Friday, March 2, 2012

Dirtbag Speak Translated

Comment whether you love me or hate me. This is the land of the first amendment. We are all entitled to our opinions

It’s not about the sex with me.

Translated: It is all about the sex with me. I am telling you this so you will sleep with me. By the way, this usually work.

My ex girlfriend/ex wife was crazy.

Translated: It was me who acted like the asshole and she finally decided it was payback. While law enforcement sided me with me, I deserved it.

I would never cheat on a woman. I’m a faithful kind of guy.

Translated: I cheated frequently and often, I am just smart enough not to get caught.

I think rap music is degrading to women.

Translated: I want to pretend I value your brains and not your vagina just so I can pound that pussy later.

Hey Beautiful (or any variation depending on ethnicity of the male in question)

Translated: I have a girl in every port and this is my stock greeting. This will end in a child that I don’t finance and someday may not even acknowledge.

My kid’s mother is a psycho. She won’t let me see our child.

Translated: I was a deadbeat who refused to pull my load, and was a terrible husband/father/provider. I still don’t pay support and don’t care about my kid, but I do care about sleeping with you and possibly getting a loan later.

Nobody understands me.

Translated: I am an asshole and everyone knows it.

But baby, if we want this to work we both have to invest in this.

Translated: I will be doing the freeloading, you will be doing the investing. Yes, you will be paying my bills sugar.

You need someone to take care of you.

Translated: This is my way of worming into your pants and possibly staying rent free. But staying rent free doesn’t mean staying loyal.

I was arrested when I was younger, but it was a misunderstanding.

Translated: I was guilty as shit

I will be able to make you do things you never dreamed of in bed.

Translated: It will be the ten most disappointing seconds of your life.

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