I had a deep conversation with a fellow comedian online last
night. This dude has had a hell of a year. I would tell you but it means
putting his personal business out for the world to see and he is not in a place
where that would be good let alone helpful for him. Anyway, we were discussing
relationships and such via facebook chat where all good things happen. And then
the subject of love came up.
I don’t believe in love. I don’t think it is possible. I
think that humans should just be polyamorous creatures. It’s hard to be loyal
so why should we do it? Love always fades in the end. People always disappoint
us. Sex cheapens everything. Just have open relationships and then the cheating
factor is out the window.
The dude surprised me by saying he felt like he needed to
watch a Disney Movie after hanging out with me. He said that if it weren’t for
love life wouldn’t be worth it. Either this was a line to totally bait me, or
he is that much of a sucker. I teased him and told him to stop acting like such
a damn woman. I couldn’t tell what he was going for, Emo or Shakespeare. Either
way, it made me think. Maybe I am too cynical.
I thought of the two men I almost married. The psychotic fiancé
and I were so intense I thought it was love. It was really two self-centered
children who got high off of drama, conflict, and loved the attention it
brought them. When the ex stalked me when it ended it was about control, not
the fact he still loved me. I also spoke about it Friday when I was interviewed
on camera for a documentary. I thought if I gave up my ventriloquism for
someone who was emotionally and physically abusive he would change. Instead it
was a testament to my low self-worth, and that is what scares me the most to
look at. That I played a role.
The second time he had pretty outsides like a nice job and
he could have given me a nice life. I didn’t really like him. I just wanted to
live happily ever after. I was happy he didn’t call me a bitch, hit me, and
thrilled he had a job. He said he loved me but I never believed him. Maybe it’s
because I knew I wasn’t being honest. He spent lots of money on me. I treated
him like crap though. Then I found out he had a lying problem. It served me
right. I was so fixated on the externals I didn’t focus on what really
mattered.
For the most part these days I am happily single. I don’t even
think of love. My friends in relationships all seemingly want to jump into
traffic. And when they don’t whine about the fact their lover snores or
whatever, they are forced to give up their dreams to be baby making machines
from hell. And are they happy? I don’t know. They say they are but then they
tell me how they wish they had my life. I am broke a lot of the time. I do my
own home repairs. I sleep alone. As a result I follow my dreams and am starting
to have an inkling of a career. That is why it pisses me off when my coupled
friends and rels try to fix me up, as if I am some sad, bizarre charity case.
On the other hand, sometimes I see couples walking hand and
hand. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me, tell me it is alright just like
the womanizing friend in Wedding Crashers. As I get older too I wonder if I
will die alone. It’s weird. Sometimes I just want someone. I want to believe
love exits.
Then when I get a boyfriend I want to strangle him for being
human. I want to yell at him for not being perfect. I berate him for not saying
the right thing or getting my script in the mail. And then I get bored when I
realize he has needs and can’t always be about me. Oh and I will end up hating
his friends. And then if he snores I hate him more. Then I want to smother him
with the pillow. As I look around my room and see my costumes and puppets I
think I am better off with them.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
www.aprilbrucker.com
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
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