Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Empty Cans

It is always amazing to me how the people who have the least to say are always using their mouth muscles. In my life and time idiots seemingly babble on for what seems like a record amount of time. However they manage to say absolutely nothing. The awesome thing about an idiot is that they will make themselves an expert on just about anything too.

In my career I have been told that May Wilson needs to be Chinese and talk with an Asian accent. They claim it will be funnier. Yes, making my puppet racist for no reason will make her funnier. Thank you. Another killer suggestion I got was to ugly myself up onstage. This was from an idiot male comedian who claimed my sexy attire was distracting him. Note, I have not seen him since. After that comes the genius who suggested I have a Dali puppet in my act. OK, whatever. Oh and then there was the family member who shall remain nameless whom insisted I should take a joke book with jokes by famous comedians and use them onstage myself because they work. Aside from steal material and being branded a joke thief and never getting booked anywhere ever, that was brilliant advice. Thank you for sharing.

Then there are those who want to chime in when you see any sort of success in your life. There are male headliners who haven't done anything in years who insist if I weren't a "cute woman with a doll" that I wouldn't get the things I get. Of course then there are the women who decry the way I dress and act as if I am playing unfair. Okay sugar, rant on Gawker. Don't work on your act. That hurts you and only you alone, baby cakes. Oh and there are the idiots who say stupid shit at open mics when they find out you have been on TV. One imbecile found out I was on The Today Show. After talking he asked, "So what are you doing now? That was totally a year ago. It doesn't look like much." Well asshole, I just wanted to sharpen up because I WROTE  A BOOK. DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU READ.

Idiots from the past are the best empty cans of all. A week ago someone who I was very kind to once upon a time wrote something scathing on one of my youtube videos. I stood up for this hack when he was drinking away his career because I liked him as a person. His commentary was not only fueled out of jealousy but just plain stupid. I was hurt because he had been so cruel when I had gotten him a gig he ultimately fucked up. However I wanted to write, "How long did it take you to compose this paragraph you fucking washed up drunken ungrateful hack of a person?" But I didn't. Instead I took a shower.

Speaking of idiots last night I was at an open mic where there was feedback. This is always a place for the biggest moron to show their stupidity. So I decided to break out a new puppet. No one important was there. Moron of the year raises his hand and says, "I don't know if the puppet is a good idea." I thanked him for his feedback and moved on. He tried to talk more and I cut him off. The shit for brains host really wasn't controlling the feedback. Then some other moron was like, "It's a feedback mic." I said it was, however I had the floor and the job of the room was to critique the jokes and not the comic. The rest of the session was okay. I felt like telling this moron that while his feedback was wonderful, there were several television shows that I have been on that would respectfully disagree as well as several well known producers. Then I remembered shilling out money is the only way he gets onstage. I, on the other hand, have featured, headlined, and have been on national television. The closest he will ever get to my career is watching me in his living room.

My mom consoled me and told me there were people who took her exercise class once and would give her teaching tips. Or better yet, they only took one other exercise class once and now they were an authority on fitness. My mom is a good sport about it, and she knows her stuff having taught for almost forty years. However, if it were me I would tell them that just because they stopped frequenting the bakery as much a few days ago and just saw an exercise bike didnt make them Jane Fonda. But what would be the use?

Stupid people are amazing. They vote. They write. They talk. And boy do they talk. Aye aye aye.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

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