Yesterday I made the decision to start getting up with the
gusto I had when I was twenty years old. While the whole standup thing made me
ill and I had such a terrible parting with the home club I had done so much
for-don’t even get me started-I didn’t want to be touch and go forever. Sure, I
have a chip on my shoulder about how I have been repeatedly shafted for being a
woman and for being as different as I am. Yes, I feel the art form is hypocritical,
goading the comedian to be groundbreaking but the second you are the doors
close on you. Or better yet, once you have ambition and are a woman there must
be something wrong with you. My list of issues goes on.
Anyway, on the other hand I enjoy being onstage. I have a
day job where I perform. I have performed on the street and subway too and love
it. There is something about stepping out there, the lights on my person. I
always request the Apollo spotlight like they did in the movie Ray. When the room is dark, I say my
opening line and I hear laughter. Sometimes when things are going well I hear, “Wow,
this girl is funny.” Of course, then May Wilson comes out and people are amazed
that I can make her talk without moving my lips. They have never seen a
ventriloquist. Premise, set up, punchline, I am awesome. They love me. I feel
on top of the world. This is my safe place. This is the place where everything
goes right when everything is wrong. When I am going through a breakup, running
from myself, trying to be an adult, trying to get through the death of a best
friend from drugs, trying to deal with being broke this is where everything is
fine. This is when I am safe.
That is, when it goes well.
I decided yesterday to go to an open mic. It was my friend
Hector Luis’s mic. I love Hector because not only is he a good guy, but he is a
student of the art form of standup comedy. As part of the prizes at his mic, I
have won several comedy DVDs that he so lovingly burned. I won best set once or
twice, and the place is always supportive. It’s fun, laid back, and safe. Something
told me get up, go, do it. I also told Hector about my book and he was awesome.
So was Maritza. As a matter of fact, Hector invited me to promo the book this
Saturday on his radio show Rat Dog Radio. More details to follow.
I of course came with my type written set of jokes and was
ready to rock and roll.
I didn’t.
Instead it was sort of the opposite. None of my jokes hit. I
was like WTF?!?! I wrote these, I spent time on them, where did this come from?
All the jokes I had written weren’t working. What had I done wrong? What was
wrong with me?
Immediately I left the stage feeling like I had to fight for
all the laughs I got. Then it hit me in a way. Maybe I had lost my ability to
make people laugh. I had written my book. Yes, it was funny, but I had lost my
stride onstage. Last two weeks, I had been up a few times and did well, but my
jokes were tried and true and had worked for sometime. I was also getting sick
of them and wanted to work on my new puppet Don Juan.
Still, maybe I had lost my ability to make people laugh.
That paranoia shook me.
After I ran out of the mic to get some dinner before meeting
my friends on my friend Tony’s yacht, I told myself maybe I had made a mistake.
I should just stick to author land. I had been inconsistent as a comedian. When
I hit I really hit, and sometimes handled some tough crowds very well when
others were eaten alive. On the other hand, at times I should have just held
the damn torch I always just dropped it and burnt down the village. It was an
either/or situation. At this point I felt things should be better, I should be
more crisp when I hit the stage, right?
Then I remembered the immortal words of Chis Murphy, a
comedian and comedy coach I have had the pleasure of crossing paths with
several times. He once told me that even if you tank, you still got up which
means you won. Then it hit me that I still won. I had written new material and didn’t
do the same A stuff like some people do at mics. Yes, there are people who do A
material at mics. Sometimes it is to workshop a set for a showcase, but
sometimes it is because they just aren’t writing anything else. I had put new
material on it’s feet and some of the jokes have a future, some need to be
shelved for a little bit. Some need to be put in a circular file never to be
heard from again. I also have to relax a little onstage, which means getting
rid of that diva chip on my shoulder. I need to have fun again with new
material, and know that everything happens in it’s own time and this means not
always knowing where the punchline comes from right away.
I have had some awesome sets in my life. I have done a lot
in my short time on this planet. None of that is going to go away. Yes, I
tanked like hell but I took the risks. I also didn’t sit on my ass and wonder
what the next move was. For months I have been agonizing over what next. I
wrote a damn book that is coming out in a month, I have had songs that charted
on the internet, I was a talking head and left that job. I have been wondering,
what’s next. The answer is and has always been to get onstage. In a career where
there is so much one cannot control the only thing you can control is your
output and quality of the work you produce. Sure, if you are funny you can
still be denied, but on the other hand it does make life easier.
Yes, I have an attitude about all I have done and the whole
comedy thing and again, wont get into it here. I will be the first to cop up to
the fact I am a drama queen and a diva. But perhaps it’s time to scrap that,
eat humble pie, and just keep getting up no matter how many times I get knocked
down. The crazy part is, I want to do it again, and again, and again. I don’t even
care if I tank. I just want to do it again.
So to bombing, and doing so brilliantly.
Nagasaki Mutherfucker.
Love,
April
PS. Listen to Rat Dog Radio this Saturday. More details to
follow
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