Thursday, February 25, 2016

52 Lines About 26 Men

Inspired by 88 lines about 44 women by the nails, I had to. It's the alphabet with the names of the men I dated. While I tend to roast my exes, they were all actually special in their own way. The truth is, we all make this journey into the continuum of life, and we never know what the next stop is because we aren't supposed to go until we get there. So why not laugh a little.

A is for Anthony, I fell for you bad. I cried when it ended, because I missed your Park Avenue Pad.

B is for Brandon, my 8th grade crush. Who turned out to be a used car salesman and a great big lush.

C is for Craig, the European history buff that I met at the library one night. You weren’t a great kisser, but you were incredibly bright.

D is for Derek, who I met in the park. On the first date you confessed, you became a werewolf after dark.

E is for Evan, the one I almost missed. You were unremarkable and boring, so you almost got left off the list. 

F is for Frank, I would have given you my heart and soul for sale. The relationship ended when you didn’t tell me you were going to jail.

G is for George Washington, my lawyer ex with the president’s name. Unlike your honest namesake you constantly lied, but weren’t very good at keeping up your game.

H is for Harry, you were always so much fun. That is, until you decided to go to the bank and slipped them a note stating you had a gun.

I is for Igor, the name says it all. He was from Moldova, and was 7 feet fall.

J is for the man I thought I loved so named Joe. When we broke up, I wrote a country song telling him Hell No.

K is for Kevin, the arrogant bad tipper who invented a weird kind of sprocket. Made millions but lost it, during the pop of the stock market.

L is for Larry, you said we would be soul mates for life. The whole realization was shattered, when I got a call from your wife.

M is for Mike, he was handsome, Harvard educated, and perfect, so the story goes. Third date he confessed he got abducted by UFOs

N is for Nelson, a handsome man with quite a situation. He had a plan to overthrow the government, and one for world domination.

O is for Omar, I fell for him hard. Until I discovered he was homeless and needed a green card.

P is for Paul, who was a lot of fun. Things ended unfortunately, because he was a fugitive on the run.

Q is for Quince, who pursued me then went all ghost. Well he married a controlling wench, got fat, and shows that God and I hate the same things most.

R is for Rueben, my freshmen fling from my floor. When the school year ended and you moved, I didn’t see you anymore.

S is for Sean, my former fiancĂ© oh gee. He kind of gave me an ultimatum, “Your puppets or me.”

T is for Travis, with the sparkling blue eyes. The date ended weird when he said, “Hitler was one of the good guys.”

U is for Ucal, who’s parents named him that in hopes he would be great. Turned out he had no job, and made me pay for the date.

V is for Vince, the sexy activist who wanted to find a solution. Thought he stood me up, but turns out he was jailed for starting the revolution.

W is for William, who was also a writer. When I made him cry after a disagreement, it was revealed he wasn’t a fighter.

X is for Xander, a man I met at 14 in AOL chat. If you’ve experienced the internet, you know nothing good comes of that.

Y is for Yahweh, he legally changed it, not my fault. It was a little interesting dating a man who wanted to form his own cult.

Z is for Zach, who wanted to legally change his name to Zach attack. He ended up homeless, because unfortunately drugs are whack. 

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