A few years ago, I hit what is known as a snag in life. After
ending things with a romantic partner who was emotionally abusive and
physically violent towards me, I found myself in a tail spin. I found myself in
an unscripted Lifetime Movie. To cope with the stress of an ex who wouldn’t let
go and ultimately getting a separate mailing address, I rededicated myself to
my art. Through it all, I leaned on my friends who were there for me. I
considered myself grateful to have what seemed to be their unwavering love and
undying support.
One friend in particular was very supportive. I will call
him Jeff. A close, plutonic friend, he was part of the larger group I ran with
at the time. The two of us were a closer pairing than a lot of the others. Jeff
and I had a similar sense of humor, and our guilty pleasure was old Beavis and
Butthead reruns. When we hung out, he would ask me what to say to the current
girl he was pursuing. We were Elaine and Jerry minus the previous romantic
history. My inner Teddy Ruxbin said, “We are going to be friends forever.”
While I pushed with the art, success did not come overnight.
As a matter of fact, it seemed like I was waiting for Godot. Some of it was
because of the nature of my particular art form, ventriloquism. Then there is
the factor that I am an artist who creates her own work. Finally, it was just
timing and the way I developed as a creative person. However, soon the tide
started to shift.
Opportunities presented themselves because I showed up for
my career but most importantly, for myself. I found myself working as a talking
head on a web network performing for young people all over the world with my
puppets. Despite a lifetime of wanting to try, I was now dabbling in music.
Some of my songs got internet radio airplay, and a cover I did was number one
on several online stations for weeks. I took the first steps at publishing what
turned out to be my first book. Paying my dues looked like it was starting to
pay off. All my friends were happy my life was starting to come together. That
is, except for Jeff.
When I posted updates on facebook, Jeff would leave a snarky
comment or two. At first I brushed it off. Jeff had been through a rough patch
losing his job, and then discovering his girlfriend was cheating on him. This
wouldn’t last. Jeff did it again. After
this happened several more times I wrote Jeff a facebook message telling him I
didn’t find his comments funny, but rather hurtful. I pride myself in having a
good sense of humor but this was just mean. Instead of apologizing, Jeff
snapped back telling me I was too sensitive and that I was getting a “big
head.”
I went cold on Jeff for about a month, figuring he had to
work out whatever he was going through. That is when he dropped me a line
wanting to know if I wanted to have coffee. I thought, “Why not?” I missed him
anyway. So we got together and talked like we never left off. Then he asked me
what I had been up to. In my naivite, I mentioned the new projects I was
working on. At that point, they were the front and center of my life. I thought
if the old Jeff was truly back he would be happy for me. Wrong. Jeff began to
rip into me telling me hated the “April Brucker superstar affect.” He then
proceeded to tell me my career was more imagined than real, and it’s not like
what I was doing would lead to anything. I sat stunned for a brief second
before my legs did the thinking. That is when I got up and left.
For days it nagged at me. Had I changed? Was I now an
arrogant wench of a girl? Later that week, as I was hanging out in my local
deli reading my newspaper and drinking my coffee, I posed my dilemma to my
neighborhood friends. For the most part, these are guys who work the high rises
on 10th Avenue. We click because they love football as much as I do.
I posed the question to my buddy Terrence, an elevator mechanic and closet book
junkie, who not only has traded books with me but read mine several times. When
I was done Terrence explained, “You have met what is known as a spirit
snatcher. Or as my mother used to call them, a wet blanket friend.”
Terrence explained that a wet blanket friend was someone who
was your friend when you were down, because it gave them a chance to be on top.
Therefore, they appeared to be a “good person,” and it also fulfilled their
need to be superior. However, now the tables were turned and I was no longer
down and out. Jeff had lost his footing, and now had to knock me down in order
to get it back. Terrence’s explaination made sense. While it hurt, it guided me
to the next right action. That is when I got home and blocked him online.
This experience taught me a lot about what friendship was.
While a friend is someone who is kind to you when life isnt, they are also kind
to you when times are good. I knew I deserved better than a bully as a romantic
partner, and now I deserve better than a bully as a friend. Self-respect is the
rent I pay for living in the house of self-esteem. Being ambitious, driven, and
successful only makes me a snob to losers. Cutting out a toxic friend is like
cutting out cancer, not only does it make you feel better but you live longer.
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