Saturday, July 14, 2012

Dear Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,
I have one question, why do you perpetually keep destroying my city? Yes, I am talking about New York. I am talking about the city that never sleeps. The greatest city in the world. I am aware this whole thing started back in the 1930s with King Kong and Fey Ray, but it has been too many movies and it has gone too far. Why must you keep torturing us?
We have the Yankees, Broadway, the Giants, indie film, standup comedy, and we gave you Madonna and Lady Gaga. Are you jealous Hollywood? Jealous that your definition of talent is stupid women with fake boobs so full of silicone that they could float after any shipwreck? Oops, that’s why you left my city alone when you made Titanic.
Is it that you don’t like us because there are vegans and hipsters? Well you have your share of granola eating hippies that drop acid claiming it opens the mind.
Or maybe it’s because we can handle a giant ape, an alien attack, giant reptiles and other assorted scaries because we have all the superheros. Yes, Spiderman, Batman, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk and I believe Superman all live in my city? Why, because it is the greatest city in the world.
While I love Pittsburgh, the Steeler fans might kill all these giant creatures or worse yet, recruit them for the football team. Jersey, well some of those uglies might blend right in. Connecticut and Boston, that wouldn’t even be a match. Don’t mess with the Northampton area of the state, there are lesbians with lacrosse sticks that will kill those evil beings, but unfortunately Middle America is not ready for that plot line. Sure, the farmers in the Midwest might stab them with their pitchforks, but we can see that plotline coming and there are only silohs and not bridges to blow up. If it’s the South, especially Alabama, those beasts may intermarry with the people and join the Southern Baptist Convention.
And if they come to you in Cali, we all know you would try to talk peace and love and take them for raw food before they ripped your guts out and ate you.
So now I know why you do what you do when it comes to my city. New Yorkers are strong, we can handle it. On second thought, bring on the aliens and monsters

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