Several years ago, on Valentine’s Day I received a the best
present ever. I got to be on television. It was my first live television
appearance ever. Of course I didn’t know it was a live show until I got there,
which was both exciting and scary. My boss Bruce wanted me to blast the company
all over Good Day NY, and dress in my cute heart costume. I was to sing to the
newscasters, and then go out and deliver.
The show filmed from 5:30-7:30 AM, and I had to be there
about 5 AM for hair and makeup to go on about 6. It sounds horrendously early and
it was. Welcome to the wonderful world of television. When I got there, I
remember alerting the security guard who looked peeved he was made to wake up
that early. He called someone down to get me. Arriving was a butch lesbian stage hand who had a stern,
businesslike look on her face. I had my heart costume in a laundry bag and was
holding it in my hand.
“I’ll take that.” She announced in an authoritative tone.
“It’s okay, I got it.” I told her. If you know me I am super
OCD about props and costumes and there was no way I was letting this stranger
touch it. Plus it was all of 5 pounds.
Grunting with a mix of distain and the believe that I was in
fact a moron, she snarled, “It’s a Union job.” With that, she snatched the
laundry bag from my hand. I stood there shocked. So far, I only had one cup of
coffee. This was something I needed three to deal with. The security guard gave
me a sympathetic glance. Up on the elevator we went.
As soon we got upstairs, I realized my escort was not being
difficult but rather carrying my things was part of her responsibility not only
as a stage hand, but also as a Union member. So instead of being an asshole
without adequate coffee, I decided to take the high road and apologized. She
said it was okay and didn’t show emotion either way. Still, I do think she
appreciated it. You always want to make friends with your crew. They are the
last people you want to piss off, EVER! Even though I was unaware of the Union
job, I was aware of that.
As I readied for my screen time, my hair and makeup was done
by this gay man who was in a bitchy mood because not only was it early, but he
had a busy morning. Bruce had suggested I look one way on television. This man
had other ideas. While Bruce knows his stuff, this man was quick to tell me that
would not fly on “his show.” Later, I learned he would tell people what they
should look like and what they should wear whether that individual liked it or
not.
Of course after I was waiting to go on, I began to talk to
the campaign manager of a Senator from Illinois named Barak Obama. I learned
that Mr. Obama was running for president and people were discounting him. Note:
That is how long ago this was. Anyway, his campaign manager was a very nice
man, and we were fast friends.
I went on in between stories to sing and perform for the
newscasters, and the whole appearance was fun. However, there were fireworks
behind the scenes. The hairdresser, king of his domain, kept stealing me to fix my hair and makeup.
In turn, the producer, a woman with a Type A Plus Plus personality freaked out
when she could not find me. She and the makeup artist screamed at each other as
a result. From what I understood, this was a normal day on the job and they
were friends in real life.
In between my turn on the air, the news team was covering an
exciting Valentine’s Day story. Of course, this was after my splits and
tumbling from my days as an acro dancer at Dance Connection. While I was
somewhat spry, I was not nearly as good as I used to be.
One newscaster, a perky Asian lady who’s name escapes me,
said, “The theme for Valentine’s Day is
safe sex and they are giving out New York condoms. The slogan is, ‘Getting
Some.’ What do you think of when you think of getting some?”
There was an awkward pause in the studio. The producer
looked like her head was about to explode. This was live TV with no editing,
and one wrong word or move could cost the station a few grand. This could go
real wrong real quick. Even as the hair and makeup man attempted to steal me for
another touch up, he glanced sympathetically in our direction. At that moment,
the poor news woman realized she had opened a door accidentally, and now the
battle ship could go down right quick.
Oh shit. It was early and had already been a long day. Now
things were about to get much worse. For what seemed to be a few seconds but
felt like an eternity, we all held our breath.
“Well, when I think of getting some, I think of getting some
sleep!” Said the nice looking, male, talking head who looked like the white
bread boy you would bring home to Mama. The rest of the team laughed, and the
energy of the place eased. That was a brilliant save. A smile crossed the
stressed out producers face. The make up dude shrugged. Barack Obama’s campaign
manager let out a muffled laugh. God bless television. God bless New York.
Later that day, I tackled a full break neck schedule of
telegram deliveries. Then I performed standup that evening with May Wilson. How
did I do it in those days without killing myself? The thought makes me tired.
How did I complete that day without dying of exhaustion? To answer your
question I got no action that night. None, zippo, nada.
Since that day, I have been on television several more
times. I have done a lot of shows, some scripted and some not. I have done a
lot of shoots, some live and others pre-recorded. Still, the memory makes me
laugh. Over time I have seen a lot and
that still is one of the best saves ever. End of discussion.
Lately I have been thinking of getting some. No, not sex.
Relax. Get your mind out of the gutter. It has been forever and a day since I
had a man though. Not that I would have time for one now. If I did what would I
do with him. “Hi Baby, I have a huge writing assignment. Could you clean my
apartment and cook me dinner?” Some dudes would be game for that.
Or, “Hey Baby, I am about to be on national television.
Could you go away so I can prep? Yes, you ca play poker with the boys. Or
better yet, you can cheat with that red head down at your hang out. It’s okay.
I need the stage time and moments alone to prep for the next two weeks. I ain’t
mad.”
Or, “Hey Baby, I never had an honest dude with a job before.
I don’t know what to do or say. Since I am used to guys who have been to jail,
can you just step in this cage? That way I know you won’t go anywhere.”
So far, I don’t have any takers. Who wudda thunk it?
But yes, I have been thinking of getting some, as in sleep. Since
last week I have been living inside a treadmill on a pressure cooker. The
workload has been insane. I have a photo shoot for this, a writing deadline for
that, I have to get my video ready for this one, and then I have to send paper
work to that one. There is always something to be done.
The upside is, much of this action is because years of hard
work and keeping a break neck schedule have paid off. While many of my peers
either were chasing the social life or gave up the dream to have a family, I
kept chugging. Now as a result doors are opening for me, and that is not an
accident. There can be a great many things said about me, but one thing no one
can argue with is I have a hell of a work ethic.
I am grateful for a lot that has happened this week. For
starters, I am performing as a part of the Guinness Book of World Records World’s
Longest Variety Show. I perform January 2nd at 11:4 PM at the
Metropolitan Room. (PLUG) Tony Danza is on that afternoon. We perform for four
days straight. I still have to decide what jokes I am doing. We had our photo
shoot this week. Then I got some good news on a writing project, but it
included a deadline which meant I was working all night. The next day I woke up
looking like someone who spent the night writing only to find out I was asked
to be on a local show. At first I passed. I was too tired and looked like the
camera and I weren’t going to be friends. However, they were paying me a decent
day rate and were up the street. I am glad I went. I got the best Christmas
present ever aka I got a Taft-Hartley into SAG-AFTRA. While I have been on TV a
bunch, I never joined the union because I wasn’t working on TV consistently
enough, and wanted the experience so I could book the jobs. Now I have it.
Of course then fans are ordering DVDs and I had to mail them
along with personalized photos. Add in I had to do some video stuff. Oh and I
had a full telegramming schedule. To say I am tired is the understatement of
the year. Friday was a decent delivery day though. I delivered to the IAB aka
the cops who investigate other cops. They were good people, and the guy I
delivered to is actually a published author as well. He has another book coming
out which is awesome. It was cool to meet one of my people. We are now twitter
friends. I cannot wait to read his work.
I did another delivery Friday where my brain was leaking and
I could barely complete a sentence. The dude I delivered to was cool, but the
contact did not tip. People get stingy with tips around holiday season. Still,
it was fine. I got paid. Whatever. Either way, afterwards, my poor little legs
were so exhausted they could barely carry me. Mind you even before the Guinness
Book photo shoot I had filmed for another TV show, did an animal benefit, and
attended the Heisman’s and had family in town not once but twice during this
whole time……that’s another story.
Either way, I am leaving to see my parents. Like most young
adults, it brings up a mixture of love but also anxiety and dread. However, I also
welcome the rest. I will be able to sleep in and I need it.
Of course my dad asked me when I will be releasing my next
book. While I am so exhausted and worn thin I hurt when I move, it is sweet
when your family dreams with you. My dad also asked if I am dating any dudes.
Before any of this can be done, mama needs a nap. So yeah, I
am getting some. Getting some sleep. And when I wake up, perhaps I will get
started on my next book. And in my dreams I will get lucky with a handsome
prince that loves puppets and is gainfully employed.
Xo
April
www.aprilbrucker.com
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