This past week has been something else. I am as sick as a fucking dog for starters. My bones hurt, I haven’t been to the gym in a while and I feel like cutting a bitch. Just have been on the Nyquil sleep program and eating enough chicken soup where I swear to God my post teenaged soul is cleansed. The worst part is I have been working like a dog too. Nevermind I am sick. Rest is for the weary.
Yesterday I managed to clean up long enough to host my show on YouNow called Confessions on the talk channel. I had a mini Confessions party over my house. I at one point logged out of the cue to log my friend on and well, we accidentally lost two hundred viewers because a rerun was playing. I got some shit for that. They are moving the show to Sunday night between eight and ten. I think the time slot will be better. Either way I felt drained after hosting, especially since my friend Devon broke my damn bed. Still it was a fun show and am looking forward to doing more weekly.
Today I worked a lot. I delivered two telegrams. They tipped me well on the one. The telegram deliveries are good. Means the economy is picking up. But it’s hard to sing and dance with a sore throat. My second delivery had a guy demasking me. It was a first. My second delivery landed me in sort of surreal land. I was at the Essex House, the place that I went on my first date with my celebrity quasi-boyfriend. Well I was supposed to go there before he changed his mind because he wanted privacy. I remember just sitting there waiting for him.
As I made the exit with the dark circles under my eyes I saw all the pretty people coming in looking as if they were there to have a cocktail. I sighed, was only me a month ago. As I made my exit my big fear was bumping into him. Part of me wanted to tell him off but why bother? Why bother with talking to a wall? Then again, he is a successful, rich, white man and the world is his. I on the other hand am an almost someone. As we know almost doesn’t count.
I have been thinking of all the things I have done. When someone turned on PIX at a friend’s house I remembered being on there with Foxworthy. Then LAX at another friend’s house I was on there almost a year ago December doing promo. Oh and then Jody Applegate was there and I sang to her on Good Day NY. Oh and then I heard Elvis Duran on the radio and I was on his webshow with my puppets as the scary lady scaring Mr. Movie Phone’s son who never returned my calls. Then I walked past Betsey Johnson’s store and remembered delivering to her. Saw a poster for the Today show and remembered appearing on there. Not to mention Rachael Ray, performed on her show and met her. I got a nice gift card to a fancy restaurant in the city and went with my kid sis. But does anyone know my damn name? I sort of chuckled about that as I walked home in the sprinkle feeling as if I was going to die.
Maybe I give my famous quasi boyfriend too much credit. Here I was, Almost Famous, hoping to soak some of his rays of wisdom. He published six books to the one I am working to publish. He put on six successful one man shows to the one I sort of did a year ago. People tell me I am going to be a legend, at least my first year college writing TA did. Well this man is a legend, a Tony and Emmy winning legend. Then again these days he is more of a has been, a dick head and a moron. Still, part of me misses his energy. Part of me always loved being seen in his company. Then again, it always takes a man to make a woman remember what a no one she is.
At the end of it all he did turn out to be the prick everyone said he was. I guess maybe I didn’t see that side of him or didn’t want to. Sure I knew it was there but I wanted it to be different. It seemed different. When he did turn out the way everyone warned me that he would I wasn’t surprised, I was disappointed. In a way that hurts more than surprised because I treated him like a human being. Guess I will never do that again. On the other hand it’s amazing how quickly I made myself feel like a no one so I could wiggle into his shadow so effortlessly. It was like Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath minus the gas oven. Still there is a part of me that misses the chauffer rides, the fancy dinners, the laughter with friends, the knowing someone who knew all these people, the stories…..
Then again like the man I almost married he was either the sweetest man on the face of the planet or he was the devil. While I only got a glimpse of his dark side I can imagine. I know because I almost married the devil. There is nothing like fighting with a guy, having him go so beserk that he breaks a wine bottle and tries to dive on the remaining glass attempting to sever all of his arteries. Then when he decides to break out of that horror show he takes the remaining glass and tries to slit his wrists. All because I said I felt he was pushing me too fast. Oh and according to him my roommates were nosy for wanting to call the cops. Maybe this egomaniac was too much in love with himself to do any of that but I have been to hell. While Earth has it’s downside it sure beats hell. Tell Satan what’s up when you see him for me seriously. And tell him a washed up egomaniac on Earth is set to meet him in a few years, old fool.
As I am walking back from work, using every bone in my uninsured body to climb the stairs up four flights, I remember this old asshole had a lot of time to get his wings while I am young and still earning mine. He too had to start somewhere, all egomaniacs tend to forget that.
Maybe my existence is meager. Maybe my apartment is small and dirties easily. Maybe I struggle sometimes but I am making it to the finish.
Then I see Rihanna is the sexiest woman alive and I get depressed. To me she is just a titty shaking fat ass who would be working as a prostitute had she not had a decent singing voice. Maybe she will do us all a favor and find the crack pipe. I like her music. I am just feeling a tad jealous. Us almost famous folks do that sometimes. Who am I kidding? I would sleep with her.
My songs are getting internet radio airplay. Maybe lets shoot for mainstream radio next folks. Maybe I will even tell you about all the exciting things I do, like you care.
I am returning to standup tomorrow after almost a three month hiatus at the Mik Nik Lounge in Brooklyn. I feel so rusty but I think it will be fun. It will be a good excuse to get out and be with friends. Plus it will be a fun environment.
This Sunday tune into my show Confessions on YouNow from 8-10 pm on the talk channel.
Until then I am back to Earth. Back to humility. Trying to think of others more and myself less. Not sure how I am feeling about that.