Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Good Morning Heartache (Billie Holiday)

This past week has been a rough one. For starters at the beginning of the week I found a friend of mine had stuck a knife in my back and really twisted it. What sucked was that this was someone I had been really good to when the chips were down in my life. Sure this person was a tad overbearing and people said not to trust them, but they were always nice to me. Sure my gut agreed but I have a good heart. Well my good heart did me in. What can I say? When I call you my friend I am your friend until the bitter end.
 Last time I ever do that shit.
To make matters worse as if I wasn’t already in a foul mood my ex fiancé tried to make a comeback. He always does this when things are going well. It was in the guise of an amends mind you. It was a shallow amends at that. Basically he told me that I was beautiful, he knew I would achieve everything I was working towards and that I would always be an important part of his life. Not once in that letter did I hear the words I’m sorry. Not I’m sorry I was verbally and psychologically abusive as well as controlling when we were together. Not I’m sorry I attempted suicide twice in front of you when I didn’t get my way. Not I’m sorry I tried to deprive you of your puppets in order to get control. Not I’m sorry I tried to separate you from your family whom I know you love. Not I’m sorry I tried to strangle you once. Not I’m sorry I almost got you kicked out of the place you were living when we were together because everytime I would visit I would let my tempter explode. Not I’m sorry I stalked you and made your life a nightmare after we broke up. Not I’m sorry I even sent my old girlfriends to harass you. Not I’m sorry I tried to kill myself to get your attention. Not I’m sorry I told my friends I wanted you dead. I didn’t even want a laundry list but the fact I didn’t even see that word once says a whole lot. It says not only didn’t he change but that the psycho that I knew so well is still thinly veiled under there.
I did what Abraham Lincoln once did. I wrote him a letter where I told him off and didn’t send it. I might print it in a separate blog entry if my friends and fans want to see it. Then I blocked him on facebook where he can’t contact me again. But I was already mad as hell about being stabbed in the back. Suddenly I was madder than hell. It brought back all this old shit. Sure my ex wasn’t stalking me anymore. He hadnt in years. Not since he made my life a nightmare when I tried dating other people and he finally decided I could have peace when he met someone. What the fuck gave him the right to think it was okay to write me?
It just brought everything back. There I was twenty one again with this nightmare of a guy. I was kicking myself telling myself what a nice person I was before I met this disaster of a guy. I went to NYU. I had been in the National Honor Society. I went to church. And then here he comes. Never did a damn thing in his life and never would. Loser stamped on his forehead. I thought he was my soul mate. Yes my sense of self was that low. Then in the midst of hell I found myself not eating, taking diet pills and drinking to cope. Oh and then there were the ex cons I dated. My ex fiancé was the one and only time I have ever been loyal to a man. What did he do? He cheated on me with his stripper/hooker ex who was giving him a grand a week. Yet I was the whore when I broke up with him and started seeing other people.
Needless to say the contained rage exploded on on the talk channel. It was an issues show. Although it was supposed to be fun it got dark and serious because the issue was dark and serious and I ended up just losing my head. To make a long story short I went on a rant about how victims get no rights and ended up getting into a verbal sparring match with an ex con turned rapper. I was just overtaken by rage. It was to the point where if I was able to jump through my computer I would have choked a bitch. My younow family was supportive though. They had my back and several people from the site texted me to let me know they loved and cared about me. Still I was mad as hell.
The ex con rapper and I ended up squashing our beef on the rap channel during the hip hop show. We even talked later that night and not only did he turn out to be an alright dude but he was my music guest on Confessions this past week. But in between the hip hop show and my making up I ended up going over the house of a woman who is like my mom and chain smoking two of her cigarettes. It didn’t make me feel better but I was just raging like hell. I didn’t even know why either. Everything seemed to be touching a nerve.
My younow family all dropped me lines to make sure I felt better. I did knowing I had their love and support. Everyone told me to pick up the phone and call them or write them in case I ever felt I needed to talk. MsSassy, a regular, also played me music into the wee hours of the night. Adi, the genius who created the site, called me the next morning to make sure I was okay. He also gave me some sound advice. Basically, it was next time I had a political disagreement, to laugh it off. In his words, “Life is too short.” He is one million percent right. I have always maintained Adi is a genius. That moment was no exception. After all, he should have thrown me a straight jacket and possibly banned me from the site for life. I probably should have laughed it off, and if I couldn’t have done that I probably should have turned my computer off. Still there is something in me that if someone invites me to the amusement park I gotta jump on the ferris wheel. I have to stop that and it is something I am working on and I know if I don’t master it will fuck me over everytime.
The site has been great to me, letting me host my own show. Hosting my own talk show has always been my dream and they are bringing me one step closer. So to blow my top was not only ruining it for the site but making me look like an ass. Oh and after breaking out in red blotches like I do when I get angry which were still there the next day I just felt like an ass for not being able to maintain my cool.
But I went from being angry to just feeling sad. Truth be told, I just wanted to know why my ex and asshole friend couldn’t wait forty eight hours instead of twenty four to rain shit on my life. But more than anything, I felt like an asshole for trusting the wrong people all the damn time. Yes my picker is and always will be off. But what made me the most sad is that I had loved my ex at one time. Part of me still does. Since it ended with him I have never been able to be loyal to any man any where. I have a history of being able to get guys but I am never able to keep them. I get them interested, turn into Jane Bond and then disappear into the night. Or they get to see my dark side, the one with the temper. Worse yet, I decide I am not staying loyal and they get hurt. I just can’t stay loyal. Everything straight and male seems set to disappoint and lie to me. Men plus liar equals always. I know its not true nor do I want it to be. Maybe because I am the way I am, untrusting and cold, I make it true.
I only realized how much damage that relationship did recently. Since that time I have never been able to get a nice guy’s attention. My standards are so low I am pleased when a guy has a job and doesn’t have a criminal record or a drug problem. I am overjoyed when he doesn’t try to get me to fist fight him. When I have someone who wants to be nice I always mess it up either by going off at him in public or cheating. Most of the time nice guys don’t want me anyway. After all, very few girls have both a stalker ex and a prison escapee on their dating resume.
I did find someone I liked recently. He was the type of guy I fall for, bad boy. But a reformed bad boy trying to go right. He knows cars like the back of his hand which is sexy to me because I don’t even drive. Not to mention he was sweet and we really clicked. He thought it was cool that I was smart and that I like to write. I didn’t tell him about the puppets. Maybe he would have found out. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world. But he seemed cool and was easy to talk to and made me smile. He was different than the rest of the guys. He wasn’t scheming to get me into bed. Actually he probably was. Anything straight and male is always scheming to get anything with a vajay jay into the proverbial sack. But he wasn’t like a lot of the other guys who thought just because they spend two dollars and up on you entitles them to a night at Casa Brucker. It was quite the opposite and that was refreshing. Maybe he wasn’t high class like the celeb I dated but he was definitely classier. He took me to see Rum Diaries because he remembered me talking about how I wrote a book and am in the process of getting it published.
Then I thought about it. This dude is coming with a lot of baggage and a lot of this mess isn’t cleaning itself up soon. While he could be a good boyfriend it won’t be now it will be sometime down the line. Plus while I have some grizzly chapters in my life mine pale in comparison to his. Because of the wreckage of his past his life is jumbled and he has things he needs to do. While it was hard for me because he had my heart I figured love wasn’t going to be enough. It would end in disaster and maybe down the road when he has himself together we can try again. Still it sucks being the grownup.
For the first time last week I realized how many scars I still carry from that nightmare of a relationship. Even though I joke about it onstage and have spoken about it since being a Reality TV star I feel raw as hell even now. And when I met the guy I actually liked this past week he actually made me feel okay and safe and no one has done that for me ever. I felt like for once I could get someone who could be the man I always wanted and needed and he wasn’t ready damnit. To make it worse and better, he was patient as hell.
Then again maybe I am giving this dude too much credit. After all he was a mess. Not to mention it was still early. There was still time to screw me over. Straight plus male equals always untrustworthy. Oh and then he probably would have eventually cheated on me. Or I would have cheated on him. Or there would be the kids he had and didn’t pay child support to that had yet to show up. All these things were possible and I am trying to tell myself maybe I dodged those bullets. Or worse yet, the thought of me following my career would have made him jealous and he would have made me quit. And then he would have, much like my evil psycho ex, made me shelve my puppet children forever. While there is nothing to vilify I need to when it comes to the almost boyfriend who was. It makes me feel better about the whole thing.
Either way I hung out with my gay friends last night and had a banana split. That felt good. It made me forget my broken heart lying in my room on my dresser drawer. Of course then I remembered it today when I saw the almost boyfriend that never was. He gave me the big hello. I think I will start avoiding that diner so I don’t see him and it isn’t awkward for the both of us. Actually he probably doesn’t care. Like all men he catches feelings until he sees something else he wants to bang. He’s probably over the whole thing now. He only saw me twice. He moved onto something easier and stupider. He said he didn’t like those kind of girls. Then again my ex fiancé said he would love me forever and never hurt me. Point being men lie and say anything to get what they want. Maybe that’s not true but saying that is making me feel better right now.
So here I am, alone again. I ate a Rueben for dinner. I am making myself a bath. My place is a mess. I have filled my schedule up so I don’t start crying. I don’t even know why I am sad. Only saw the dude twice. But maybe it was because for once in my shallow little fame whoring world I found someone who could take me for me and make me smile. Eh, I am giving the fucker too much credit. At the same time I was pushing him away and hiding good things about myself. I always do. Part of being Mr. April Brucker is meeting Jane Bond, my secretive alter ego. But I like being alone. No possibility of being rejected for something easier and sluttier who has achieved nothing and is much less intelligent than yours truly. At the same time I am now terrified that if I don’t change I will be alone forever.
On the bright side I am inching closer to publishing my book, am finishing another song, and am organizing my show. I also find that despite losing my asshole traitor friend I am finding I have a lot of good ones around me, especially in my YouNow family. From giving me the opportunity to be myself, having my own talk show, and having my back when anyone gives me beef I find that while one dipshit is in the trash I have gained many more ounces of gold. These people are more than worthy. When one door closes another opens. In this case an iron gate closed but a thousand windows seemed to open only to let in the most heavenly rays of sunlight. And they are willing to accept me when I am crazy. Sure in Dante’s Inferno I would be with the adulterers, swept by the wind as I was swept by my passions in life, but they love me for it anyway.
Speaking of show, this week is Veterans Day. So I am encouraging those in the armed forces to share with us or people to share their feelings on patriotism. Or share whatever else is going on with them. I think it will be a good show. All my shows have been rocking so far. So watch us this Sunday from 8-10 pm EST on’s Talk Channel. See you there. Love, April

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