Friday, July 13, 2012

Stargazing (Alisha)

Lately I have been obsessed with freestyle dance music. I don’t know what the obsession is, perhaps all the Spanish friends I have had over the years. But this track is really speaking to me as of late. Maybe it’s because I feel like all I do is stargaze.
I am starting to assemble my book tour. The emails are being sent out. I am thinking I want to do a few stops in NYC, a stop in Pittsburgh, a stop in Providence, a stop in either Boston or the Amherst area or both, and perhaps even a stop in Toronto. So far my book tour route is the Megabus Route. This is what happens when you aren’t a driver. But the Megabus isn’t bad. I can live with it.
I have emailed a few comedy clubs about having signing events there. No, I did not contact the club I left on bad terms. I am asking different places. Part of me is reticent to go the club route again with the signing, but the clubs in question are pretty, are names, and most of all will do a good job with my signing. The odds of it being a Saturday afternoon are good so there will probably be so standup anyway. If they force me to throw up a club favorite or two I can live with that as well. I just think standup might be awkward if there is no booze in the vicinity.
My overall fury at the standup community is still plentiful. I could go on all day about how the club I hosted for, earned a ton of money for, and put on national tv God knows how many times totally screwed me. I could go on about all the lies told about my parting. Not to mention how doors closed on my fingers, like steel blades, because of those stories. Then there were the people I helped who turned their back on me because they believed I just ditched my post, at least that’s what they were told. Of course there were the cold shoulders I was given when I did shows elsewhere. I don’t know what was worse, being betrayed by people I had given so much publicity to or being shunned in a community I thought I belonged to because God forbid I have ambition and want a career.
On the flipside, I learned who my friends were and were not. I also learned for the most part standup is a deceased art form. Not to mention I wrote and am about to release a book. While I was there I was a popular talking head for an internet website. I got fans all over the world and continued momentum from my Reality TV show appearance. I also made a lot of videos, got more followers on youtube, and recorded music. My music not only has been getting radio airplay, but “Stay” has been number one online for almost 5 straight weeks. I am also ranked 48th on another site out of the five hundred dance artists and I am climbing strong. Not bad for a girl who was an accidental singer in a big market. And not one but two movies I made are hitting festivals as well as both TV pilots I shot.
I would have done none of this had my old home club kissed my ass. I would have done none of this had the standup doors flown right open.
If the club falls through I might try a music venue and have live music at my signing. I don’t know. Would that hit so well in the afternoon? Probably hot.
I know I have to let the facts make the decision and not Marley’s Chains rattling around my ankles with hundreds of pounds of resentment and anger from utter betrayal. I am not angry with the art form. Hell, I am not even angry with half the community. I am just angry I did so much for a lot of people and they shunned me. I have gone over it in my head that my luck would have been better if I were a man, if I were an ugly woman, or if I did sexual favors for stage time. If I were a man I would have probably been vaunted as a genius. If I were an ugly woman everyone would have assumed I was funny just cause I was ugly no matter how much I tanked. If I did sexual favors for stage time then I would probably have had no problem.
But instead, I got more television time than most of my male, ugly female, and slut counterparts. The way I was rewarded was being shut out. No matter though, other doors opened. I know I have more TV time than any of those people will ever get. None of them get fan mail from around the world. None of them have written a book. None of them will ever have a song that’s even remotely close to a hit. They are all the same, carbon copies of each other. They can beat the dead horse and run after the shadows. Maybe it’s better those people and I don’t mix anymore.
However, I have to believe these other venues I am approaching are better than the club I left. Since I have left I have heard other stories from people about how they got screwed over by these folks in the worst way. While they didn’t get them the publicity I did, they came close and got the doors slammed. While they weren’t shunned by the comedy community as a whole, they know the feeling and together we can laugh about what dirtbags we left behind.
I do believe these other places I approach will be better to me than the one I left. I have to believe they will treat me fairly and do a good job with my signing. I don’t expect them to curtail to me and give me headliner spots even if I make them a ton of money. I probably won’t get headliner spots because I am not a man, an ugly woman, or a slut with no talent. While they would be nice I know not to expect them. All I want is a nice book signing, a lot of people, and hell, I’ll even do comedy in the afternoon. Let people get trashed midday. It might make them feel better. And if they feel real guilty they can hit an AA meeting afterwards.
So that settles it, I am seeking out a high profile club to do a signing in. Eh what the hell, I am most definitely having standup. There will be one signing with standup, another with music.
Hit the airwaves and mark em up. My rise to the top is only beginning.
A pig’s orgasm lasts thirty minutes
Giraffes have no vocal chords
God, am I a petulant child who bitches a lot.

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