Saturday, March 31, 2012

April's Impressive List of Loser Men

I have dated some doozies. But here are some men who deserve spots in the top ten. I love them all.

10. Hipster Boy-A failed actor, a wannabe writer and a musician who made music no one understood. I asked him if he had ever been with a man. He said no, but he had given a professor of his a blow job once and it was "surreal and enlightening."

9. Sell Me Bob- A vacuum cleaner salesman and a Republican, he told me he had slept with over 100 women and asked me a set of questions about being trapped on a desert island. Were these 100 women imaginary.

8. Romeo Rob- A would be rockstar and guitar hero, he told me that if I slept with him I could say we did the McNasty one day when he was famous. He currently works for Verizon and messaged me for a date when he saw me on TV.

7. Millionaire Mack- He had millions of dollars he confessed to making after he admitted he got it swindling his brother. He also said I would never make it as a ventriloquist. Then he was the first to message me when I was on TV, LOSER!

6. Lawyer/Liar- He claimed he played with the Violent Femmes, had mafia ties, and even claimed he almost went to the Olympics for boxing. Well he wore boxer shorts. Does that count.

5. Darryl- Yes, he is an ex con. After 11.5 years in prison he got out of his cage and found his way to me. Unfortunately he just can't keep out of trouble with the law. Occasionally he calls me in between cocaine and heroin binges leaving the following message, "Hey Toots, when are we gonna get that hotel room where we can do the nasty?" I know. What a gentlemen.

4. Ross- An automechanic who was Guido to the T, he wore designer clothing but never paid a dime of child support. He denied having kids, then he had them, then he paid support he claimed, and then it turned out he was a DEAD BEAT WOMAN RUINER. But he made me feel like a princess during our brief courtship and didn't force sex upon me. I just thought it was because he was a gentlemen, meanwhile he probably just didn't want to create more children. 

3. Holden Caulfied- He is twenty seven, has been married twice, and is 65k in the hole in child support. He has a drug problem, alcohol problem, three warrants for his arrest, and a loan shark that wants to break his legs. Currently working as a bi-sexual rent boy, he claims he still loves me. I do believe him, even if he says it when he's drunk.

2. The Prison Escapee-He managed to escape from a minimum security work program by getting a job in the weight room where he could just walk out. Don't worry, they captured him. Still, nothing says love like a heroin addict showing up to your door to ask for money. And even though he robbed houses, he never touched mine. I love you Keith.

1. Sean the Psychotic Ex Fiance- Lets see, when we were together he made me support him and was sleeping with a stripper he once dated who gave him a grand every week. Not to mention tried to kill himself in front of me twice! He even offered to kill his mother to get the insurance money to be with me. One separate mailing address later I can still say that I had the once in a lifetime experience of true love.

Surrounded by my hottie bodyguards in case my exes return. I think John Hinckley Jr. shall be writing me a love letter shortly.

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