Tuesday, June 7, 2011

April's Weekly Countdown

Loser of the Week: Rep. Anthony Weiner not only for lying about his dick pics but sending them in general. Okay, you like the ladies Anthony. You were the nerdy kid with the Jewfro who got his ass beat in high school. Girls turned you down. You met Jill, the lady of your right hand and got to know her well until you were about twenty. Now to make up for it you are showing the whole world your dick and because the whole world has seen your dick you are now crying alone because your wife is leaving your ass. (Huma has been absent for all press conferences). The only way to redeem yourself. Make a gay porn. Seriously, I have several friends in the industry who would love to work with you. Actually should this be weiner of the week? Ha ha ha.
Weiner, a dick by any other name

Winner of the Week:  There is a tie. Angelina LeVasseur from Ann Arbor, Michigan is our winner of the week. Born with spinal bifida, she has lived her entire life in a wheel chair and this week for the first time, with the help of a physical therapist, she left her wheels behind the stage and WALKED! Yes it was a big deal and made national news. Not only did it put a smile on my face, but on my worst days it made me thankful for all the things I have.

You go girl. Work it girl, work it.

The other winner of the week is Timothy Ray Brown for not only being diagnosed with HIV and leukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant. As a result this bone marrow and stem cell transplant not only is Mr. Brown cured but he is permanently immune. This is a victory for anyone with HIV and one more strike in whipping this terrible disease that has isolated and killed so many. Someone asked me if they think Timothy Ray Brown will go out and party it up. Probably not. I think he’s been through a lot. He lives in San Fran with his pup and I just think the two will stick with hanging out and watching TV.
He beat AIDS. I think he deserves his own Wheaties Box.

Whacko of the Week: I was getting my hair done at Blondie’s this past week when this girl comes in. She started out being nice enough and of course my boys being the homos they are put on Lady Gaga. That’s when this woman starts talking about how she hates Lady Gaga because she is a member of the Illuminati and sold her soul to the devil. Then she says it was a video she saw on youtube and then goes to list a slew of other celebrities. Continuing in a rant like state, she says Kanye sold his soul and that’s why his mother was taken from him. Wow. Anyway, I kept trying to get her to change the subject but she wouldn’t budge. When she left we all agreed she was a little whacky. I saw her the next day and she grabbed me, asked if I wanted to hang out, and then asked me if I wanted the videos. Dear Crazy, fuck no.

Satan helps me sell my records. My fans don't know it but the ranting crazy lady does. I better keep my devil worship and blood drinking on the down low.

Favorite Artist of the Week: Adele. I am stuck on her sound and think she is going to be something special. She is more than just a one hit wonder. Unfortunately she is sick right now. Get well sweetie. We want to see you tour again.
Honey you got a rockin voice. We love you in NYC. *MWAH*

Least favorite artist of the week: Katy Perry. She is too poppy and way too overplayed. I like her song the first time I hear it and everytime thereafter I want to slit my wrists. Then to top it off when she hits the high notes she can barely hit them. Who’s dick did she suck to get a record contract? Oops, she is a preachers kid. We have Jesus to thank for this mistake.
Everytime I hear you sing it is like hearing Jesus scream as he is being nailed to the cross.

Favorite Comedian of the Week: Wendy Liebman. I saw her stuff a few years ago and watched it again recently. I think she is creative, smart and funny.
Miss seeing you on late night TV. Come back soon!

Least Favorite Comedian of the Week: Daniel Tosh. I don’t think he is funny, I think he is overplayed and I don’t know who he blew to get on comedy central. I also think the boy is a little closeted. Where is Perez Hilton to out him? Seriously…I don’t know. Maybe it’s also because I asked him to be on my webseries and his people were dicks. Either way I have no use for him. I hope he just fades into obscurity. I would say die in the middle of one of his shows but his albums would sell.
Please go away. We hate you and you arent even cute.

Quote of the Week: “Be the Queen Bee or get the fuck out of the ball.” Roger Ferrer

Roger had a way with words and was always throwing shade. RIP dear heart.

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