Lately I have been obsessed with freestyle dance music. I don’t
know what the obsession is, perhaps all the Spanish friends I have had over the
years. But this track is really speaking to me as of late. Maybe it’s because I
feel like all I do is stargaze.
I am starting to assemble my book tour. The emails are being
sent out. I am thinking I want to do a few stops in NYC, a stop in Pittsburgh,
a stop in Providence, a stop in either Boston or the Amherst area or both, and
perhaps even a stop in Toronto. So far my book tour route is the Megabus Route.
This is what happens when you aren’t a driver. But the Megabus isn’t bad. I can
live with it.
I have emailed a few comedy clubs about having signing
events there. No, I did not contact the club I left on bad terms. I am asking
different places. Part of me is reticent to go the club route again with the
signing, but the clubs in question are pretty, are names, and most of all will
do a good job with my signing. The odds of it being a Saturday afternoon are
good so there will probably be so standup anyway. If they force me to throw up
a club favorite or two I can live with that as well. I just think standup might
be awkward if there is no booze in the vicinity.
My overall fury at the standup community is still plentiful.
I could go on all day about how the club I hosted for, earned a ton of money
for, and put on national tv God knows how many times totally screwed me. I
could go on about all the lies told about my parting. Not to mention how doors
closed on my fingers, like steel blades, because of those stories. Then there
were the people I helped who turned their back on me because they believed I
just ditched my post, at least that’s what they were told. Of course there were
the cold shoulders I was given when I did shows elsewhere. I don’t know what
was worse, being betrayed by people I had given so much publicity to or being
shunned in a community I thought I belonged to because God forbid I have
ambition and want a career.
On the flipside, I learned who my friends were and were not.
I also learned for the most part standup is a deceased art form. Not to mention
I wrote and am about to release a book. While I was there I was a popular
talking head for an internet website. I got fans all over the world and
continued momentum from my Reality TV show appearance. I also made a lot of
videos, got more followers on youtube, and recorded music. My music not only
has been getting radio airplay, but “Stay” has been number one online for
almost 5 straight weeks. I am also ranked 48th on another site out
of the five hundred dance artists and I am climbing strong. Not bad for a girl
who was an accidental singer in a big market. And not one but two movies I made
are hitting festivals as well as both TV pilots I shot.
I would have done none of this had my old home club kissed
my ass. I would have done none of this had the standup doors flown right open.
If the club falls through I might try a music venue and have
live music at my signing. I don’t know. Would that hit so well in the
afternoon? Probably hot.
I know I have to let the facts make the decision and not
Marley’s Chains rattling around my ankles with hundreds of pounds of resentment
and anger from utter betrayal. I am not angry with the art form. Hell, I am not
even angry with half the community. I am just angry I did so much for a lot of
people and they shunned me. I have gone over it in my head that my luck would
have been better if I were a man, if I were an ugly woman, or if I did sexual
favors for stage time. If I were a man I would have probably been vaunted as a
genius. If I were an ugly woman everyone would have assumed I was funny just
cause I was ugly no matter how much I tanked. If I did sexual favors for stage
time then I would probably have had no problem.
But instead, I got more television time than most of my
male, ugly female, and slut counterparts. The way I was rewarded was being shut
out. No matter though, other doors opened. I know I have more TV time than any
of those people will ever get. None of them get fan mail from around the world.
None of them have written a book. None of them will ever have a song that’s
even remotely close to a hit. They are all the same, carbon copies of each
other. They can beat the dead horse and run after the shadows. Maybe it’s
better those people and I don’t mix anymore.
However, I have to believe these other venues I am
approaching are better than the club I left. Since I have left I have heard
other stories from people about how they got screwed over by these folks in the
worst way. While they didn’t get them the publicity I did, they came close and
got the doors slammed. While they weren’t shunned by the comedy community as a
whole, they know the feeling and together we can laugh about what dirtbags we
left behind.
I do believe these other places I approach will be better to
me than the one I left. I have to believe they will treat me fairly and do a
good job with my signing. I don’t expect them to curtail to me and give me
headliner spots even if I make them a ton of money. I probably won’t get
headliner spots because I am not a man, an ugly woman, or a slut with no
talent. While they would be nice I know not to expect them. All I want is a
nice book signing, a lot of people, and hell, I’ll even do comedy in the
afternoon. Let people get trashed midday. It might make them feel better. And
if they feel real guilty they can hit an AA meeting afterwards.
So that settles it, I am seeking out a high profile club to
do a signing in. Eh what the hell, I am most definitely having standup. There
will be one signing with standup, another with music.
Hit the airwaves and mark em up. My rise to the top is only
beginning.
A pig’s orgasm lasts thirty minutes
Giraffes have no vocal chords
God, am I a petulant child who bitches a lot.
Love,
April
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