Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Forgive Them Father (Lauryn Hill)

I have spoken a lot about some drama that happened this week-some drug addict bitch throwing shade-and I will allude briefly to it again. Well not in the way you think. Truth is, the drama made me tired. It gave me stomach aches and made it hard for me to keep my food down. The only thing stopping me from disfiguring Horse Face was that she wasn't worth a felony charge. Hell I would have beat her brains in but in between the drug use and the dumb ass she she is to begin with I don't think it would have done much good. But I didn't because again she is not worth jail time.

At the same time this whole thing has made me grateful that the past is the past. That I am out of a circle of people who thrive on drama, so much so that it is all consuming offstage and when they get onstage they are flat, boring, and unmemorable. If these people put the same energy they did into their careers as they did to stirring shit they would be winning an Academy Award this Sunday. But alas, they are not. This is a circle of people where gossip isn't just a past time, it is an all the time. This is a group of people where no one can be trusted. They are your friends until you have what they want, then they throw you under a bus. Not to mention it's not just Horse Face, they all drink heavily and use copious amounts of drugs. Dealing with their negative attention seeking bullshit drained my energy and gave me a headache. It made me angry until I realized they did not deserve my anger. That would mean that they mattered.

Instead I am out of that group of people. I am no longer with an ex who lies and drinks on top of his psych meds. Horse Face can have that prize, backney and balding head. I am no longer a gossiping, jealous wannabe envious of the success of others and entitled that it should be my own when I do nothing about it. My energy goes into my art and into my work and one day I will win a Tony or an Emmy or an Oscar. Hell I may even host that damn show. My friends these days are my true friends, not friendemies who will turn at any second.

My life is much better now. I don't like drama offstage. It drains me. Not only does it show personal growth, but also is the mark that I am doing things with myself. I don't feed off of people's misery, and experiencing the jealousy I have in these past eighteen months I would never, ever want anyone to feel that way. I look at that whole circle, all those people, and I could laugh because they are so petty, stupid, and truly don't matter. But instead I feel a certain amount of pity because they don't know better and never will.

I know better though, and I know better than to be angry. Because when you argue with an idiot you get two idiots arguing. I remember my friend Chacho Vasquez once said it best, "People are in your past because you past them over. When you look back they are right where you left them, doing the same shit and even wearing the same bad clothes."

Chacho was correct. Monday he would have been thirty seven years old. I know his spirit was with me, guiding me, letting me to know to laugh this bitch and her drama off. To shake her like last season's fashions.

I am thankful and grateful that these people are a part of my past. They don't deserve to be a part of my present because they don't deserve my gifts. And they most certainly won't be a part of my future. But the little refresher was good. It reminded me that I don't like what I used to be and that I never want to go there again. Progress and growth, while painful, feel good. It is a reminder that we must keep moving towards the ball of light. It is a reminder that no one is worth getting the best of you.

That being said keep moving towards the light kids.

And as for those people, I ask God to forgive them cause they know not what they do. Poor ignorants do not know any better. And it must be painful to be that shallow, stupid, and limited in ever capacity.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback 877-Buy-Book, Amazon
EBook Kindle, Nook
Audiobook available in Spring 2013
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

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