Friday, November 22, 2013

Maniac (Michael Sembello)

I am a self admitted control freak. My ex boyfriends will tell you horror stories. Maybe this is why I like puppets. I know what is going to happen the second I stick my hand in. I know what they are going to say. I know I am going to like what comes out of their mouth. Notice I start every sentence with I.

Lately things have been crazy. My big audition is DONE. I haven't done a shitty open mic in almost a week. The crazy thing is I did so much to get ready for this special thing. I ran around and was onstage for as many as three times a night. I practiced in front of my mirror. All to do my thing, hear thank you, and know that I won't know for the next few months. They were nice. It's the nature of the game. I am someone who wants to know now though. I know there are so many factors as to why one does and doesn't get things. They say be undeniably funny. Trust me, they can still deny you. They can deny you because of age, race, gender, or whatever else. Funny doesn't mean jack shit. I am slowly letting go of it, but it's almost as if I have fallen on the pavement from another planet. I have run around like a chicken to get ready, squawking about how I had to do stuff, and now it's over. Finito. I want to use my magic eight ball to get the answer. I want to analyze their reaction. I want to read into everything that was said and wasn't said. I want to make myself crazy.

On top of that I am working on another project. I can't say too much about it but it's with a company I like. There is much to be done and we have been in this spot before. I have been doing everything I can to get it right. This past week I kinda did something that made me a hero there. I want this thing to go so badly. I almost killed myself doing this thing. It took two days and a bunch of texts. I am so worried this thing won't happen. I won't die just my pride. We are working so hard and life isn't fair. Don't remind us please. Still, there is much to be done and we haven't yet scratched the surface. I just want everything to go right and everyone to do what they are supposed to do. I know I can't control them but I want to. Why can't people just be puppets?

Then there are some other projects that I am doing. Some people can't get back to me until after Christmas because of their schedule. Some are sidetracked for whatever reason. Some just move at their own pace and I want to scream. The worst is that they all then turn around like it is my fault when they don't get what they want and I move on. Whatever.

I have no idea what is next for me. Lots of doors are opening which is good. One is bound to have a nice room. Still the doors are not opening fast enough. I have never had anything handed to me. I am not one of those comics who has just had a career handed to them because of my gender, race, or whatever else. I have been denied and fuck it I have been funny. I am a semi-star having been recognized from time to time but in my heart I am worried of that semi-star fading. As I said I have no idea what is next. I should be excited but instead I am scared. What if I bust my ass and I don't get any of the things I am going for? It is a risk we run I suppose. We all risk dying in obscurity. Or maybe I can wear a dress and a crown and rant about how I was once almost a star like a fucking loser? Wait I have a puppet that does that. Nevermind.

I really don't sleep. When I do I just wake up tired. I haven't been eating well. Maybe that will work out because female comedians are supposed to be fat and ugly to be successful. I lost my keys twice and almost broke my arm knocking my door open twice that was deadbolted. I need a bone and I need a break.I am at the end of my rope.

I know it will be fine. I need to let go, relax, and stop being such a damn basketcase. I just need to let go. I am afraid that if I turn my back it will break. However, maybe letting go will be a good thing. Cause right now this shit has my bloody claw marks all over it.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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