Spooky Snowflakes

This year it is snowing on Halloween. It has been the first year it has snowed since The Civil War in NYC. And it snows on Halloween weekend. It will be a site to see all those slutty costumes in the snow. All those slutty ghostbuster hookersque gets ups complete with prostitute pumps trying to combat the slush. When the hell did Halloween, the day of the damned, become a festival for sex? Granted it is undead sex but still it is supposed to be scary. Then again in past years some of those fishnets look like the Nantucket Oyster Haul so nevermind.
I feel like I have been going crazy lately too. This past week I have just felt nuts. Part of it is that I do a weekly show on YouNow.com called Confessions. I love producing my show and I cannot say enough wonderful things about my younow family. I also love my regulars and I love writing bits. I love how people from all over the world call in.
However when I produce a show I don’t go half assed. Since I have been small I have dreamed of having my own talk show and being at the top of that field. I spent my teen years producing and hosting a cable access show. In my twenties I did standup and a lot of on camera stuff and about a year ago even co-hosted a show on Shovio. I got to work under the legendary Leslie Gold who as I always say taught me a lot. The host I worked with reassured me of what I didn’t want to be as far as a host went. Not to mention I became a good standup emcee and hosted a weekly open mic where comedians always felt welcome. Needless to say this is another step up the ladder therefore I want it to be good. I spend all week lining people up making sure they know to call in and when. I also spend the week planning my segments and who is coming on. I also maintain our fanpage and post on it every few hours. Then there is the scouting of the musical guests. On top of that I reassure everyone that just because the show is called Confessions does not mean you have to tell everyone that you had a Debbie Does Dallas weekend if you feel it would endanger your job working with children but rather you can share a joy or a dream with us too. Oh and then there is the technology. I want to do the best job for not only my fans but the site of YouNow.com itself. The worst part is, even when I do a good show there are a million things I could have done better. I know.
On top of that I have been promoting the costume contest ad nauseum. I have emailed people up the hilt about the Confessions costume and scary story contest. And then when I am on air I mention it. One of the old interns David who still keeps up with the site asked me, “So I heard you had a show on younow.” I told him yes and gave him the spiel. Then he said, “I know April, I was being sarcastic.” I had to take a breath. I just want a good turn out that’s all. Then again I was the girl who made the fifteen page outlines in high school. I am nuts. I will promote myself until I die.
On top of that I have been delivering a lot of singing telegrams. Yes, every day is Halloween for me kiddies. So you can dress up this weekend and give Mama some time off. Anyho, I did a telegram this week that was last, last minute. Luckily the girl liked it. Tonight I was a birthday cake showgirl to a strip. That was fun. While I was grateful for the work I was not grateful for the slush and rain. Plus it was cold. I was supposed to go to a friend’s Halloween party but when I got home from Queens I was soaked and so was my birthday cake show girl get up. Currently I am getting a bubble bath ready. But the telegrams are picking up which is not only nice for me but nice for you because it means the economy is recovering.
In between all that I have been booking guests on my show and you would be surprised at how many people cannot read directions. Then they just send you weird photos of themselves. Then you offer to give them a gig and some of these fools are a step away from the looney bin or freak show depending on the day or lack of medication and they tell you that you aren’t good enough for them. Either way, I wish I had a button on my keyboard that turned into a mallet so I could beat these fools.
When I am too tired to move I have been watching a lot of scary movies. Maybe that’s what’s been making me go crazy. About a year ago around this time I lost my friend Roger. We were not on speaking terms around the time he died. Roger was at one time one of the biggest pushers of crystal meth in the city and he was highly regarded in the LGBTQ ball subculture at one point. But unfortunately drugs made him a different person and we had a falling out over what he was doing and the choices he was making. This past week I thought I saw him on several different occasions crossing the street. By the Chanel glasses I could have sworn it was him. To boot my door was jammed earlier this week and one of Roger’s favorite tricks was screwing with people’s locks. I attribute it to my building being old and my head not being on straight.
Then last night I go to sleep and I get a visit from another dead friend Joe. I had gotten to know Joe in 2010 and Joe too had struggled with drug abuse as Roger had. However Joe was Roger’s polar opposite. He was more introspective, quiet, studious, and dedicated to a fault. Plus if you let Joe in your house you didn’t run the risk of getting anything stolen. Not to mention he was a talented artist, set dresser and a personal shopper. While Roger would put you down with a snap Joe was more like a dad or a big brother, his words were pointed and chosen and he would most certainly let you know you were being an idiot. I had rightfully been on the receiving end when he was alive a few times and I knew it was because he cared. Plus he got me to write my book. Anyway in my dream last night he appeared to me and told me that I needed to slow down or else I was going to have a melt down. And that I was not to go to bed at three in the morning anymore but rather at normal time and I was to eat sensibly. Joe also told me he was well rested and at peace which made me feel good. He was his usual Joe self and that’s why I had that “Holy shit” feeling when I woke up. Who knows? Maybe it was a visit from my dead friend or maybe it was my subconscious? Either way, it was good advice and I actually took it today.
Today was the crux of creepy when I got four hang up calls from a blocked number. I don’t know who it could be. But dead friends and horror movies make this a creepy climax. The ex who did that trick has long since moved on whether he has wanted to or not. And from the looks of it is doing okay. I don’t begrudge this guy and hope life is treating him well, he had never had a break before. Of course it’s not the whacky ambassadors son from this summer. He’s found a new woman too. Then it’s most definitely not my famous quasi-boyfriend. When he calls under a blocked number he wants to hear himself talk. I don’t think it’s his love child and disgruntled baby mama. They seem to have found other people to needle. So the mystery remains……(Insert Spooky sound).
Either way tune into Confessions on YouNow.com this Sunday from 8-10 pm EST. Best Costume and best Scary Story both win fifty dollars. See you there. Xo April

Confessions Contest

Hello everyone, April Brucker here. Host of Confessions on YouNow.com. This Sunday from 8-10 PM EST we are holding a contest on the show for best scary story and best Halloween Costume. Best Story and Best Costume both win fifty dollars. Sure it may not sound like a lot but sometimes fifty dollars feeds me for an entire week. So I want to hear your scarefessions and see your costumes. All you need is a webcam. Also, show us some love on facebook. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Confessions/127192550719508

Hope to see you all there xoxox April

A Seperate Peace

I recently have been delving back into standup and it has been a weird experience. Not good, not bad, just different coming back. There was a time in my life where I would live and die by the punchline of the joke and the audience reaction. Now I find myself not resenting the art form, not embracing it, but rather not really caring.

About a week ago I did a show in Brooklyn for a small crowd and I found I did an up and down set but didn’t care. I had fun chilling with them afterward and they told me about a roommate of theirs who was trying to be a comedian at one point. Then I did another small show where I actually killed because I was riffing. It was good for my self esteem. It showed me perhaps I still had it. Then I did a show last night for the kids at FIT. It was the end of a long night and they had been there for several hours. By the time they got me they were pleasant, but they wanted to go home. It was a good show, but I felt as if I could have done better. A lot of me knows what I am capable of doing and that’s why it killed me. But there was this nagging voice, “You could have done better.”

It was nice seeing people that I hadnt seen in a while. The weird thing about not being in the clubs is that you don’t see people or meet people in the circuit. But it was good seeing Amy Beckerman who put the event together and it was a successful night. It was fun meeting her dog Porkchop and having Porkchop meet May…..

I have come to a sort of a separate peace with standup. I am not one of the cool kids who hangs out and effortlessly gets spots at Carolines. I will never be the top of the heap and win the “respect” of my peer group. The things that get me attention onstage are my willingness to be different and do anything. I am not known as a good writer or will probably never be saluted as a comics comic. I am a prop act, the most abhorrent in their opinion. I don’t make friends with the “right people” nor will I ever. I don’t have enough chips on my shoulder to be a “good comic.”

However at the same time I have stopped giving a shit about making friends with the right people. While the politics give me a headache I don’t care about getting an effortless spot at Carolines because I am friends with the right people. I don’t even care about the “respect” of my peer group. About a year ago I received more TV air time than any of them will in their entire careers. Fuck being the comics comic, no one ever knows the name of the comics comic. Hell I left that mindset in the dust long ago. I want to be famous. Shoot me for having ambition. When is the last time someone stopped you for a fan photo?

At the same time I still want to be a good comic and want to do what it takes in order to get that respect. I want to be one of the cool kids and sometimes even want to placate to them. Maybe I should talk about boring stuff or go on about my period like a lot of other female comedians. Did I say I was at a weird place? Yeah, I am honest. At least I have that going for me in this game. And maybe I will never be rated as one of the best comedians or one of the best female comedians but I no longer find myself caring. I don’t freaking know. Weird place…

On the other hand, things have been popping with the talk show. Last week at one point we had as many as two hundred people watching in our chat. I have been devoting all my time and energy on that as well as my advice column to the exclusion of all other things. I book guests, dream up new themes, host, and manage my peeps in my house. Sure it is work hosting people every week but it gives me an excuse to clean. Someone once told me that when something is a struggle it means you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s your will and not the universe’s will for you. And this, for as hard as it is to get off the ground, seems to be as smooth as butter.

I actually find I am a good host. I keep things moving a long and treat my guests with kindness as I keep everyone laughing. I am much better at that than I ever was as a standup and truth be told, I am okay with it. A few months ago when I left standup altogether I lamented it was a waste of time. My mom pointed out that it wasn’t a waste of time at all and that if I hadnt spent the time and energy I did in the clubs the doors wouldn’t have opened the way they did and I wouldn’t be hosting the talk show that I am now. Rather standup was a springboard not the final destination. Did I mention my mom is the smartest woman I know?

The people at YouNow are pleased with what I am doing as far as the show goes and how things are coming together. Yes I am not rolling in the dough but this past year I have seen glimpses of financial security. Things are starting to come together and for me the talk show is the next right thing. I feel like I am moving in a positive direction and keeping the momentum going rather than letting my puppet children and myself die the slow, painful death a reality TV star could.

At this point it looks like I am meant to host this talk show and do the standup as a means to stretch myself and make myself visible rather than to make that my ultimate destination. I like the talk show, I like the prospect of publishing a book, and I like making music. These things are coming easy to me. The standup never did.

They say the universe tells you where you are meant to be and maybe I have seen the light. Maybe the light is the talk show and maybe I have given the standup dream the ultimate light. Sure I will take the stage time when given it but I am not scrapping for it anymore. Did I think I would be saying this when I was twenty four, living hand to mouth, sleeping in my clothes because I got home late for a set, and spending every weekend on the road? Hell no. But I am saying it now.

Meet April Brucker: Talk Show Host, Actress, Ventriloquist, Comedian, Author, Singer and Advice Columnist. Did I forget happy and successful person? Love April

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Confessions/127192550719508

Mama Foxx's Mail Bag

Dear Mama Foxxx,

I am a seventeen year old senior in high school. I am the captain of the football and track team as well as an honors student. A lot of my guy friends play sports too. The thing is, they all talk about the girls they are having sex with. I don’t know how these guys are doing it. The worst part is, these guys speak about these women like they are pieces of meat which is ultra disrespectful. I don’t know how they are doing it. The other day they questioned me about my sex life and I told them it was none of their business and they made fun of me. What’s wrong with me? Should I be a bigger pig? How are these guys scoring and I’m not. Help! Signed, Sleeping Alone

Dear Sleeping Alone,

You want to wonder how these guys are getting some? The answer is in their dreams. It’s like fiction, the more a guy brags about who he has sex with the less likely it is happening, unless his girlfriends are named Jill and Palmela. And you are right to have your stomach turn. Young, ignorant, inexperienced guys can be highly disrespectful. And the next time they question you about your sex life and make fun of you tell them, “Well it is none of your business, but since you ask I do date and sleep with real women. Then again, you wouldn’t know about that since you go to Fun World in order to buy your dates.” Needless to say that will shut those young squires up. And the only reason they are doing this anyway is because they want to be Bravo when meanwhile they are more like Beavis and Butthead. Another thing, a guy like you is rare: smart, athletic and wants to treat a girl well. Keep that up Prince Charming and your black book will be breaking the binder while these morons will look on in envy. Love Mama Foxxx

                                                     

Dear Mama Foxxx,

I have seen you on TV and have followed your career and am a fan. You have the courage to be yourself no matter what the hell anyone says which is beautiful. Much like you I am an artist. I write. My stories are bursting out of my notebooks but I am afraid to follow my dream. I want to write more than anything in the world but am afraid of rejection. What do I do? Signed Writer’s Block

Dear Writer’s Block,

Thank you for your sweet letter. It is always an honor and a privilege to hear from fans. My advice to you is for one, keep writing. When one is truly a writer or an artist of any sort they cannot help themselves but they must do or they will wilt up and die. It is important you keep writing. Second, submit for publication. Whether it be a school newspaper, a local gazette or magazine, submit your work. The worst they could do is say no. While rejection is scary it goes with the process of being creative and can make you a stronger person. And from each rejection we learn. I only got the courage to be myself but getting rejected time and time again. The truth is, people will love your work or they might not. The only way to know is to send it out. And if they ultimately reject it ask for feedback. It might just help you become a better writer. Also, see if there are any writing classes or workshops being offered at your school or in your town. That way you can possibly find a mentor in a teacher and meet others with the same goals and fears in order to find support. It takes a special person to be a writer and the journey of an artist is extraordinary. Good luck to you. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,

I am dating the most perfect wonderful girl in the world. She is pretty and smart but the problem is, she comes with a past. When I say past she is twenty years old and has slept with thirty guys. She has been a good girlfriend to me thus far but I have trouble believing she is going to be loyal and every time I am with her I feel like I am competing with every man she ever slept with. What is worse is that sometimes we are out and when she says hi to a guy I worry that they slept together at one point. And my friends make jokes about her being a slut and I always have to defend her. Last week I even punched one out. I love her, I really do. But I don’t know if I can deal with a girl who comes with a past. Help me please! Sloppy Seconds

Dear Sloppy Seconds,

I want to start this letter by saying shame on you! Why is it when a guy sleeps with a lot of women he is a Mack Daddy but when a girl exhibits that sort of same sexual fearlessness she is a slut? Answer, it’s called social double standard and you are buying into it. You say she is the most wonderful girl in the world. It must mean you love her. That is why you need to put her past behind the both of you. When women behave that way it’s not because they are sluts it is because their self esteem is low because men like yourself have either hurt them, abused them, or treated them shiteously. So if you love her stop making it an issue! And it doesn’t matter who she was with the fact of the matter is she is loyal and loves you now. That is what you should concentrate on. Clearly who she was and who she is now are two different people. And so she says hi to guys she knows. It means she has good manners. Maybe you should learn a few Mr. I Punch My Friends Out. The fact you believe she slept with every guy she says hi to is in your insecure, male, ego dick driven head! And our friends are a reflection of who we are and your friends sound like asshole dickheads. Tell them they better start respecting your woman or they have to go. But then again it seems you folks all settle things truck driver style. After reading your letter I want to let you know that not only does she seem to good for you, but I bet you have your fair share of notches on the bed post. Perhaps my smack upside the head will wise you up, you will learn to act right and salvage this relationship with a woman you care for because sir at some point or other we all come with a past. When casting a play in hell we do not have angels as actors. Learn to man up and accept everyone comes with some sort of bullet wound or battle scar or you will have a very lonely life you self righteous, hypocritical piece of shit. YIKES! Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,

I am currently twenty one years old and was involved with a man for two years who would verbally insult me and routinely hit me. The relationship ended badly and resulted in me getting a restraining order. You would think that makes it better but it doesn’t. I am afraid to date again and am afraid to trust people. I also wear running shoes wherever I go so I can make a sprint out the door in case he shows up. I want to return to the world of the living again but don’t know how. I watched you on TV and have heard you speak about this on the radio. Help me please. Signed, Basketcase

Dear Basketcase,

Wow, I just want to start this letter by saying I applaud you for having the courage to write me and tell me your story. Since my TV appearance I have gotten dozens of letters from young women like yourself. Let me tell you I know the feelings you are feeling all too well. However I also want to tell you that in this world there are no victims there are only volunteers, and you are volunteering to be a victim. People can only push you as far as you let them, and you are letting this man’s memory haunt you to the point that you cannot live life like a normal person. Normal people go out with friends, date, and don’t wear sneakers so they can sprint from a psycho ex but I am sure you know that. Have you thought about seeking counseling? That way you can talk about your nightmarish experience and get coping strategies for the anxiety this relationship caused you. In addition you can also work on the self esteem issues that brought you to this man and look at the relationship patterns so history does not continue to repeat itself. Seeking help does not make you weak but in fact makes you strong because it means you are facing your problem. As for the dating again, there is no law saying you have to rush into that. Perhaps you need some you time, that way you can learn to love yourself and therefore attract someone positive who can return the favor without physical violence and a barrage of verbal insults. And remember when you want to hide from the world that this man is no longer a part of your life and he can only get as much power as you give him, and it is your choice whether you allow him to haunt you or not. Therefore get out of the house and go to the movies or the bowling alley with some friends. While it might seem like climbing Mount Everest it is a start. Lastly, I know from experience this is all easier said than done. It takes time so be gentle with yourself. Best of luck on your journey towards healing and happiness. Love, Mama Foxxx

Pleasantly Surprised

As you all know I host my own show on YouNow.com called Confessions. Last night I invited a friend of mine on who recently went through a gender transition and is now an F to M. Translated, when he was born a biological woman but always identified as a man. I asked Shai to do the show to add a little depth to things. Thus far the show has been a lot of tawdry sex stories and I wanted to mix it up by giving someone who truly had something to say a true platform. And that person would be Shai.

To give you a little background on my friendship with Shai I knew him when he was living as a woman. I remember him being unhappy as he struggled finding himself. I remember him also suffering with bouts of severe depression. During that point in our friendship I would worry about him. I knew him to be a butch lesbian at the time though and thought perhaps he, well rather she at this point, was going through a rough spot. It was however when he came out as trans and asked to be referred to as male pronouns that it all clicked. The word trans has only entered our vocabulary in the last decade or so and even still we are struggling to understand it. I do believe nature makes mistakes and unfortunately sometimes people can be born in the wrong body.

Over the past year I had seen Shai transform into a strapping young man. As I witnessed this I thought perhaps I should make my show a platform for some activism. That’s when I asked him to be on.

Truth be told after I asked I felt a flinch in my stomach. Being the Mama Foxxx of Confessions I know we get people from all over in the chat on YouNow. While Adi Sideman and company are good about manning it, it just takes one moron to make someone feel unwelcome forever. I was ready to play Ninja though. The way my chat works is that there is no racism, anti-Semitism, homophobia, transphobia, or weightism of any kind. If I see that the person is reported and they are banned. But with the advent of a trans-person what would the reaction be? Would there be an onslaught of this? I was prepared.

When Shai came on his mic wasn’t working. It looked like they were going to vote him off. Oh no, this was already going to be a disaster. However once the mic began working Shai started talking. That’s when the people in the chat pleasantly surprised me. They asked intelligent questions about Shai’s transition as well as his taking of testosterone as well as the surgery required to reassign one’s gender. In addition they also wanted to know more about Shai’s life and skills. Very confidently, in a deep male voice, he informed them that he could beat box and rap. He rapped a little for us, told us about his welding and his parakeet sat on his shoulder the entire time. The audience responded in turn with love and support not only for his bravery to tell his story but for his courage to be himself. I was pleasantly surprised at this. Not only was I proud of my friend Shai for finding happiness and taking perhaps one of the biggest risks one can take to do it, but also for my friends and fans on the younow chat for being supportive, inquisitive, respectful and tolerant. I would have to say I was so pleasantly surprised I almost cried. And even better the audience not only did not want Shai to go but they want him back every week!

My only regret was having to bump him out after a while. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to hear more about his new life or transition which were very fascinating but unfortunately there were five more people waiting to go live, I had started late, and as host it is unfortunately my job to keep things moving. And unfortunately that means being the bad guy. But if any one of my broadcasters took a risk last night it was Shai, and he taught us all a little something about what it truly takes to be brave.

This morning I kept thinking why I was drawn so much to activism and giving people like Shai a platform to do it. The answer was, not only was I bullied as a child but also went through the nightmare of an abusive relationship as an adult. And the reason I am so sympathetic to LGBTQ causes is that the friends who got me through that time in my life were mostly gay. They cooked for me, did my hair, and gave me the smack in the head I needed. Because of those experiences not only don’t I like to see people bullied in any way but will give anyone a platform for any sort of activism, especially LGBTQ people.

I also thought about what a wonderful new network YouNow is. Adi Sideman and Robert Galinsky have gone out of their way to make it safe and welcoming for anyone of any walk of life, ethnic background, sexual orientation or faith. In essence perhaps we have created an internet utopia.

As for Shai, I am pleased to call you my friend and best of luck on your journey to becoming the man you always dreamed of being. You now have a new set of friends and family members at younow.com who want you to come back every week. Xo April

Confessions: The Story Behind My Web Show Thus Far

I host a webshow online called Confessions. I actually landed this web show through a sort of crazy set of circumstances. About a year and a half ago I was involved on a show with Shovio network. It was a tremendous opportunity. I got to work with Leslie Gold. As a boss she taught me a lot, especially about being a woman in broadcasting. I also got to work with Starr and Buckwild. While I never met Karith Foster and Abriola Abrams directly it was cool knowing I shared airspace with them. While I parted with my cohost, I had always wanted to host a show again.

Only a few months before I had maintained an advice column in a small rag in Key West. It was short lived because my publisher didn’t have it together. I got a lot of letters from LGBTQ people seeking advice. My reasoning was I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you what not to do from experience. Yes I know I am a publicity seeking trainwreck but I come about it honestly.

Then I got the opportunity to do the reality show and press tour with my puppet children last fall. I remember all the fan mail I got, and a lot of it being from young people. They talked about how they admired my courage to be myself and how I wasn’t knocked down no matter what. To me that was sort of sweet because truth be told that courage took a lot of pain to discover. I also got letters from young people, especially young women, who poured their hearts out about being with men who treated them badly and either how they got out or how they felt they deserved to be punching bags. Those letters broke my heart.

To give you a background I spoke on the show about being in an abusive relationship in my early twenties and how that crushed my spirit. I don’t blame him as much as I used to. A bad relationship is a two way street and I was young, inexperienced and going through a rough patch. However I found myself educating people about this. In between that I also found myself involved in some grass roots AIDS activism and safe sex education and championing those causes, partially because my friend Roger had been positive before he passed. In addition I also found myself involved in anti-bullying campaigns.

During this time my mother and I spoke about me being A-political as long as I was going to be visible and for the most part I am non-partisan in order to appease my fans. I am pro-gay rights, pro-choice, pro-marajuana legalization and very socially liberal. However I also believe criminals have too many rights in this country and I also champion the second amendment and believe the government should not be in the people’s business. I also believe we help out too many countries and we need to stop doing that and should fix ourselves. Yes I like Ron Paul. However the more of a platform I was given the more I was speaking about things closest to my heart. While I agree with my mother, I believe I was given this visibility for a reason. And that reason is not only to share my art but to educate people about the dangers of domestic violence and abusive relationships as well as to give a voice to those who face discrimination, such as those living with HIV/AIDS as well as anti-bullying awareness.

Around May of this year I became a part of the YouNow network. I started as a part of their test broadcasts which ran a few times a week. Originally it was me and my puppets. Then I expanded not just to my puppets but to funny little costumes. As I spent more time on there I also began to sing. Sure I had been a singing telegram delivery person for x amount of years but always still felt intimidated singing in front of people. However this past year I had branched out into music with the help of my friend Marcus Yi. What I noticed on the site though was the record number of young people. Being used to the NYC comedy scene I could be a little raw sometimes. However the young folks didn’t like that. They were fans of the puppets, the costumes and the less heavy things. After one broadcast where the language was foul and the subject was too political I got the infom that perhaps tailor it to the less sophisticated and more sensitive crowd. Right away I obliged. After all, at times they could take over the site.

In August of this year YouNow became a twenty four hour deal and I was on the site night and day it seemed. Sometimes the young folks and I got along, sometimes we butted heads. What I realized when we butted heads was that I was literally looking at myself in the mirror. While sometimes it was tempting to give these youngins the smackdown I had to remember they were still kids and once upon a time I was just as bad if not worse. Now the question remained, what example did I want to be to these kiddies?

 I also had people tuning in from all over the world. After a bunch of kids from Italy thought I was swearing at them when I was freestyling, it was an all out cyber war that night it seemed. It was one of those moments where it could have been internet blood shed or it could have been peace. Something in me chose peace and that’s when I flipped the script and did some comedy and sang for them. Because of this, the war abruptly ended and I got seven new subscribers to my youtube page. I had some detractors that I won over just by being myself. Either way, I was learning some hard and fast rules that while certain customs and art forms are lost in translation there is more than one way to the center of the Tootsie Roll pop.

Of course since the site was brand new there weren’t the moderators or measures to protect broadcasters from cyberbullies. I had my share because I was different. At first they depressed me but then I remembered I had been in an abusive relationship. This wasn’t nearly as bad. These idiots weren’t even showing their faces. I was being tested all over again it seemed. After the security measures were implemented and people could be banned this all stopped.

After that we launched as part of TechCrunch Disrupt where facebook was discovered. I was asked to be a part of the launch as someone broadcasting on the talk channel. I was psyched at the prospect of being part of something so groundbreaking. The site was featured on Discovery Channel Tech Week where my buddy J.Rilla was front and center. I remember being so excited. Things were coming together beautifully. Problem was, there wasn’t much traffic to the talk channel.

I chatted with Adi Sideman, the owner of the site on strategies of getting more traffic to the talk channel. That’s when I came up with my show Confessions. I would get people to call in via webcam and talk about whatever was going on with them. My friends Brad and Octavio as well as Roger always told me I would be a good talk show host. And I had always dreamed of having my own talk show. However my time with the man from hell in my early twenties had not only killed that dream but made me shelve it. It was only when I was twenty three and had a short lived relationship with a lawyer who demanded to know more about me than, “Hi, I’m April. My ex was a loser who treated me like crap.”

While I had spoken about this dream I never had the self esteem to follow through with it. It was only after a rough 2009 did I start producing my own talk show with May when she interviewed people and had celebrity guests. But that was on youtube. This was on an actual channel. I remember getting the opportunity and thinking, “WOW!”

But the Tuesday time slot didn’t make much sense so now I am at Sunday from 8-10 pm EST. Since the move the show dominates my life force. I spend waking moments dreaming up new comedy bits to keep it light, recruiting guests to keep it interesting, and letting people know they can call in. When I broadcast I tell people ad nauseum about my program. As a bonus I have a portion of the show where I answer my advice column live on the air. This show is different than the one I had on Shovio where my co-host sought to humiliate people. I don’t do that. Rather I want a safe and welcoming environment where people can drop their shit and laugh about life whatever may be going on. I want to be a host that lets people know they can laugh and love.

The crazy thing is, since Confessions I have found myself talking more about the relationship from hell in my early twenties. Tonight I found myself speaking about that phase in my life on the music channel after singing a song for what I intended to be a publicity spot. But if it weren’t for that I wouldn’t have the self esteem and self reliance that I have now, and I didnt realize that until these young folksdoing religious music, asked me how I felt about church. While I abhor crazed Jesus freaks I do try to go each week. I don't even know how it happened but I started talking about the fact I knew there was a God because I knew there was a devil and talked about how dark that portion of my life was and how my faith saved me. For the record, I don't testify a whole lot so that was surreal. Nonetheless, it was wonderful how despite their faith these young people were balanced and gave me support and love. I also realized there was a reason I was able to get out of that dark period in my life, and how I have come such a long way. And that is why it is important I be around for people to look up to.

I love the fact I have so many young fans on that network. I love the fact they fan me and know the names of my puppets and request puppets and gags. But I also want them to quote me as saying that I was the person who told them it wasn't okay for someone to bully them whether it was a mean girl or significant other. That I was the person who gave them the confidence to be themselves and to follow their dreams whatever those dreams may be. That I was the person who gave them a safe place to talk about what was going on with them, prodded them with a gentle challenge, and still kept them laughing because as well as a puppet mother I am a den mother. In addition, I love that Adi Sideman and Robert Galinsky make it a safe environment for the young folk which helps make my mission even easier.

Tonight as I did my bizarre impromptu testimony on the talk channel I realized these trials were in my life for a reason. My abusive relationship made me strong and gave me the ability to stand up and say no to a bully, no matter who they are. The fan mail from the reality show let me know people were watching me, I was reaching them, and that I had to continue to do so.

As for the lawyer ex, things didn’t end well and my head wasn’t in such a good place. I am sorry I was a little damaged. But I wanted to thank you because you got me to talk about a dream I had shelved never believing I would possess the power to make it come true.

So now this show is my life blood and I am probably making the people who run YouNow crazy. Never said I was sane people. But as I tell my mother it’s not the end it is only the beginning. And to make my dad happy I think I will get an alien abductee. I am still trying to recruit one.

Now that you heard me pour my heart out tune into Confessions on the YouNow network’s talk channel every Sunday night 8-10 pm EST. It’s where all the cool kids are. I invite you to get your webcam and to tell your story and to take the challenge. We will be waiting for you. Xo April

PS. Check out our facebook fan page and visit us there http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Confessions/127192550719508

UnPretty (TLC)

The other night I ended up going out with an old friend of mine. We had dinner which was what I needed. I actually don’t get to see Josh enough. He is one of the few straight, male friends I have that isn’t a comedian. Actually he’s one of my few straight male friends in general. Nonetheless it was good to see him again. He had been having a rough month being unemployed, having lost his uncle and then his cat. So the dinner was good for the both of us, plutonic friends out for a stroll.

We went on a walk after dinner and I ended up going to my place for a sweatshirt. It was a University of Pittsburgh zip up I had gotten for my birthday. As I ran downstairs I didn’t know how I felt about things getting cold. While I love the fall and live for it being a fall baby, October is a strange month for everyone. It’s Halloween and then of course it’s a sign Christmas is around the corner. Nonetheless I love the change of the leaves and the different colors they become as they fall to the ground.

When I got downstairs my friend Josh and I walked towards the Yotel. It’s this new bar of sorts by my house and sort of a mock hotel. I don’t get it. I just know my friend Marcus’s ex of sorts worked there until he partied his way out of the job. For the record Marcus has a new man who is much better for him. Anyway, Josh and I wanted to check it out so we went in. There was a bizarre robot there and apparently it was to store luggage. To me it looked completely useless.

We rode the elevator up to the bar area and on the elevator with us were girls who looked as if they crawled out of the perfectly packaged case at the Mattel store. The guys all looked gay or metro sexual. Of course they weren’t the kind of gay that would be friends with me. My gays more or less do the drag balls or work in high fashion. These guys looked like they were out of the J. Crew catalogue. Josh and I of course were in our sweatshirts and jeans. Looking at the girls in the designer clothes I felt the need to head to the nearest sports bar, order a Budweiser, crack some peanuts, and root for the Steelers.

We got to the bar itself and sat down on some cushions. The place actually looked pretty cheap. As I saw the girls walk by in their designer clothing and with their girly drinks that would probably be a breakfast favor for Amy Winehouse even dead I prayed for them to fall off their Jimmy Choo shoes. And the guys with them fawned over these plastic goddesses. It was like high school all over again. The insecurities were returning. I pictured myself some thirty pounds heavier with worse makeup than I have now. Of course there were all these skinny, pretty bitches rubbing it in that their lives were perfect. I tried to remind myself of every wonderful thing I had done in my life but it wasn’t working.

Looking at the plastics I wondered why I had left my Abercrombie and Fitch at home?  Better yet, where was my Malibu Dream Home when I needed it? While Josh was wonderful company, I should have chucked him and brought Ken. It was one of those moments of my life where I truly felt there was something wrong with me. Again I tried to remind myself of all my good points and accomplishments but one thing remained, these Cinderellas were ready for the ball and I looked like I was on my way to do the laundry. I tried to remember I had been on TV, was about to publish a book, had several projects in the works, hung out with celebrities and not to mention recently had dinner with someone who won both a Tony and an Emmy. But nevermind, I wasn’t plastic. I had a burger and fries for dinner, a food group a plastic would never stomach.

Josh and I joked about this and wondered if our lives would be easier if we were shallow. We agreed they would. After all, we wouldn’t care as much. At the same time we wouldn’t have the friends we had, friends who had been to jail. Instead they would have probably robbed us. Still the feelings from high school remained. How was it so easy for those plastics to look pretty and not care? Not to mention listen to a club mix that would have made Michael Alig kill Angel Melendez all over again. Yes it was that bad. Of course these kids probably all went to Vassar too, or a Sarah Lawrence or a place where people believe they did something important for four years.

Either way, when I got home that night I felt like the ugly, fat, fifteen year old kid all over again. I just remembered kids like that teasing me. They told me the ventriloquism was stupid. I would never get to New York. Then to make matters worse I saw a bitch I hate is doing well. That was the worst news of all. I found myself praying she got hit by a truck. Then I saw two friends of mine were doing well. These were two people who had always been kind to me. I found myself hoping that they failed on their quest for success which was mucho evil. Why the hell was I so pissed about the happiness of others?

I tried to remind myself yet again of all the wonderful things that had happened in my life and the wonderful things I had to look forward to. I now have a web talk show. I am on my way to publishing a book. I have a webseries I am a part of that may be getting picked up by a big web channel. I have another webseries I guest starred on that is launching and the host is a big freaking deal and a hero of mine. Not to mention I am covering a song produced by a relative of a Hollywood legend. And earlier this month I had dinner with a Tony and Emmy award winner. I am friends with Tony and Emmy award winners and Heisman winners.

Needless to say after watching some reruns of Unsolved Mysteries on Youtube I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning I woke up and went for my jog. As I was running it dawned on me. Sure the kids looked rich and shallow and dressed in labels in Yotel but I didn’t know them. Maybe if I would have spoken to them we would have gotten along. Maybe they had struggles of their own. Maybe, just maybe, they too were picked on in school. I didn’t know that or them. Maybe they detested the club music as much as I did. Of course there was the visit from the Green Eyed Monster. It was only right I be happy for some of these women because they had been happy and had always been kind to me. As for the one I didn’t like, well she can enjoy the break all she wants because she is fat and old. Sure it is a gig I would kill for, but I have had TV time she will never have. And I will continue to do so.

I thought of all the wonderful things I had done this year, was currently doing and realized not only is this the beginning but there is no need to be jealous of anyone. I am doing well myself and just need to focus on that. And the fact I am friends with people doing well means I have positive people in my life who are doing positive things and I should be flattered by the fact that not only do they congratulate me but want to keep my company. That’s what I would tell someone who writes me at my advice column (aprilbrucker@hotmail.com if you have a quiery)

I guess the crazy thing is, no matter how bad or good things are, we all are a little guilty of drawing the big old less than sign in our direction in the equation. God does an attack of low self esteem suck the big one. Maybe I should talk about this on my web talk show, Confessions, on younow.com every Sunday night from 8-10 pm EST on younow.com. Love April

More Superfox's Mail Bag

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am a college guy. I have a girlfriend who is still friends with her ex. This wouldn't be such a big deal but he posts on her facebook wall every day. We go to different colleges in the same town and last weekend she backed out on a date with me because she said she had to study. Turns out he came to town to visit. The only reason I know this is because my best friend spotted them. When I confronted her she didn't deny it but said she lied because I would freak out. Then she told her friends I had a jealousy problem. I don't know what to do. I really love her and she is really pretty.
Signed,
Young Buck in Love

Dear Young Buck in Love,
Dump her like a load of dog shit now.
Sounds like Little Miss Trick likes to play games and she is keeping her options open. That is why she is letting this young man post on her facebook wall as often as he does and that is why she is lying through her teeth. And I also think that there are probably other men. If it happens once, you know it happens twice. That is why I would get myself tested pronto, even if you were using a condom. Also, you have every right to be angry. She LIED TO YOU. But congrats young squire, you are learning a hard and fast lesson. Women, just like men, can be duplicious liars. And so what she is pretty? Seems like she likes to play games with people which means deep down she is pretty ugly. Stick with her and not only will the beauty fade but you will be stuck with an old crone. Lastly, you are young and you are in college. There are lots of young women who not only look good but will treat you with dignity and respect and won't play games. That's what you deserve. You should settle for nothing less. xoxoxo Mama Foxxx


Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am currently fourteen years old. My seventeen year old sister announced to the family she is pregnant and she is keeping the baby. Kids at school are calling my sister a slut. We grew up learning to say no to sex. And now look at what she does. I am having a hard time stomaching the shame she is giving our family.
Signed,
Sister of Seventeen and Pregnant

Dear Sister of Seventeen and Pregnant,
There is nothing good about what your sister is going through. However what is done is done. Right now, more than anything, she needs a friend. And she needs a friend in you. The world is armed and dangerous with their verbal stones ready to pass judgement. You need to start sticking up for your sister and remind these harpies who have something to say that those who live in glass whorehouses should not throw stones. Your religious and spiritual values may not condone having premarital sex nor a child out of wedlock, but the Bible also speaks about aiding those who are down and those who are in need. And your sister is in that posistion. The odds are against her so if you want to help with baby mama stop being a baby and act right. No matter what, the arrival of a child, no matter how adverse the circumstances, should be a joyous occasion. This baby did not ask to be a possible cast member of Teen Mom therefore this is your chance to show everyone what an adult you are by being a good and understanding aunt. Family may not always make us proud. Their decisions, or lack thereof, may not always make us smile. But they are the only people we have in this world and therefore we must back them and stand up for them no matter what the rest of the world says. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear Mama Foxxx,
I am currently dating a guy who has a kid. He is a good dad and I am growing attached to his little boy who spends every weekend with him. However, he hates the kid's mother. They had his son, who is now four, when they were sixteen. To make matters worse the kid's mother wants to meet me to see what kind of person I am. I don't want to meet her. I just keep hearing what a bad mother she is. Why is she being so unfair? Signed, No Thanks Baby Mama

Dear No Thanks Baby Mama,
When your man didn't use a condom at the age of sixteen and popped out a child with this woman, he signed on to deal with her for a lifetime. And being his current squeeze you signed on to this drama bi-proxy. Unfortuately, I am siding with Baby Mama here. She isn't being unfair in wanting to see who her little man is spending time with. Actually, I think she is being a good mother. Being that she has shared custody of the child and doesn't have him on weekends, she knows he is out of her sight but he is not out of her mind. Translated, although she doesnt have anything to do physically with Baby Daddy she wants to make sure you are a quality person who is having a good influence on her child. This means womaning up and meeting her. Translated again: Bathe, don't swear, don't smoke and for the love of God don't show up intoxicated. When she sees you are an okay person she won't have a problem with her child spending time with you. You have to understand that as long as this man and child are going to be a part of your life you have to learn how to get along with this woman. She takes care of the kid during the week, she is the boss. He only gets the kid on the weekends. Not to mention the child did not ask for parents who are no longer together. Therefore the best solution is to learn to get along with this woman no matter what. Although this is not a family who is together, you can all learn how to act right towards each other for the benefit of this little boy who you all love and care for. Lastly, when your man bad mouth's his ex just remmeber, they met when they were sixteen and unlike all high school romances that just end with the two people looking back and rolling their eyes, they are stuck with a kid and therefore although they now differ as people they have to deal with each other. He picked her to have a kid with. He was complicit too. That being said when he bad mouths her be a part of the solution and say, "I'm sorry, I am not comfortable bad mouthing someone I don't know." And mention the little boy seems healthy and well cared for. If this seems hard to swallow remember this isn't just about you, you like this little boy. Remember his welfare. xoxoxo Mama Foxx

Mama Foxx's Mail Bag

Ask a Superfoxxx, my new advice column. Ask me here, read my response and then I will read and respond then on Confessions on YouNow.com's talk channel from 8-10 PM EST every Sunday night
xoxoxo
April

Dear Mama Foxxx,

I am sixteen years old and recently came out as gay. My stepfather is okay with this but my mother is going ballistic to the point where she throws things. I showed her RuPaul’s drag race so she would get an idea of what my life was like and she lost her mind. How do I make her homophobia fade?

Signed,

Gay and Confused

Dear Gay and Confused,

As a long time GLBTQ advocate I can tell you that if my child came out and told me RuPaul’s drag race would be what his life was like I would lose my damn mind. Frankly, my head would explode. Your mother is not homophobic in the least. She wants to see you well adjusted and happy no matter who you chose to date. That being said, take her to an event at your local gay and lesbian center. Introduce her to your friends who are doing well there. Show her that you are on the track to being a well adjusted person who can hold down a job and pay his bills and not tell strangers about his mangina. Also hold off on the drag culture until she gets used to the idea of you being gay. Congrats on having the courage to be yourself in a world that isn’t always so welcoming and good for you for knowing you were born this way. Good luck on your journey.

Love

April

Dear Mama Foxxx's,

My love life is in the toilet.  I just want to find a nice guy who will treat me like a queen.  Is that too much to as for?  I am 28 and have been in a string of relationships and I am looking to find a man that I can click with and become best friends and lovers with.  Then eventually husband and wife and parents.  But, I feel the dating scene  is so challenging.  I joined a dating website and constantly get guys who ask me sex questions the second I start chatting with me.  I want something lasting after the sheets get messed up!

What can I do?

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

By what I am reading and what you are telling me it seems like you are doing what is whoring yourself out for love. You are sleeping with these guys right away and being surprised when Prince Charming magically disappears. Truth be told, most men are on their best behavior until they sleep with you. Until one hits the sheets with you, they are on their best behavior. They are willing to wine and dine because they want 69. However, I would tell you one thing. WAIT TO SLEEP WITH THEM. That way you can have something to build on. A house built on cement is more likely to stand than a house built on mud. As for the dating site’s what are you putting on your profile to let these guys know it is okay to talk to you this way? These guys aren’t being sleazy on their own. You are letting them know it’s okay to say sexually explicit things to you and ask you these questions. Maybe change the wording on your profile saying you are looking for a life mate. That scares most sleazy guys looking to hit and run away. Lastly, you are only twenty eight. It’s not like it’s time to move to the Isle of White with six cats because you haven’t found a man. Ask yourself why you are so desperate to find love? What about loving yourself first? When a woman seems independent and not in need of a guy she seems much more sexy. Lastly, good for you for knowing what you want. And also, know before you find a prince you must kiss a lot of frogs and learn a lot of painful lessons. But now that you know what you want, don’t go to the China shop settling for anything less. Love Mama Foxxx

Dear April,

I am seeing a girl who is absolutely lovely. I love her and she is currently in her second year of law school. The problem is, her sister. This woman has been to rehab six times, jail twice, and has two kids to two different men. To make matters worse she brings her latest beau from the local jail to my gf’s family gatherings. And my gf feels bad for her big sis so sometimes she lets her come on dates. I hate this woman. Signed, I Hate My Future Sister in Law

Dear I Hate My Future Sister in Law,

WOW! I want to say you can pick your lovers but you can’t pick your loved ones. Unfortunately you are going to have to learn to get along with this trainwreck. Sure you may want to smack her in the head but you have to learn to grin and bear, illegitimate children and all. This means holding your tongue and even being nice to her degenerates. I have family members like this myself and it is tough, however, they come with the package and your gf isn’t going to side with you if you diss her. Also, your potential sister in law, I hate to say it, is not a bad person. Rather she is very sick. She has the disease of addiction. That is why she does the drugs, tests the legal system, is in and out of rehab, dates men who probably beat her up and otherwise does not have her shit together. Until there is divine intervention or the universe kicks her in the backside, she will continue this way. Unfortunately it is very sad to see. For as tough as it is, you must accept that she is not evil but sick and you must have COMPASSION. This means treating her like a human being and not judging her. When you do this she will be easier to deal with. Lastly, you need to put up a boundary with your girlfriend. Bringing her sister on dates is not appropriate no matter how sorry she feels for the woman. Her codependency issues with her sister are her business and not yours. Rather the next time she does this explain, “Baby, this is my time with you. And when I go on a date with you I want it to be with you.” Translated, two’s company, threes a crowd. Good luck with your new dysfunctional potential inlaws/outlaws. Love Mama Foxxx

Called Home

After almost a three month hiatus from standup I stepped back onstage this past Thursday. I wasn’t planning on a return. After all, I went through several phases when it came to my relationship to the art form that I had developed sort of a love/hate thing for.
At the beginning of the year there was the post reality show withdrawl where I demanded better spots from a club I had earned a ton of money for. I revived a dead mic and even the club owner told the manager, “We must be very nice to her.” But then because I wasn’t around as much after getting paying spots and after getting the shaft time after time they fired me from my own mic without telling me. Not to mention the bottom dweller comics, mostly the whole NYC scene at certain times, slammed me online or would talk about me as soon as I leave the room. In the words of the Amish, I was shunned. Or the Jehovah’s Witnesses would have called it fellowshipping. Translated, they were forced to deal with me when they performed with me but then wouldn’t seek me out outside of the club the way they used to. Or better yet, some clubs didn’t even open the door to me citing I didn’t have TV credits. I wanted to tell those morons I saw more TV time in one swoop than most of their regulars had in years let alone their whole careers. So translated, I was slowly moving out of it, putting it on the backburner.
Then there was the phase where I wasn’t hosting the mic, wasn’t doing business with my old club and for the most part was actually still doing shows. I cut down from the five or six I used to do a week and the weekends on the road to only doing two to three spots a week. While there was a general isolation and alienation from the community I didn’t care. I was actually enjoying being out of the drama and doing comedy for the sake of doing comedy. During that period I made some friends who were higher on the comedy food chain and were well respected. I also put away some decent sets. I booked shows where not only was I getting paid but I was doing well with national headliners. I was becoming a master of difficult crowds just by being myself. Despite my disgust with the politics of the art form I was starting to enjoy just being onstage again. Plus everywhere I went it seemed someone had seen me on TV and wanted a picture. It wasn’t all bad.
For a while there I started to get back into it again. While I didn’t pound the mics the way I once did, not caring that I actually saw money from comedy, I was starting to show my face again. I was starting to graciously accept that this art form is growth. That it takes a lot of time for someone to accept the respect allotted to them. That very few people make it. But it didn’t matter to me. However I was snubbed when it came to invites to audition for certain festivals and other things. It didn’t just bother me, it left me more sore than ever. In my heart I felt that if I were perhaps a weird looking alternative guy with a beard or the ethnic flavor of the week my journey would not be so downhill.
After that was the up and down phase where I would either do really well or tank out. Part of it was that I stopped caring whether or not crowds liked me. As a younger performer I would have broken my neck to make sure everyone enjoyed my set. I would have worked with a crowd. But at this phase if the crowd didn’t feel me fuck em. That’s how I felt. I had done a little TV time and was starting to do other things. Standup ceased to be the focus. There was no money or chance for exposure anyway. So little by little the club dates started to slip away. I started doing more internet stuff. And then gradually I just stopped chasing it.
At first I was angry about being kicked in the face when I had spent so many night barking in the rain for producers who were significantly less talented than I was. Or getting the snub from female comedians who felt they were superior when their punchlines about being fat and ugly were not only inferior but hack. I told myself there would be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow as I charmed audience after audience and won over the toughest of crowds. Sure I wowed them, I shut them all up, and I probably wasted my time. When asked about it I would just go off and feel angry afterward. Then I would sort of feel sad. But I was part of a web network, making vids that got considerable traffic, did several magazine spreads, had songs playing on the radio and made a movie. I didn’t need to be in the basement.
Then something magical happened. I found myself ceasing to care anymore. I was in the midst of the beginnings of my book publication. I was wrapped up in the official launch of YouNow and would perform sometimes up to eight hours live a day online. So it’s not like I was just making videos and not caring. Truth be told I found myself so removed from standup and began focusing on music, not because I wanted to win a Grammy but wanted to reach my fans. I almost wanted to stop labeling myself a comedian. I wanted to be a ventriloquist and maybe an actress. But I was sick of the pressure of having to be funny. Plus being a reality star was much more fun.
Then another magical thing happened. I started dating a comedy legend. Sure he was old enough to be my grandfather but I was open to adventure. I wasn’t even trying to advance my career. Hell I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do comedy anymore. I was up for another reality show that didn’t happen and just recorded another song. I was also on my way, and still am, to publishing my book. But I was like what the heck? However he seemed interested in my comedy. I didn’t want to tell him much. I am a reality star armed and dangerous with her puppet children struggling not to fade. He is a legend who won a Tony and an Emmy. But he told me he wanted to see me work. Meanwhile I was doing most of my stuff online and he didn’t own a computer. Then he asked me something crazy, “You afraid you might not be so hot?”
I didn’t know what to say. Was I supposed to tell someone who was a freaking genius who remembered every joke he ever wrote word for word that I was so burnt out I hadnt written in months? And these were decades of jokes. For the most part when I webcasted these routines were off the top of my head. I wasn’t like him. Plus I never let the guys I date see me perform live no matter who they are. The job of Mr. April Brucker, even if he is Jesus Christ, is to please me and then fade away like a good dirty little secret. Actually instead I just blurted out, “NO, NEVER!”
Even after it ended between us, and it didn’t last very long, not even a love child, I wondered why the hell he had been dropped into my life. Had it been the usual April doesn’t date successful men and when she does she feels like an inferior fool trapped beneath their shadow grappling like Sylvia Plath trying to get out of a self imposed prison? I didn’t know. Instead I did what I normally did, blogged about my angst and dissed him on my webshow. Then something strange happened. When I was doing my webshow my friend Nate Mitchell asked me to do his show in Brooklyn. I found myself saying yes. I went to do the show and it wasn’t crowded. Normally it wouldn’t have been a good thing but actually for me it was. I hadnt been onstage in a while and found myself getting the jitters. I actually found myself rusty in the way I dealt with the audience. Maybe it was because I had been sick. I also forgot one of my punchlines, not smooth, but then there were other parts of the set where I was able to roll with it. While it was a smaller crowd they were alright. I found myself getting my feet wet and somewhat curious to do more standup.
On the other hand I found myself actually bored of my old material. For starters I just felt like I am tired about talking about certain things. I want to write more but I don’t know what. I don’t even know if I want to write in a group. I actually hate writing groups but suddenly I want to know should I be in one? Should I be doing a one woman show? I found myself not knowing.
Then something weird happened. The next day like clockwork two people asked me to perform in their shows, and then a third. It’s like the live show dates are starting to pour in. I don’t know what to say or do except maybe consider writing new material and getting onstage more. Actually that is the next right action. I am being forced back onstage and to write more.
I would love to say I feel excited about performing live again and the prospect of being onstage but I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I just feel blank. Maybe it’s because the spark is gone and it is gone forever. Maybe it is because I don’t feel a part of and feel out of my element. Maybe it’s because I need something exciting to make me excited about writing again. Or maybe it’s because I have been around one too many times and am too jaded when it comes to the politics of standup. Maybe it’s because I know it is less about being funny and more about being either a male with a beard or the ethnic group in demand. On the other hand I am not unhappy about it. A tad unsure but I don’t know. Either way it looks like the universe is giving me a direction. I might as well take it.
But if you aren’t doing anything this Sunday and every Sunday from 8-10 pm EST on YouNow.com I host a show called Confessions. So if you have a burning desire to confess something deep and dark come on. Best Confession wins a fifty dollar donation to the charity of their choice. So share your smut, save the world. Love April

Princess Dropped to Earth

This past week has been something else. I am as sick as a fucking dog for starters. My bones hurt, I haven’t been to the gym in a while and I feel like cutting a bitch. Just have been on the Nyquil sleep program and eating enough chicken soup where I swear to God my post teenaged soul is cleansed. The worst part is I have been working like a dog too. Nevermind I am sick. Rest is for the weary.

Yesterday I managed to clean up long enough to host my show on YouNow called Confessions on the talk channel. I had a mini Confessions party over my house. I at one point logged out of the cue to log my friend on and well, we accidentally lost two hundred viewers because a rerun was playing. I got some shit for that. They are moving the show to Sunday night between eight and ten. I think the time slot will be better. Either way I felt drained after hosting, especially since my friend Devon broke my damn bed. Still it was a fun show and am looking forward to doing more weekly.

Today I worked a lot. I delivered two telegrams. They tipped me well on the one. The telegram deliveries are good. Means the economy is picking up. But it’s hard to sing and dance with a sore throat. My second delivery had a guy demasking me. It was a first. My second delivery landed me in sort of surreal land. I was at the Essex House, the place that I went on my first date with my celebrity quasi-boyfriend. Well I was supposed to go there before he changed his mind because he wanted privacy. I remember just sitting there waiting for him.

As I made the exit with the dark circles under my eyes I saw all the pretty people coming in looking as if they were there to have a cocktail. I sighed, was only me a month ago. As I made my exit my big fear was bumping into him. Part of me wanted to tell him off but why bother? Why bother with talking to a wall? Then again, he is a successful, rich, white man and the world is his. I on the other hand am an almost someone. As we know almost doesn’t count.

I have been thinking of all the things I have done. When someone turned on PIX at a friend’s house I remembered being on there with Foxworthy. Then LAX at another friend’s house I was on there almost a year ago December doing promo. Oh and then Jody Applegate was there and I sang to her on Good Day NY. Oh and then I heard Elvis Duran on the radio and I was on his webshow with my puppets as the scary lady scaring Mr. Movie Phone’s son who never returned my calls. Then I walked past Betsey Johnson’s store and remembered delivering to her. Saw a poster for the Today show and remembered appearing on there. Not to mention Rachael Ray, performed on her show and met her. I got a nice gift card to a fancy restaurant in the city and went with my kid sis. But does anyone know my damn name? I sort of chuckled about that as I walked home in the sprinkle feeling as if I was going to die.

Maybe I give my famous quasi boyfriend too much credit. Here I was, Almost Famous, hoping to soak some of his rays of wisdom. He published six books to the one I am working to publish. He put on six successful one man shows to the one I sort of did a year ago. People tell me I am going to be a legend, at least my first year college writing TA did. Well this man is a legend, a Tony and Emmy winning legend. Then again these days he is more of a has been, a dick head and a moron. Still, part of me misses his energy. Part of me always loved being seen in his company. Then again, it always takes a man to make a woman remember what a no one she is.

At the end of it all he did turn out to be the prick everyone said he was. I guess maybe I didn’t see that side of him or didn’t want to. Sure I knew it was there but I wanted it to be different. It seemed different. When he did turn out the way everyone warned me that he would I wasn’t surprised, I was disappointed. In a way that hurts more than surprised because I treated him like a human being. Guess I will never do that again. On the other hand it’s amazing how quickly I made myself feel like a no one so I could wiggle into his shadow so effortlessly. It was like Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath minus the gas oven. Still there is a part of me that misses the chauffer rides, the fancy dinners, the laughter with friends, the knowing someone who knew all these people, the stories…..

Then again like the man I almost married he was either the sweetest man on the face of the planet or he was the devil. While I only got a glimpse of his dark side I can imagine. I know because I almost married the devil. There is nothing like fighting with a guy, having him go so beserk that he breaks a wine bottle and tries to dive on the remaining glass attempting to sever all of his arteries. Then when he decides to break out of that horror show he takes the remaining glass and tries to slit his wrists. All because I said I felt he was pushing me too fast. Oh and according to him my roommates were nosy for wanting to call the cops. Maybe this egomaniac was too much in love with himself to do any of that but I have been to hell. While Earth has it’s downside it sure beats hell. Tell Satan what’s up when you see him for me seriously. And tell him a washed up egomaniac on Earth is set to meet him in a few years, old fool.

As I am walking back from work, using every bone in my uninsured body to climb the stairs up four flights, I remember this old asshole had a lot of time to get his wings while I am young and still earning mine. He too had to start somewhere, all egomaniacs tend to forget that.

Maybe my existence is meager. Maybe my apartment is small and dirties easily. Maybe I struggle sometimes but I am making it to the finish.

Then I see Rihanna is the sexiest woman alive and I get depressed. To me she is just a titty shaking fat ass who would be working as a prostitute had she not had a decent singing voice. Maybe she will do us all a favor and find the crack pipe. I like her music. I am just feeling a tad jealous. Us almost famous folks do that sometimes. Who am I kidding? I would sleep with her.

My songs are getting internet radio airplay. Maybe lets shoot for mainstream radio next folks. Maybe I will even tell you about all the exciting things I do, like you care.

I am returning to standup tomorrow after almost a three month hiatus at the Mik Nik Lounge in Brooklyn. I feel so rusty but I think it will be fun. It will be a good excuse to get out and be with friends. Plus it will be a fun environment.

This Sunday tune into my show Confessions on YouNow from 8-10 pm on the talk channel.

Until then I am back to Earth. Back to humility. Trying to think of others more and myself less. Not sure how I am feeling about that.

Pretty Wrapping Paper

About a month ago I started dating a guy old enough to be my grandfather. It wasn’t that I was looking for a sugar daddy. It just sort of happened one day when I was walking along. He is well known in my line of work and I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed his work and stuff. Next thing I know we are dating. It was all sort of random and sort of weird. Then again he made me laugh and a straight guy hasn’t been able to do that in some time. Plus since my friend Roger died a year ago I found myself dedicated to my career with very little time to socialize. Sure there was that fling over the summer but what of it? I decided what was the harm of a cup of coffee?

At first the idea of this guy was sort of repulsive. He was old and painted on his eyebrows. Not to mention he had a history as a womanizer back in the day. Oh and then there was that paternity scandal in the eighties and several woman who claimed several different things. It scared me, it really did. Plus according to the internet he was married but it was never confirmed. Sure I was jumping into a shark filled ocean. But what the heck, I wasn’t going to marry the guy, right?

On our first outing he surprised me by being sharp as a tack and liking the fact that I was well read. He didn’t strike me as the lady’s man that the gossip portrayed him as. Rather he was the opposite. He made me laugh harder than I had in some time and truth be told I walked away smiling. My entire adult life the men who have chased me have had criminal records, drug problems, mental health issues and were allergic to work. This guy was successful and he seemingly didn’t have any of these things. Part of me thought this had to be an accident, but then again, it was a refreshing accident.

Right away we played phone tag and he would leave me the funniest messages. He was a character and always honest which I appreciated. Part of me wanted to run into his arms and just abandon all despite the age difference and the bad press that followed him. The other part of me wanted to hold back. Something in my gut was saying run. A lot of me didn’t feel good enough to be associated with him because of everything I had been through and all the misadventures I have had. He went out of his way to assure me otherwise. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t who everyone claimed he was. Maybe the bad press was all just idle gossip.

I knew because he was as wealthy and important as he was he questioned my motives. My motives were pure for the record. He asked me about my financial situation and he asked if I was struggling. That’s when I countered by asking him if he needed a loan. That shut him up. Of course there was the fancy dinner where he invited his friends without giving me the heads up. I think he dropped them there to see if I was in fact the next Anna Nicole. Instead I hit it off with his friends who were much closer to my age. Unlike this fossil with attitude, who let me know how much money was always being spent on me, they owned cellphones and knew how to use computers. Heck, for the entire night we were a threesome. On the other hand he was the old man at the party. While it was a relief to him I passed the friend test he seemed the odd man out. Served him right.

Well the sex question hadnt come up and I wasn’t bringing it up. I was having a good time just going to dinner and dating. For once in my life I hoped to have someone different, something different. However soon he would prove he was the same as the rest of them, actually worse. As we got to know each other I told his old fool a little about my past. I figured he might as well know from me before someone from that period in my life gives him their own version of events. He seemed understanding and forgiving that one of my old boyfriends had at one time escaped from prison.

However soon he showed his real colors. That’s when he took it upon himself to start leaving creepy messages on my machine. One was, “I have been nice to you, when are you going to be nice to me?”

The next one he was hounding me to come to his apartment and move in with him, that way I could save myself money on rent. I thought maybe I was going crazy. This wasn’t the guy who had been taking me out.

Finally against my better judgment I went out with him yesterday. He kept calling me off the hook when meanwhile I had things to do but then again no one could be as busy as he is. Well I went out with him and in front of a crowded restaurant in lurid detail this octogenarian detailed all the things he wanted to do to be sexually. He informed me he wanted to “suck me for an hour” because he thought I would taste good and clean. Then after that he informed me he was getting hard in his underwear and he enjoyed anal sex and wanted to put it in my ass. I didn’t know whether to slap him or puke everywhere. Oh and it gets worse. He announced in front of his friends who were there that I wouldn’t sleep with him. I wanted to slap him but couldn’t move my hand. No, not just because I was shocked but because the vomit was very quickly coming up my throat and set to go everywhere.

The image was making me ill.  

Part of me felt insulted that he would feel the need to speak to me this way. Was it to impress me because he thought this was what turned me on because of all my bad boys? If that was the case I would still be with them. And unlike him the bad boys, especially the ones fresh out of prison, knew how to act right in front of a lady. Was it to seem young and hip? Well he looked like a dousche bag who would score as much as Beavis and Butthead.

The other half of me felt disgusted because he is old. I kept seeing that lizardesque, leather skin naked. Not to mention the teeth aren’t his and well, the hair is so badly dyed that it would have failed at any beauty school no matter how backwoods. That image naked is up there with the jungles of Saigon. Either way he invited me back to his place and then discovered his brother and sister in law were coming over, probably a cop out for the fact he couldn’t get it up.

But before he left he critiqued my ex’s on the fact they stole occasionally. He said as someone who grew up religious he could never steal. However this man could skip out on child support and talk down to women, interesting. But let it be known the chauvinist dead beat daddy never stole. He just rips down and rips off.

Truth be told I left feeling like shit. He thought in his mind because he was a rich, old Jewish man with a lot of money who lived in a luxury apartment and had a lot of success he would speak to me like a common hooker. Plus he was looking for any little kink in my armor because the weaker I was the more willing I would be to be the Barbie doll who traveled in his shadow. I will let it be known now I am no one’s Barbie doll and I travel in no man’s shadow. I think eventually it would have killed him to know I wasn’t about to be the subservient punch line to his sad existence so perhaps it is better we part ways now.

The other half of me left knowing all the stories about him were true. He was putting on any act he had to in order to get what he wanted from me. And that made it all the more easy to take his number out of my phone. I also thought about all the other women he had screwed over. I figured I could torture him but why? I could write a blog where I named his dirty old ass but why? It would make the mean bitch that manages him jump and scream and in the end it would just give the old fart free publicity. No, I was going to hit him where it hurts. I decided to have the better career. It worked with my wannabe comedian ex fiancé who thought he was Ike Turner, and it will work again with this old fool. Yes, the old fool who likes an intelligent woman until she upstages him and flings him on his horny old ass like he deserves.  Truth be told I am only a few breaks away from doing so therefore he better watch out.

I ended up going out with a friend and he ended up calling me, ordering me to meet him at the West Way Diner. He called me again at two in the morning waiting for me and called me a few more times. In between then and now my phone broke so I wouldn’t have his number anyway. Plus he calls from a blocked number. Either way this is all good because I am not tempted to call him back. I know this isn’t the last I have heard from him. An ego such as his could not fathom ever being rejected by a woman. After all he is the type where his dick runs his life and fucks him over every time. The funny thing is, he was amazed I made it as long as I did without a guy in my life. Truth be told it isn’t that hard when you meet a few like him.

Sure I will miss his friends, they were cool as hell. While I could keep him they are more this friends than mine. I will miss being chauffeured around by his driver. I will miss the fancy, free dinners. I will miss the crazy phone messages. But I will not miss his old ass. Someone who feels that they can treat women a certain way because they have money.  Reminds me a little of how Philip Markoff thought he could treat Julissa Brisman. So that’s when I remember legend is a fancy word for has been that people somehow can still stomach. And I will see that bitch at the beach because he is a washed up old fool. And like a bunch of sea shells out of the surf I will do what I always do, step on him.

Part of me wants to cave and pick up as he calls me off the hook. Then I remember he is nothing but an ugly present in pretty wrapping paper. Love April