Tuesday, February 23, 2016

10 Things To Remember After A Break Up

This is for all the ladies out there. Yes, the ones who are learning the hard way that break up suck, that men suck, and that love outright sucks. It sucks worse than a night of bad feminist poetry and interpretive dancing.

But here are ten things we all need to remember. 

1. A man is like a refrigerator. He can be replaced. When one goes away, you can find a new one. Go on the street. Look in a travel book. There are only a few billion in the world.

2. All men have the same equipment and do the same 2 tricks. Trust me, he wasn't doing much. 

3. It's a break up because it's broken. Don't try to win him back. He was just a dude and probably a total loser and wash out. That being said get off his lawn. No man is worth a felony charge. (And prison orange is probably not your color). 

4. Of course he is bad mouthing you. All men are sore losers, especially if they were dumped. Even if he wasn't dumped he is still calling you crazy. Men have to win at all costs. It's an ego thing that goes back to the penis. Yes, battleships are a metaphor for penis. If he calls you crazy, it means you were a bitch with a backbone.

5. Other women will try to drag you down, especially so called friends. They will claim you "don't see your role in things." These morons are either dateless, or when they are they are nothing but scrap metal for the boys and overall doormats who relish in any attention a loser gives. They are the reason my people cannot get advancement in this country. Not to mention that yes, it took two to make this all go bad, but it does not negate the fact he lied, cheated, and tried to get over. 

6. Get off the floor and do something with yourself. As in pursue that passion, take that class, make your life about anything other than the idiot you shared a bed with. The best revenge is doing well......and trust me, he and his idiot friends don't know much about that. 

7. He slept with someone else did he? Well let him sleep with her. Let him have all the fun he wants. When she sees riding a bus with Ray Charles driving, and the man is blind and dead mind you, is a better decision, then you can wave as they both crash and burn together. Don't wave, that means you care......oops.

8. Fight back by ignoring. Ignore all pathetic cries for attention. I had an ex attempt suicide by trying to drink laundry detergent. HE TRIED TO DRINK LAUNDRY DETERGENT TO GET MY ATTENTION! If he wanted my attention, he should have taken that detergent and did my laundry. Bottom line, replying means you care and trust me, that subhuman who was a mere Neanderthal and hardly your intellectual equal took too much of your energy already. Don't give him what he doesn't deserve. 

9. Maybe he was friends with every ex he had, aka his pussy on reserve. You put up with it as he shoved it in your face, subtly letting you know you weren't good enough. But now they can have him back, especially the waste of flesh who left all those comments on his facebook pictures. Yes, the one who waxed :). She can feel superior because you had her sloppy seconds, but you just regurgitated her dollar store, pre-digested rainbow meat back in her mouth. Hope she likes the taste. (And she can say all she wants about you, but she's the pathetic loser going for the crumbs from a worthless man. Just remember that). 

10. Be prepared to have his friends try to sleep with you. While you are down, remember you don't hate yourself that much. While he was cat shit, they are feline AIDS. 

To all the former Mr. April Brucker's...........I'm still going and you are still wishing you were Mr. April Brucker. 

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