Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Pele's Nightmare: A Recap

Yes, yesterday Brazil was defeated by the German soccer team. Actually, Brazil was not defeated. No Sir, no M'am. They were flattened. If I didn't know better I would have thought Germany was playing Poland. Yes, it was that bad. I kid you not. I was there.

Historically Poland is Germany's side piece. They never commit, fuck her over, and never return her phone calls. 

But anyway, enough about that and enough World War 2 humor. I couldn't help myself. It was so bad never have I seen the Brazilian people so mightily disrespected since the days of the conquistadors. Yeah, as in the natives are completely wiped out and the people cannot recover from their crushing defeat.

Yes it was that bad.....just like it was centuries ago. 

Brazil is a soccer powerhouse, and I thought they were going to give Germany a fight. Yeah, but they didn't. Germany scored 5 times in 11 minutes. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry watching this display. The German's were beating them like an abused red headed step child. While I was rooting for Germany because they play smart soccer, I felt bad for Brazil. It was like they had either given up on life or sent their pee wee squad. Their soccer team was just like their economy, third world and sucktacular.

Start asking God for help cause you don't got a prayer in hell, Mister.

The Brazilian fans were beside themselves. As a matter of fact, within twenty minutes of the game they were crying pitifully and melting down just like their team was. National Pride. Fuck that shit. Try national shame. Yes, I would be ashamed of these morons too. Where was the fight? Where was the effort? Did they party too hard at Carnival?

These men played so badly they made women and children cry. Shame, shame, shame.

The German's played well, but then again this game was easier than the girl who bangs the entire football team in high school.

My spirit animal Thomas Muller was the stand out of the game as usual. This man gets his head busted open, gets black eyes, and for the most part can't walk. Yet he is scoring most of the goals. Yeah, Brazil's lead scorer was out with injury. But injury doesn't stop Muller. Yes, he is a left over from an old experiment and has been genetically engineered. This is why he is so super human.

He only has one expression with his Wolverine DNA

As for Schweinsteiger, he was amazing as usual. Not to mention a total hottie. His job was easier than ever, and he was probably glad he could go home afterwards too. I never get tired of watching this hot dog weiner worst. He can jump in my bun anytime.

He can hit me with his Schweinsteiger any day. Muh muh muh

Of course my favorite is Ozil. I always love how he runs up and down the field, and his bug eyes just light up. I mean, they get real big. They literally do pop out of his head. Ozil is hysterical to watch. You know he was probably bully meat back in school. Still, Lil Bug Eyes is doing quite well for himself now. The love child of Peter Lorre and a half blood princess is supposedly dating a pop singer.

Father and son......
But for serious, Brazil really sucked yesterday. It was so bad Germany let them score a pity goal at the end. Did you see that? And they also didn't gloat, because how could you? It was like running a race against someone on crutches. That's not even the worst part. The Brazilian fans, so beside themselves, started cheering for Germany. It's like Rocky IV when the Russians started cheering for Rocky when Ivan Drago sucked. To the credit of Germany, they were kindly victors. They comforted the team after they were crushed so terribly.

Either way, this was just terrible. I am selling the story as a screenplay to Hollywood. It will be entitled Pele's nightmare. While I have not yet cast the project, the sound track will be the crying of Brazilian fans as their team tanks it on the field.

Sigh Mc Sigh Sigh. Today I will be covering the Argentina v. Netherlands game on Ranter. Follow my completely biased commentary by downloading it on iphone and Android. Toodles.

A silly image after such carnage and tragedy. 

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