Blog Log

Today started out kind of strange. I got a text from the friend things got sort of complicated with. Basically when things got complicated he welcomed the idea of a relationship and I wanted to run the other way. I had been through the ringer, that was my excuse. There was the psychotic ex fiancé that perhaps has damaged my perception when it comes to love forever. However, my buddy had his own share of heartbreak and heart ache, one which included a nasty battle with his ex wife over his little boy. He should have been more scared than I was but he wasn’t.

Before the break in occurred, I hadn’t viewed this friend as nothing more than a friend. We joked and laughed because he worked as a promoter and we knew all the same people. To me it seemed he was a lady’s man and perhaps liked the trashiest girls. I remember looking at the picture of this girl he had intrigued and possibly slept with. I half smiled and didn’t want to touch his iphone screen for fear I would get a strange disease. I told him I could never be slutty enough for him in a joking manner. It seems this friend had other thoughts.

Sure there were a lot of indicators that he was bad for me. A lot of markers that our life choices didn’t match up. A lot of people telling me to run like the wind in the other direction.

But for once in my twenty seven years I didn’t feel like I was going to be alone forever. I felt like when he told me he cared me meant it. When he said sweet things he meant those too. They weren’t just lines from some dead beat trying to achieve some shallow goal of physical satisfaction. Then again most guys in my experience are deadbeats. Whether they are lying about the rock n roll superstardom they never had, concealing children they don’t acknowledge let alone support, have a rightfully angry baby mama, or are just abusive pricks that refuse to work. This guy was none of these things. If anything he told me too much of the truth. He admitted to his children. Yes he had a rightfully angry baby mama but there are always two sides to that story. He was far from being an abusive prick. If anything I started to believe my heart wouldn’t be this icebox, permanently frozen and impenetrable to any man who came my way. Not to mention he was proud of me for the things I did.

We all know that would have never lasted with Ross, Mr. Dead Beat Daddy GED Automechanic Reprobate. He would have been embarrassed when I was smarter than him in front of his friends which was bound to happen because Ross wasn’t all that bright.

My mom says a lot can be said about a guys kiss and his kisses were the sweetest I had ever had. I also got to see I was wrong about this dude. He wasn’t a lady’s man. Maybe I wanted him to be. That way it would be easier to run from the idea of a relationship.

And that’s exactly what I did, I ran. I ran far away. I don’t even know why I run. I just do. Perhaps it was being rejected at twenty by the man I really wanted to love me who possessed the nice penthouse apartment. Maybe it was the abusive, mentally ill ex fiancé that I had whom I still have nightmares about. Sure it could have been the lawyer who lied so much and so often that he forgot the truth. What about the crazed quasi-boyfriend who wanted to spend every second of every day with me suffocating and smothering me? Then there was the other quasi-boyfriend, the famous legend much older. I liked it but it wasn’t real. However this friend that things got complicated with was my confidant that weekend.

While I want true love every time I enter a relationship I feel like a prisoner wanting to break out of a steel cage in a maximum security facility. They let me in and I just want to escape. I scared off the guy when I was twenty by bragging about all the bad boys who wanted me. Of course then I tried to break up with the ex fiancé every time I could but he kept luring me back with his games. Then the lawyer, all I did was cheat on him the entire time and no I don’t feel bad. He was lucky I gave his balding ass the time of day. As for the quasi-boyfriends, just disappeared on them. I figured they had lied and cheated their share of women. It was my turn to be Captain Kharma. Love don’t live here anymore bitches.

But this guy was different. He made me believe it could be different even if it was for an instant, like there could be a happily ever after where I wasn’t trying to leap out of the male designed, chauvinistic plated ivory tower that imprisoned. For once it seemed like the both of us would be equal partners in an adventure of love and togetherness, not watch April chase after another man who doesn’t care. Or watch April get with a guy who pretends to think that it’s great that she loves to write, loves her puppets and even knows obscure facts about obscure things. Then she outdoes him, outsmarts him and then it’s all over.

He’s schtooping some slut with breast implants and says it’s because she knows how to express herself and that I don’t. And when I call him on his cheating lying ways well, he’s defensive. Then again they all cheat and lie. What else is new?

On to happier things. I am doing my show this week on the Monday after Christmas. My little poppyseeds have given me so much to be thankful for this year.  They always amaze me with their spunk, creativity, and sometimes serve as guiding lights in my often foggy life. They are very funny and always make me laugh. The thing we lose with adulthood is the ability to truly be honest. I am instating a poppyseed of the week as part of my blog. To earn it my little poppyseeds must do extraordinary things to be featured.

I also got some cavities filled which I hate.

Got some vicadon as a pain killer.

Does vicadon cure a heart filled with metaphorical bullet holes? Love April