Ball of Light

Lately I have been feeling pretty good. I don’t know why. Some of it is tied to the fact that Mother Nature finally knows what season it is. Some of it is that I am finally getting my book published and completing another project that goes with it. “Stay” has remained number 1 online for four weeks. Another one of my songs will debut later this week and I am recording a new one next week. I filmed a pilot for Adult Swim two weeks ago. I feel good.

Yesterday I made my way to Coney Island. I just felt like getting out of my house and didn’t feel like doing any work. I went with some friends and had fun. During our meandering, we managed to walk into the freakshow. They wanted to see the freaks, I wanted to know if they recruited any of my relatives. It was more awesome than I had imagined, and I wasn’t disappointed. Still, some of that fire eating and sword juggling could be scary if it went wrong. And that sword swallowing, yowza.

The boardwalk was peaceful, and I danced with a strange drunken woman. My straight male companion would have been jealous but she was old. For the first time in a million years I felt alright. I don’t know why, but I felt like I was being carried. In the past I was so scared that I would be dropped. I don’t know where this new sense of self is coming from but I like it.

During my travels I realize I sort of miss standup too. I don’t perform as much these days. Some of it is that during a parting with a club that I got a ton of press and earned a lot of money for, things got bitter because their way of paying me back was to fire me. Then of course there is the netherworld that despite all the TV time I have gotten that I am not quite a big ticket item. Meanwhile, the last time the big ticket items were on TV was five years ago. Maybe it would have been different if I were male, or if I were an ugly woman. I don’t know. At the same time, while I am not quite a big ticket item, I am not bottom of the barrel or check spot person either. I paid my dues there and have had a lot of TV time. I could go on about this all day.

I could go on about a lot of things. I could go into being fired from the club I made a lot of money for. Of course there is being snubbed by the alternative awards shows as well as the festivals because I am not an ugly woman and don’t have a funky beard. Maybe if I were an ugly woman with a funky beard I would win all the awards, and a special one for growing such a bushy beard. Eh, fuck it. I have fans from around the world. They have a small circle of people who salute them. At the end of it all I still come out the winner.

The thing I actually miss is touring, going to new places and meeting new people. When I was really hitting the road a few years ago I got to know Mass, CT, Delaware, PA, the Midwest, and Canada a tad. The problem was, the money sucked and usually I would burn it up going to and from. However, I miss the car rides. During the car rides you bond with people, and that’s when you truly feel like you are a member of a community, something greater than yourself. I miss that bonding, those adventures, those stories.

This fall I am doing a book tour. I plan on stopping at New York of course, but also Providence, Pittsburgh, Amherst, and perhaps Boston. Maybe I will perform a little there.

I don’t know. I just know that I sort of miss it. On the other hand, music has been coming surprisingly easy to me as is the writing and creating of other projects. Since publishing my book though, I feel really good. I just feel like this next phase of my development is going to be awesome.

Will it be the pilot I filmed? Or one of my singles? Better yet, my book?

Who knows, but I will be very big soon.

You watch me.

Love,

April