I have recently started dating again. The crazy thing about men is that they don’t understand that there is life outside of them. Hell, the only life they want to experience is getting inside of you sometimes it seems. I know the game when it comes to men. They only want one thing and they think that they are the ones to give it to you. I don’t trust them. I will say it. It doesn’t make me a man hater. It doesn’t make me a feminazi. It makes me have a third of a half of a brain. I have lived a lot for my years on this planet and I can tell you from experience there are some evil people in this world, direct spawns of Satan. And it’s not just men I don’t trust. It’s women too. Trust is like money, it must be earned.
A few months ago I was out with a guy who felt just because he spent a few hundred dollars on me he should have gotten me into bed. I told him I didn’t move that fast with people. That’s when he starts telling me he knows I will change my mind and ride his motorcycle. I told him I didn’t move that fast with people because I have friends with people because of the disease factor. Suddenly it’s the whole, “I’m clean.” Thing. Oh sure, and I had friends hear the same claim before being stuck with HIV, the Christmas present we all remember and the gift that keeps on giving.
Of course then there was the blast from my past who showed up drugged out of his mind. He had to be oxyed the fuck out. Not only was he slurring his speech, but he looked bloated like Jim Morrison before the end of his life. I had known this person at a time in my life where the party just kept going it seemed. During that part of my life Jack Daniels and I could have been running buddies we knew each other so well. At the time this person seemed okay and we were pretty good friends. Then he shows up and we hung out and had coffee. That’s when he asked me the most suspicious question in the world, “Do you drink water?” Oh so you can slip me something G-Man? That’s when I lied and said I had to run. I never realized how creepy he was. Wowsa.
Then there is the potential sugar daddy, the dinosaur with attitude. Oh yes he is quite successful and is worth a few million dollars. While this is all true I actually enjoy his company. He is not only successful but sharp. Yes, I could talk to him for hours. While a little bit of an egomaniac he has his charm. However he blabs like a damn woman. Part of me knows if I had loose lips like his having the adventures that I have had I would be a corpse but then again men have it easy all the time now don’t they? They can live as long as they want and be as dumb as they want too. Anyway he keeps telling me that I can trust him. While he is almost there we are not quite there. Not to mention that he is now pressing me to come to his house and you know what. I don’t know if it is going to happen. Then again he has proposed it before and then always had to go home for bed time. Maybe he can’t close the deal. Either way, I was once charmed by him but now not so sure. And to top it off he thinks I should drop everything for him. Sorry Clarence, some of us in this world are still on our training wings and have to earn the realies so we can fly. Unless you are helping me earn my wings or helping me pay my rent you are going to have to take a number like the rest of the mutherfuckers out there.
Of course there are always the fucking people who claim to know people that can help me with my career. One dude I met in passing claims his son in law is a big agent. I have been without an agent for years. Anyway I should be expecting a call from his SIL. Ha ha. I have heard this a million times before. I bet you his SIL is the mailroom boy at this firm. Who knows? Either way, I am without representation and currently doing very well. I book work and have seen more TV time than my friends who are repped. So what I don’t have some fancy schamsy name behind me? I do well for myself. Bottom line, I know the game. Don’t treat me like I am stupid.
Then there are the people who claim to have big connections. One dude trying to worm his way into my crew claimed to be a successful child actor and even went so far as to insist that he was Chunk in Goonies. I looked it up on wiki. He was not Chunk in Goonies. Jeffrey Rush was. Then there is the other dude who claims he repped Sandra Bernhardt coming into my world. I don’t know if I believe him. Hell I don’t believe anyone anymore.
To top it off with the success I have seen this year I have witnessed some friends turn into enemies. Well they weren’t friends anyway. One actually went so far as to defend me a few years back when an ex of mine was stalking me online. I would see him in the neighborhood and we would be cool. Suddenly when some jealous bitch sent a tip into Gawker he was all over the site making up shit about me and decrying my TV appearance as ripping off a news network. I told the truth fair and square. I got more TV time than you will ever get in your sinking career so eat that. Then he went so far as to befriend this stalker ex. Well he showed me who he was, jealous fucks of a feather flock together. The other way I was walking in the neighborhood and this dumbass was brunching with a friend of his and he was throwing shade at me. Well I threw shade right back at him by pretending not to see him. Hey, I am too good to acknowledge his existence. Just letting him know.
Of course then there was one chick who has no talent whatsoever and looks like a treasure troll in drag. We used to be friendly from time to time and even shared a few cab rides home. However after I did a TV appearance suddenly she could barely say hello and one of her ugly friends and her were talking about me somewhere where I could hear them. I was like whatever bitches, I worked hard for this hate.
The worst was right after I was on Joy Behar I was at a comedy club I used to work at. I was hanging out and talking to people who had seen the show. Suddenly I saw someone who I was friends with at one point. While not so talented he was a nice dude. I thought I would get the big hello from him and the crew but instead they threw shade by not even looking at me. When did I become the asshole here? Either way there will come a time when they need something and I will not know them. Shade thrown.
My mom always said it best. “April, there are only two people you can trust in this world, your mother and Jesus.” Maybe she was right.
But I know one thing for sure. My Confessions Show debuts tomorrow on YouNow.com’s talk channel from 12-2. Anyone can broadcast from anywhere as long as they have a webcam. The audience can vote to keep you on or kick you off. Best confession wins a fifty dollar donation in your name to the charity of your choice. It is happening this Tuesday and every Tuesday thereon out. Here is the link to the video I made promoting the show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVZ05r2nAso
Maybe I have not yet earned my wings but I am well on my way xoxoxo April