The Next Move on the Board

My Next Move on the Board

I have had an eventful two years. I helped pitch one TV show to networks which was basically my big activity last summer. I also appeared on one reality show and did a press tour that spanned on The Today Show, Entertainment Tonight, Inside Edition, ABC News, PAX NY, TMZ and Joy Behar. Before that I appeared on TV with Jeff Foxworthy. That was sort of a stealth deal. I just thought it was going to be a quick promo. Didn’t know he was going to be there and perhaps he is one of the coolest people I have ever met. Say whatever you will about his comedy but it is wonderful to see someone at that level as humble, down to Earth and able to laugh at himself as he is. Oh and then there was the whole Rachael Ray thing and I appeared on E. Yeah I also toured a tad and wrote a book. Did I mention I recorded a song and made a video for it? Oh and there is the webseries where I have had a slew of impressive guests as well as performing with the Gong Show and being on Shovio for five minutes. I am a busy woman!

Now that being said I am currently at a precarious position. I have had people recognize me from my TV appearances and they asked for photos on the street. I always take fan photos. I love them. Of course the fan mail and fan support has been amazing. One fan wrote a song about how he wanted to be my boyfriend. While it was flattering I hope he never obtains my home address. Other fans have flown up to the city in order to meet me. Not to mention I have gotten some paid appearance opportunities because of this and made a movie.

However, I have also received some retaliation because I am visible. I was doing a kids party a few weeks ago and this bitch recognized me as a result of my TV appearance. Instead of asking if it was me she proceeded to gossip about me like the low class, low rent piece of shit she was despite the fact she lived in Monclaire. Needless to say she wrote the booker and told her that the fact I was on a reality show meant I was a bad example to her children and therefore she needed to stop booking me! Meanwhile this bitch was wearing low cut shit, had makeup melting off her face, looked like she turned tricks in a bathroom stall, and her kids were probably conceived via anal sex. However I was a “bad example”. Wow! Then I did a job for someone else and it went well. However, this woman went on line and wrote my company a scathing review basically slandering me almost costing me my job. None of it was true. However, I believe it was in retaliation again to this TV appearance. Why? Because on the way out I heard someone say, “Is that the puppet girl?” There are people fucked up enough to go, “Guess what I did to her.” Meanwhile I did nothing to them. Must mean I am making it.

The doors that are opening and closing for me are amazing. I am doing lots of paid photo shoots, paid webcasts, video/TV work, and emceeing private events. However, it is like I am a pariah in the NYC Clubs. In Jersey I seem to be welcome everywhere I go. Same with Long Island. And people are happy when they see me and want to know all about the show. In NYC, it’s like I am this pariah who killed ten people and then drank their blood. I remember right after I did the show I was at my former home club and people who I had known for years were there. We had been friends for what seemed forever. Then they saw me and it was barely a hello. At first I thought it was me but it wasn’t. My suspicions were confirmed a few weeks ago when someone wrote something snarky under one of my pictures relating to the TV appearance.

I guess I still feel most betrayed by what was once my home club. In my last blog I forgot to mention I included them on the TV show and they got a generous monetary donation from the producers. Instead of attempting to give me better spots because not only was I talented, it was nada. I didn’t even ask for headliner spots. I just wanted to be treated well. But once an open mic host always an open mic host in that club system of bringing, barking and indentured servitude. I remember they even fired me from my own mic without telling me. So much for a thank you. Then again these people were low class, low rent and in the words of my dearly departed friend Roger Ferrer, “A bunch of nobodies trying to be somebody and that is the worst kind of nobody there is.”

The feelings from that split were so bitter that I will never go back there for anything. When I left there were rumors about me fighting with two other hosts that weren’t true. Then there was the rumor that I was sleeping with someone else involved with the club who was married. I have made many mistakes in my time but that is not one. The only thing I miss is having a home. However, they showed me who they were so maybe it is better to be homeless in this case.

So I guess I am wondering what my next move is. I thought about going more the acting route which would mean getting an agent, getting headshots, and then hanging out with actors. Although I majored in theatre, I don’t like actors. They make everything about acting and will corner you and tell you about their career or lack thereof. People keep telling me I would do well in commercials. But I am at a weird spot with that. I could be the quirky friend but always lose out to a fat ugly girl. Then I could wait in line with the rest of the blondes but some of these bitches are glamazons. Then of course they want someone who can just run and chew gum sometimes that looks nice on camera. The ventriloquism opens doors and gets me work but they aren’t always calling for a vent.

Then there is the music route. I have started recording songs and musicians are much nicer and less competitive than comedians could ever be. Comedians never support each other. It is fun to make music but there are so many people more talented than me. While technically I sing for a living, some of the people I work with could kick my ass out of the park vocally. Leslie, one of my bosses assistants, does a mad assed Liza and she can also pull off Tina Turner. Not only does this involve shifting races in a sense, but if someone can do that their vocal range is out of this world. Then there is Lynn, my bosses other assistant, who sings Big Band but also sings Cher. She has an amazing voice on her as well. As does Gayle, another girl I work with who does a dead on Barba Streisand. Point is, while I can sing and make music there are some who are very gifted in ways I could never be. Still, that has not stopped Paris Hilton.

I could go back to the standup full time like I have for the past several years. I could pursue bookings like crack cocaine again. The problem is, I am tired of chasing after shit spots for shit money in order to be sometimes turned down. Not to mention I am tired of the snottiness of the NYC comedy scene where the art snobbery makes some the favorite sons and daughters who can do nothing wrong, are funny no matter how badly they tank, and somehow get massive peer respect even though they have nothing going on. I thought about trying to get into a headliner club in the city. Unfortunately, it might mean doing bitch work like bringing and while my fans would gladly come I am past the point of doing bitch work. I have paid enough dues. It seems like the only way to break into the club system is either to be undeniably funny or undeniably famous. Funny only works if you are a male or a member of a sought after ethnic group. Famous works for anyone. Having draw is the key. I’ll wait for their knock.

Then of course I wrote a book and that is waiting to get published. I am tweaking my proposal which is why my house is a mess. Will be fun to clean up. I think I got a mouse.

Then of course there is the question of should I even stay in NYC? One manager told me to move to LA during pilot season, try to get seen, try to book some TV work, and go that route. While the Hollywood dream is wonderful I would just be auditioning. There is no guarantee I would book. Plus it is more expensive than NYC out there. I would need a place to live, a car, and that would mean learning how to drive. Never got around to getting that liscense and cabs are expensive. You need a car in LA, end of story. Plus it could cost a fortune to move, it might not work out, and if I want to audition and get seen for TV I can do it in NYC as well.

Then there is the question of should I move to Europe and try my luck there. I just appeared in Chat Magazine, a UK version of People and Redbook. Again it would be the question of money, where to stay, and then I would have to get a work Visa.

Someone suggested Chicago or Boston. While both are smaller markets with quality art, as long as I am going to move I want it to be a big market that furthers my career. Chicago is more improv and I have grown to detest improv over the years. Boston has some good comedy but as I recall they are all moving here.

I have no idea what my next move is. Maybe I could join the Friar’s Club, pay a few hundred dollars a month, and use it as a credit. I have heard it is easy to get in. You just need people to recommend you. However, most of the Friars don’t like me. So there we go. Maybe someday, or maybe not. For now I would have to pay them dues perhaps on an EBT card. Yes, I have visibility but am broke assed broke.

Either way, I am busy plotting my next move. I don’t want to be a reality star that has her five minutes and fades like the shooting star in the sky. One girl on Last Comic who was on a few years ago was hot shit and now she calls the avails line like everyone else. She used to be a big deal now no one gives a shit about her. I don’t want to end up like that. So as confusing as it might be, I ask asking God, Buddah, or Frank the Pink Bunny to show me what to do or where to go next.

One thing is for sure, I have a singing telegram today in Staten Island. Better get ready for that. Oh and I also need to finish retweaking my book proposal. Okay, maybe I almost have it figured out. Love April