Friday, December 23, 2011

Inappropriate Christmas Note

Dear Friends and Family,
This year has been wonderful for the family. For starters I am getting better from having the probes removed from the back of my skull. After the aliens abducted from me I lost my job because I was absent from work but rest assured I am starting to feel better. I vomit less. However I popped out an alien baby with flippers for fingers and toes suddenly. We didn’t know what to think of the whole thing so we named him Luke Skywalker. We are telling everyone he is an adoptee from a church in West Virginia.
My husband Frank has been great. We have been going to counseling. He shows his love by only using the c word three times a day and only beats me with a closed fist now. I think we are making progress. He put a light display on our trailer which is so cute! He said it was the least he could do with the welfare and food stamps we have been collecting.
My son Derk is doing wonderfully. He is working part time as a lab test subject. We say, “So what he can’t pee on his own and glows in the dark this is the best job he has ever had!” Derk met a girl Susie at the test clinic and the two had a child Blake. Blake unfortunately was born with Downs Syndrome. Susie was upset about having a special needs baby but I told her when Blake got old enough he could share the play cage with Luke Skywalker. Alien baby, mongoloid, no one would ever know the difference. We are all God’s children.
My daughter Darlene quit her job at the Toot-n-Scoot after my abduction. Instead now she works at the local massage parlor/whorehouse. At first her father and I were not please because we raised her going to the Land’s End Full Bible Church but also because she promised to keep the promise ring on. However she surprised us all by being promoted to head hooker. Unfortunately her boyfriend Blade escaped from prison and she went on the lamb with him. We didn’t know where they were until we got a Christmas card from Mexico. While we love Blade and the way he treats our daughter we saw his photo on America’s Most Wanted and there is a generous reward. We are calling the Crime-800 number. Sure it’s wrong but Frank wants those new rims for his car.
Frank Jr. has now become Francine. While Frank is not sure about the sex change I welcome it. Finally I can have a real daughter and unlike the screw up hooker in Mexico. That's when Francine told me it could be worse, Darlene could be having a black baby. Oh she was right my Francine.
Our dog Biscuit is fat and useless as ever.
Anyway, may the joy of the season and the Lord Jesus Christ the Almighty and Heavenly Savior be with you this Christmas.
The Bunner Family

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