur reply. Where r u located & what type of gigs r u seekin?
April: I am located in NYC and am focused on any sort of gig that pays.
Now this is someone who promised money so this wasn’t a big deal, right? At least that’s what I would have thought.
Dee: Oh ok so ur focus is only on paying gigs…….
Excuse me, did I miss something?
April: Well rent does need to be paid. Do you have any paying gigs? If you need a headliner let’s talk.
Headliner meaning myself. This person stated that they were offering money in the ad. Now I am very lost.
Dee: i no rent got to be paid but a true artist whos serius about the art u have to perform whereva to get ur talent our there paid or not….. thats the way i see it…….whoz the headliner ur talkin bout
Now I am just annoyed. I have been doing comedy for some time. In addition to being on TV, I have worked the road a great many weekends for as little as a burger just for exposure. I have paid for stage time and brought my own audience. I have performed in the dingiest, smelliest, shitholes. I have gotten in trouble for being who I am and my own expression so many times and this has included but has not been limited to national television. Please do not define a real artist for me you fucking prick. Now it’s time to take the gloves off.
April: I am. Look I don't work for free. I have heard that true artist hype and
it's just a way to get free slave labor. If you have paying opportunities
for people with TV creds let’s talk. Otherwise don’t put $ in your ad.
Dee: yea yea since u got a smart azz mouth u can keep it moving then...we
deal with headliners over here not wanna be comics......
I hardly had a smart mouth, when you misrepresent yourself I will call you on it.
April: And I only deal with people who can spell. Not that it's a worry for you, being a scam artist and all. Now to deal with real bookers.
Dee: YEAH AND I DEAL WITH REAL COMICS NOT THAT B.S. U DO....FAKE ASS COMIC..GET A REAL JOB U LAME
Not only is this individual a true idiot and moron, but they are turning into a bully who can’t complete a sentence. In my heart I know they are one of God’s children who went to school on the short bus. However, they are still a bully and I must deal with this mouth breathing mongoloid accordingly. Now it’s time to let that bitch know who is boss.
April: I have a job. Apparently, your job is misrepresenting yourself over the internet. By the way, my advice would be to please get back to whatever fast food counter you work at. You have the education of someone on that track. You have no idea what a real comic is you grammatical nightmare. I realize you probably have a third grade education, and a dishonest streak at that. I dread to see who you would actually book. To tell you the truth, I don't want to work with you.
Please do me a favor, don't write me back again. I wouldn't recommend it you ghetto fabulous food stamp receiving hood rat. You do not want to fight with me. I will beat you because I am smarter, faster, and the real deal. Unfortunately, you are a bully. Bullies do not do very well with me. That is why I am literally wiping the floor with you.
Now let me finish by correcting your grammar. In the business world people must use correct grammar. First off, caps are not appropriate for every word. I realize you wanted to yell. But in order to do so you have to say something authentic. Second, there should be a period at the end of BS. The word choice should be you instead of "u" because "u" is a vowel not a proper noun. Do should have a comma after it, not the random dots that mean nothing that are there for wasted space and dramatic interpretation. Same with your last "sentence. Lame is a describing word that cannot sit by itself, and you have no period at the end. So I am just a lame. You just gave up on the sentence like you should probably just give up on life :)
So your shiteous sentence should actually read: Yeah and I deal with real comics who don't B.S. You do, fake ass comic. Get a real job you lame (then you just quit, just like you should comedy).
I felt I could help because I have a book coming out in a month. You on the other hand are mentally handicapped and barely literate so I don't expect you to read it. Not that you would know anything about what it is to be a successful person.
Anyway, I'm glad I could help.
PS. Write back again and I will really mop the floor with you. I am just getting started.
Well to be continued. Lesson learned, when someone writes back under the email handle firstname.lastname@example.org, they are telling you their next stop is either the welfare line or the local bullpen awaiting preliminary hearing pending trial date. This annual of stupidity was just so impressive I had to share with the world. Maybe I should write back and tell this wannabe moron how I hang out with celebrities from time to time.
Oops, I have wasted enough time, and not to mention my dear celebrity friends would be forced to call security if this barely functional moron showed up.