Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Blast From the Past

I have had some adventures in my life. In between a homicidal ex fiancé who told his friends he wanted me dead and then trying to kill himself to get my attention, well that is just the tip of the iceberg. Then again that whole era in my life was a little crazy. I look back now and laugh. Yes speed doesn’t help you lose weight it only makes you crazy. Jack Daniels was a shitty boyfriend. Mia didn’t help me lose weight either. She only made me an irritable jealous bitch. Either way I can chuckle about it now.
On the other hand it seems people from that time in my life have been popping up. It’s almost as if they can smell that I am doing well. One was an old friend who wanted to meet me for coffee. He showed up drugged out as his lady friend called him coked out and talking to her was like talking to a screaming version of Alvin and the Chipmunks. I thought this dude was a nice dude but then I used to know him from my party phase. Let me tell you he was the biggest creep ever. The best line of the evening, after he offered to buy me lingerie, was, “Do you drink water?” Why so you can spike it sir? Wow.
Then there is another guy I went out with. Sexually confused, he took me out. Insisting he was straight, he said he was only gay when he did drugs. Then he kept saying that now that he was drug free he was dating women and wanted to get married. That was the most interesting date I think I had ever been on. The physical touching plus the weird sex talk spelled forced. Then he offered to be my sugar daddy. I just remember thinking, “Dude, you are gay. Get over it.” Well then after that date he goes out and does a bunch of drugs and fucked a bunch of guys. That had gay written all over it. I saw him yesterday and it was the same sort of thing. He said he had chosen to be gay because his mother was so domineering and had just broken up with a woman. Then he mentioned he was going to a gay drug rehab program and had just gotten off of a crystal meth binge where he fucked a bunch of guys. He looked tired. I just wanted to say, “Dude, save yourself some energy and just admit you are gay and just live as a gay man. Many do it and are very happy. You will sleep better at night.”
Of course there is the friend of mine who called me from rehab last week. We were close one time. When I was broke and had no food he used to cook for me. Then after he started doing drugs again I stopped talking to him. A lot of us did. Apparently he almost killed himself and it was a shit show after a drug binge. When he called me from the rehab he was in I remember talking to him as he was complaining about how screwed up his house mates were. As he was talking I reminded him that he was in a half way house because he didn’t have his shit together so therefore perhaps he shouldn’t be so judgmental. When I reminded him of this my buddy had a mini shit fit. After hanging up the phone I was like, “Captain, he still doesn’t get it.”
Walking along I saw a friend of mine from that period of time who was just as eager to get it together as I was. He was a breath of fresh air and just seemed to really have it together. Well not when I saw him. Instead he was back on the drugs, homeless and barely recognized me. This of course was on my morning jog. I don’t know. It didn’t terrify me because I know he has a good heart. More than anything it broke my heart. I just wanted to say, “Dude you are better than this.” Instead I just kept running.
This was nothing of course compared to the day before when I was running along and saw a guy I dated. Nearly twice my age, he had escaped from prison at one point. Sure he had been recaptured and paid his debt to society by the time we met years later. Then he showed up at my door with more holes than Swiss Cheese in his arms. He asked me for dope money and instead I cleaned him up and gave him cigarettes. He came back again and told me I had gained weight and gotten fat. Then Prince Charming, who at that time had taken up residence in the park because he had been kicked out of his house, made a few burglaries on the block or so I suspect. It was never proven but that was his thing. Anyway, I thought he was dead but there he was ready to put my number in his Metro PCS. However he didn’t excite me like he used to. Instead I saw a loser middle aged junkie doing his umpteenth methadone program.
Looking back I don’t even know what drew me to people like this. Maybe I was so good my entire life that it was my turn to be bad. Perhaps it was the shyness I felt that I thought alcohol cured and therefore drew me to people in a certain element. Alcohol certainly did cure my shyness to the point where I was the biggest dumbass in the world sans judgment. Maybe it was the lure of the dangerous life and then I realized it wasn’t a life at all. Either way I knew the thought of living in the fast lane was making me a little too tired and that’s why I decided to retire to the car pool lane.
These days life is pretty good too. I am starting to make a little money, not a lot, just a little. I am making headway in my career that I never dreamed I would make. Actually I used to dream but I thought some of the wonderful things that happened to me only happened to beautiful, wonderful, happy, lucky people. This past year I started to ask myself, “Why can’t I be one of those beautiful, wonderful, happy, lucky people?” And I have been with a wonderful career on the horizon and wonderful friends. And the opportunities keep pouring in.
On the other hand, I sometimes think of all of my friends who have partied too hard and are no longer with us. Or those that didn’t get the memo that eventually the party has to end. In a way it makes me angry they didn’t get the memo as I see them screwing up their lives. When I partied with them it was all still cute. For them they are no longer cute, they are just losers on this eternal quest for this city of gold and fountain of youth that doesn’t exist. Basically, they are still living by a bullshit philosophy that has made them perpetually wander and still makes them wander and probably will until the day they die. In a way I feel sick to my stomach knowing I once associated with them and thought they were okay people.
However I know that anger is really just a bunch of guilt, because for some reason I was able to get out and fly right and they still haven’t found the exit out of the broken toy store. And the sad thing is that many of them never will. For some reason I was different. Maybe it was because I went to college. Maybe it is because I was sort of smart. Maybe it was because I got sick and tired of being sick and tired all the Goddamn time and wondering why my life was never where I wanted it to be. Either way as things are going good and these people are popping up I don’t feel so good.
Actually it feels fucking shitty.

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