Thursday, March 22, 2012

Running in Circles

I have been so tired lately. I feel like all I do is work. Climbing a mountain to the top, I feel like there is no top. Who knows? Maybe there is. I just feel like I am a guest in this man's world sometimes. And then I am an alien creature in the feminine realm.

When it comes to being a girl I am not a girly girl who always expected daddy to do everything and makes a man suffer when he doesn't live up to the standards. I have never looked perfect. On the other hand I deplore granola and baggy sweaters. While I love angry chick lit, when it gets bad it is absolutely rotten. On the other hand I have never missed an episode of Snapped.

I operate more like a guy on so many levels. On the other hand, the small part of me wants the castle. But I know Prince Charming comes with a nagging mother or a parole officer. That fantasy that Disney crafted to ruin women was corrupted long ago.

I feel like as a woman who speaks her mind, honest, I am an outsider. They say be yourself but I am. As a result I am punished either by doors closing or silent scorn. They say be sweet. I just can't. I am not a doormat. I snap back and fight back all the time. I just have myself in this world. Men come and they go. They say nice things but they always have another bitch waiting in the wings. They all lie, it's a fact. The sooner women get used to it the better. I have been told I should shave my head and move to Northampton. I don't like a winter with too much snow and I am worried I would run out of tossle caps.

Sometimes, I just want to take my puppets and move my the river. I would be like the Unabomber, living off the land. I would just have my puppets. No friends, no one to remind me that I lived in a tent and was therefore technically homeless. We would perform by the river for change. We would live off soft pretzels and hot dogs. Ooops I do that already, nevermind.

A few nights ago I told off a real prick. He lured me somewhere with promises of talking business but really wanted to get into my pants. The dialogue went like this.

Assfuck: Give me a kiss.
Me: No.
Assfuck: Just a kiss on the lips.
Me: No, I never mix business with pleasure.
Assfuck: Last time I checked this was my venue and you aren't getting paid.
Me: Invade my personal space again and I will throw this soda on your face.
Assfuck: Do you know what the definition of a professional is?
Me: Enlighten me
Assfuck: Someone who shakes hands no matter what.
Me: I am not shaking your hand. I do not know where it has been.

In between insert several homophobic comments about my friends and several slights to me for my knowlege of gay culture. He crashes a convo I am having with a girl who needs schooled on gay cuture for a show. This was another memorable exchange.
Assfuck: I feel useless here. I think I am going to leave.
Me: Please do Archie Bunker.
Assfuck returns a second later
Assfuck: If I knew you were this gay I wouldn't have asked you here.
Me: I get gayer by the minute sir.
Assfuck: If it's one thing I know it's lesbians. And what every butch girl wants is a good dick.
Me: No, no they don't. That's why they are dating women. Perceptions like yours contibute to homophobia and hate.
Assfuck: I am not homophobic.
Me:Yes you are.
Assfuck: Well every butch woman wants a big cock like mine.
Me: They probably had your cock and that's why they turned gay. You scarred them.

Then as the evening goes on he finds out I have been on TV several times and wants to suck up some. Oh, and he finds out I have some friends who are well connected. At this time we are discussing business. Therefore I am not just expressing my distain for this dickhead but am a complete and utter shark.
Me: If we are going to pack this venue I need the following things, facebook page and posters. Word of mouth will not cut it. We don't just need music but other ideas.
Assfuck: Could you not speak to me so disrespectfully?
Me: Youhave disrespectfully touched me all night. You have acted disrespectfully. I am talking business like an adult. If you don't like it we don't have to include you.
Assfuck: I sell real estate and sell spaces to people for $4000 that should be $2000
Me: You are a liar too. Sorry, but I believe in giving a customer a fair product. Your ethics are unnerving. And people respond in kind when they have been lied or cheated in any way.

Finally the evening ends. I am tired. Perhaps we can still do a show at this wonderful venue. However, Assfuck ruins it.
Assfuck: April is the kind of girl I could sit and talk to for hours.
Me: No I am not.
Assfuck gets up and throws a silent scornful tantrum.
Assfuck: Well thank you for coming.
Me: I can't work with you. You cannot seperate business and pleasure.
Assfuck: Yes I can.
Me: No you can't. You gave me proof all night.

I got to leave.
Assfuck: Thank you for coming.
Me: No problem.
Assfuck: Would Statue of David like to perform? They made your song sound fabulous!
Me: No. They have better things to do.
Assfuck: You need someone like me to guide you.
Me: And you need to grow up.

What I am trying to say fans is that my spring fling is over. While the man was good on my nerves and made me smile, a smiling woman is a soft woman. And I am hard as nails. Plus being angry and pissed off at men is how I create my best art. I am mad at the world. Watch my youtube channel. Plus Kindred Spirit has probably moved on to a new ho anyway. That was more his speed. I on the other hand, am top speed fast pitch.

Look out bitches here I come.

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