Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Finding Holden Caulfield

Lately I have felt a little heartbroken. Actually a lot. To make a long story short someone who I cared for called me not once but twice this week. When I met him we were two people who had a lot in common. We both were two broken toys who had somehow found each other in this vast world. He had been kicked out of places, married, had kids, and through all sorts of things. I had almost been married to a nightmare. That breakup almost killed me. Nothing says broken heart like getting a different mailing address so the man who was once your one and only can't find you.

Enter Holden Caulfield. He fits his name to a T. He was my confidant when I was dating Dimsdale, an aged icon. Okay Dimsdale is not the aged icon's real name and Holden is not my former lover's real name either. Both work and both apply though. Holden was there when my ex fiance made an amends to me before Thanksgiving. He saw how upset I was, he was there the night I melted down. Holden and I became especially close during the two day time span when my house was robbed. He never left my side. Things got complicated. Many of my male friends accused him of having other motives. I know he didn't. I know Holden would have never hurt me.

Unfortunately, he made some mistakes and was forced to leave NYC. He wanted to give me the world and told me he loved me. I believed him and still do. He says he misses his kids. Neither of which are in his life because he is an alcoholic, a drug addict, and has bi-polar disorder and is non-compliant with his medication. That is the reason he is several grand in the hole when it comes to child support and is in some other trouble I will not go into.

The last time we spoke he was very sick, far detached from reality. I don't know what is worse. Is it the fact some people believe his behavior is funny? No, he is destroying his life, makes his family worry, and misses his kids who by the way he is not allowed to see because of his active addiction. Is it the fact that he is so flippant about the fact he is destroying his life? Yes, there were photos of him on his facebook page, him drinking in each and every one. It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't an alcoholic. Maybe it's the fact I have seen him sober and know how sad he is about all of this. Perhaps it is because I got to know him, and know that under all that was a good person with a good heart who would never hurt anyone.

There are people around me who call him names like fuck up. Maybe he is. But on the other hand, they don't understand how very sick he is. Part of me wants to go help him, save him. Then I remember our phone call where he informed me, "I am having so much fun that not even a whole fellowship of people could save me."

When people use words like fuck up that makes me wince. Truth be told, I have buried friends because of drugs. There was Roger who died as a result of long term drug use, a kindred spirit who I quote all too frequently. There was Joe, who would smack me in the head when I was going wrong but ultimately couldn't save himself, who got me writing again. Lest we not forget John and Julissa who were murdered. Of course then there was Jorge, who's laugh I still hear sometimes. Those funerals are hard. That is why a week ago I made the decision to block Holden on facebook. It's not because I don't care. It's because I too care. Seeing someone who you love and care about destroy and kill themselves is like having your heart ripped out and kicked across the floor.

I also know it's not because he won't get it. It's because he can't get it. It's not that he doesn't love or want to take care of his kids, it's that he can't love or take care of himself. I know he really loves me and would give me the world if he could. I know what he said was real. I know he wasn't like a lot of those other guys who just wanted to use whatever lines they could in order to use me for their satisfaction. I had not experienced that in forever. While in part it made me want to run, the other part of me was blown away by something so pure and real.

Then again, wasn't Salinger's character pure, real, and innocent. Didn't Holden Caulfied want to stand by the cliffs to catch the children before they fell, losing their innocence and descending into the dark abyss of the adult world? Didnt he want to go out West and live as a deaf mute? So far my man is fitting the T.

That is why it is so hard not to pick up the phone when he calls. That is why it is hard to just turn a blind eye. Because I know his heart. Some of it was the fact that he had pictures of himself with random women, drinking and kissing them. Part of me felt jealous. On the other hand, even when he was with one woman who he was using for a place to stay, he still used her computer to message me on several occasions when she wasn't looking. Even though there are many a woman in those photos, he still put me on speaker phone calling me one of his "famous friends" from NYC and talking about all the TV shows I had been on. I suppose they are Sally Hayes.

He on the other hand, is my Holden Caulfield. I know he is true. Unfortunately, mental illness and addiction are ugly. People call it a "need for an attitude adjustment" or a "character flaw." I know it isn't. I know he is lonely, lost, unhappy, and above all things sick. I know that if he could fix himself he would.

Even though she dated Stratlatter, and even though she was out with the Joe Yales she probably smiled when his name crossed her lips. She probably knew that if the world were simple she could be with the man who loved her. But the world isn't that simple. I know he will drag me down before I ever fix him. I know that unless he decides to get help and change he is headed nowhere good. I suppose I just have to ask God to watch him, guide him, and protect him from other people but most of all himself.

Now I know how Jane Gallagher felt.

Love April

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