The other night I ended up going out with an old friend of mine. We had dinner which was what I needed. I actually don’t get to see Josh enough. He is one of the few straight, male friends I have that isn’t a comedian. Actually he’s one of my few straight male friends in general. Nonetheless it was good to see him again. He had been having a rough month being unemployed, having lost his uncle and then his cat. So the dinner was good for the both of us, plutonic friends out for a stroll.
We went on a walk after dinner and I ended up going to my place for a sweatshirt. It was a University of Pittsburgh zip up I had gotten for my birthday. As I ran downstairs I didn’t know how I felt about things getting cold. While I love the fall and live for it being a fall baby, October is a strange month for everyone. It’s Halloween and then of course it’s a sign Christmas is around the corner. Nonetheless I love the change of the leaves and the different colors they become as they fall to the ground.
When I got downstairs my friend Josh and I walked towards the Yotel. It’s this new bar of sorts by my house and sort of a mock hotel. I don’t get it. I just know my friend Marcus’s ex of sorts worked there until he partied his way out of the job. For the record Marcus has a new man who is much better for him. Anyway, Josh and I wanted to check it out so we went in. There was a bizarre robot there and apparently it was to store luggage. To me it looked completely useless.
We rode the elevator up to the bar area and on the elevator with us were girls who looked as if they crawled out of the perfectly packaged case at the Mattel store. The guys all looked gay or metro sexual. Of course they weren’t the kind of gay that would be friends with me. My gays more or less do the drag balls or work in high fashion. These guys looked like they were out of the J. Crew catalogue. Josh and I of course were in our sweatshirts and jeans. Looking at the girls in the designer clothes I felt the need to head to the nearest sports bar, order a Budweiser, crack some peanuts, and root for the Steelers.
We got to the bar itself and sat down on some cushions. The place actually looked pretty cheap. As I saw the girls walk by in their designer clothing and with their girly drinks that would probably be a breakfast favor for Amy Winehouse even dead I prayed for them to fall off their Jimmy Choo shoes. And the guys with them fawned over these plastic goddesses. It was like high school all over again. The insecurities were returning. I pictured myself some thirty pounds heavier with worse makeup than I have now. Of course there were all these skinny, pretty bitches rubbing it in that their lives were perfect. I tried to remind myself of every wonderful thing I had done in my life but it wasn’t working.
Looking at the plastics I wondered why I had left my Abercrombie and Fitch at home? Better yet, where was my Malibu Dream Home when I needed it? While Josh was wonderful company, I should have chucked him and brought Ken. It was one of those moments of my life where I truly felt there was something wrong with me. Again I tried to remind myself of all my good points and accomplishments but one thing remained, these Cinderellas were ready for the ball and I looked like I was on my way to do the laundry. I tried to remember I had been on TV, was about to publish a book, had several projects in the works, hung out with celebrities and not to mention recently had dinner with someone who won both a Tony and an Emmy. But nevermind, I wasn’t plastic. I had a burger and fries for dinner, a food group a plastic would never stomach.
Josh and I joked about this and wondered if our lives would be easier if we were shallow. We agreed they would. After all, we wouldn’t care as much. At the same time we wouldn’t have the friends we had, friends who had been to jail. Instead they would have probably robbed us. Still the feelings from high school remained. How was it so easy for those plastics to look pretty and not care? Not to mention listen to a club mix that would have made Michael Alig kill Angel Melendez all over again. Yes it was that bad. Of course these kids probably all went to Vassar too, or a Sarah Lawrence or a place where people believe they did something important for four years.
Either way, when I got home that night I felt like the ugly, fat, fifteen year old kid all over again. I just remembered kids like that teasing me. They told me the ventriloquism was stupid. I would never get to New York. Then to make matters worse I saw a bitch I hate is doing well. That was the worst news of all. I found myself praying she got hit by a truck. Then I saw two friends of mine were doing well. These were two people who had always been kind to me. I found myself hoping that they failed on their quest for success which was mucho evil. Why the hell was I so pissed about the happiness of others?
I tried to remind myself yet again of all the wonderful things that had happened in my life and the wonderful things I had to look forward to. I now have a web talk show. I am on my way to publishing a book. I have a webseries I am a part of that may be getting picked up by a big web channel. I have another webseries I guest starred on that is launching and the host is a big freaking deal and a hero of mine. Not to mention I am covering a song produced by a relative of a Hollywood legend. And earlier this month I had dinner with a Tony and Emmy award winner. I am friends with Tony and Emmy award winners and Heisman winners.
Needless to say after watching some reruns of Unsolved Mysteries on Youtube I cried myself to sleep.
In the morning I woke up and went for my jog. As I was running it dawned on me. Sure the kids looked rich and shallow and dressed in labels in Yotel but I didn’t know them. Maybe if I would have spoken to them we would have gotten along. Maybe they had struggles of their own. Maybe, just maybe, they too were picked on in school. I didn’t know that or them. Maybe they detested the club music as much as I did. Of course there was the visit from the Green Eyed Monster. It was only right I be happy for some of these women because they had been happy and had always been kind to me. As for the one I didn’t like, well she can enjoy the break all she wants because she is fat and old. Sure it is a gig I would kill for, but I have had TV time she will never have. And I will continue to do so.
I thought of all the wonderful things I had done this year, was currently doing and realized not only is this the beginning but there is no need to be jealous of anyone. I am doing well myself and just need to focus on that. And the fact I am friends with people doing well means I have positive people in my life who are doing positive things and I should be flattered by the fact that not only do they congratulate me but want to keep my company. That’s what I would tell someone who writes me at my advice column (aprilbrucker@hotmail.com if you have a quiery)
I guess the crazy thing is, no matter how bad or good things are, we all are a little guilty of drawing the big old less than sign in our direction in the equation. God does an attack of low self esteem suck the big one. Maybe I should talk about this on my web talk show, Confessions, on younow.com every Sunday night from 8-10 pm EST on younow.com. Love April
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