Seasonal Maladjustment and Other Business

If you have ever walked the tight rope known as 12 Step and self-help, you know about HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. They should highlight Tired. I make all my terrible decisions when I am tired. Once when I was tired I withdrew my rent out of the wrong bank account putting myself almost 2 grand in the red. It was bad. I had to call my mom like an asshole.

Yes, nothing says asshole like calling your mom to tell her what a fucktard you have been as an adult. But moms are moms. They are always there like parachutes to rescue and hot air balloons to lift you up.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Work was busy before leaving NYC for Christmas. Then during Christmas my mom was sick, so I couldn't rest as much because she needed the assistance. I would have been a complete asshole if I wouldn't have stepped up. How many times has my mom stepped up for me? Plus the docs feared she had pneumonia which is no joke. Needless to say I didn't get much rest during the holiday.

Then I was in Vegas working and rehearsing for the APAP showcase performance of The Lady and President Tramp. It was rehearse, rewrite, rinse, repeat. In between I was getting threats on twitter and the venue was getting threats too. Never a dull moment.

Then I went to APAP, did some reporting for Clyde Fitch, did my showcase.....success.

However, the next few days were spent trying to recover. I got onstage right away and thought I was okay. But then I couldnt sleep. I tried but my phone buzzed, people called. I found a new Lifetime movie. I was too wired to sleep.

Finally Friday I forgot what time zone I was in. I forgot my groceries at the supermarket. I dropped my keys on my front stoop and left them outside. I got into a fight with someone I care about who's my heart in a lot of ways. When I say fight it was a big fight......so big I didn't know if they would be talking to me the next day.

Luckily Tylenol PM was to the rescue. I slept until almost noon when my landlord woke me up to tell me he made too much coffee. And then he told me about his latest UFO theory. I managed to complete my errands the next day without dying or falling asleep on my feet. Bonus, I knew what time zone it was.

Yesterday, I managed to patch things up with the person I cussed out who compared me to an infant throwing a tantrum.....ouch, and they were even kind enough to laugh me off.

Either way, I got some decent rest this weekend and put in some self-care. Now to get my show back up again, find a pianist, enter it into festivals, and make some videos. Oh you got to eat that elephant one bite at a time. Did I mention I am releasing a calendar and book?

Sigh, no rest for the weary. 

Some Good, Some Bad

This past week has been up and down as far as everything is concerned. In some ways, I feel like my career is in free fall. The week began with me losing a theatre gig because I asked to be paid a certain amount. I wasn't being greedy. I am doing almost an hour. I have friends who would charge a few grand for that and they haven't been on television and don't have the writing credits I have. I am hardly being greedy. They get their asking price, and don't have to argue. On the other hand, I have to beg people. So after finding out the producer was being paid a decent amount and the sound man was making more than anyone, the producer told me he would "pass on this one." He didn't even try to meet me half way.

Me at the start of last week, poised like a star. 

After that, I was passed over for another gig. Yeah, as in not chosen. Don't have the look. I never really book print stuff anyway. On top of that, I met with a VO Agent. He said I needed tweaking, etc and my voice was better for cartoons. I am up and down about the whole VO thing. Some actors are into it, and some only do it as one of the many things they do. And then to get a demo is such a pain in the ass. Most people producing demos have no business doing it. I hear I would be good in that market, but then again, is it a rainbow I want to chase?

 On top of that, there was an issue with my device so I couldn't cover the World Cup like I wanted to. Basically, last week sucked careerwise.

Me at the end of last week. Oh how things change in the life of an egomaniac

So it makes the fact my refrigerator is broken and there is a small pond under my sink because my sink is leaking all the worse. However, the good news is I am a ventriloquist of note. I was featured in a positive light. They have said some God awful things about me on Vent sites in the past. It is usually Christian Ventriloquists. As if a skill from a horror movie couldn't get any scarier it just did kids. But they said kind things about me. It was a surprise to find I am not a pariah in my own community as some have claimed.

http://www.ventriloquist.org/wp/

When we aren't making diva demands according to some we are quite cute. 

Additionally, we made several cabaret websites that are hard to get onto. People are also telling me how proud they are of my event at Don't Tell Mama. I really did look good that night. I am also amazed that everything turned out so well. However that is when the fatal stomach crap started. No wonder I look so damn skinny in this pic. 

Oh yeahski!!!!

I was sick all weekend, and I couldn't leave the damn toilet. However, I watched every Karate Kid movie there was. I think we should make bracelets that say, What Would Mr. Miyagi Do? (WWMMD?) The man is awesome, especially in the first one when you think he is some humble super. However, he knows karate. And when Daniel-son aka Moron From Jersey gets himself into trouble, it's Miyagi that is like Spider Man and beats the ass of the Cobra-Kai. Mr. Miyagi foreves.

Forever my sensei

Additionally, I watched the World Cup and Germany won!!!! This made me so happy because I thought the Argentinian Team were a bunch of idiots. Oh and the players that I loved looked great. Thomas Muller winked at the camera during the national anthem. And then managed to get more grass stains on his shirt than anyone. Schweinsteiger shined and then got a bloody eye from a dirty Argentinian player. His singing during the national anthem was committed, but however, was off key. Ozil was silent during the anthem, staring off into space with those Lil Bug Eyes of his. On the field he was as strong as ever. Mario Gotze scored the goal. They operated as a unit and additionally are dead sexy. 

FTW-For the win

Don't Mess With Bug Eyes

Basti is gettin nasti. 

You have scored for Germany and scored with me, Hot Stuff

And of course being a woman, these men are the sexifacation of my lonely, overworked, career woman dreams. I don't get out much, and I need things to look forward to. So I am tossing each of these men a teddy bear.

Tossing two at once to see who catches them

Who will catch this and make a lonely woman happy?

And a bear who looks like he can take care of himself. 

And because I watched Karate Kid, I remembered no bear comforts me like Teddy Ruxpin. 

So now I am back to the grind. Maybe this week will be better with the career. I have no other life. In other news, the stomach crap has started and I have been away from the toilet for several hours. The final for my writing class is shaping up. The telegrams have me running around like gang busters which means rent is paying itself. And I will be back on Ranter at the end of this week when my phone is updated.

Also, today is my Grandmother's birthday. She would have been 90. It is also the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille. I miss my Nunni. Somewhere she is making a new friend. They just sold my grandparents house too. Oh well, her spirit is with me. And I know she would love the fact I am about to go to a TV show audition. 

My grandma colorful as ever in the hat

xoxox

April

www.aprilbrucker.com

Money, Success, Fame, Glamour (Party Monster)

I have been really sick lately. It's a seasonal thing. To arm myself against the elements of further infection, I have been taking a Z pack. Yes, it's all the stuff in all the other cold medicines times twenty. So my boss calls me to do a singing cop downtown. Okay, here I come. I had been feeling like a craptacular mess the last two days. Suddenly, I felt better when I kickboxed this morning. I can do this. I know I can.

The day had been good so far. I had somewhere important express interest in my writing. More on that later. The night before, despite being under the weather, May Wilson and I had kicked ass at Otto's Shrunken Head. Oh and I also delivered a successful rapping chicken to the assistant of Melissa Harris-Perry. Walking past their office, on the other end of the hall, was SNL. In some ways I have given up on that dream. I am not an improviser nor am I a woman you can easily box in. On the other hand, after seeing Johnny Carson's photo I thought maybe, just maybe...

Of course this was after a hot week last week, where I discovered that I was up for a huge project. And then got good news on another one. And this week nothing. Welcome to the nature of my life. Sometimes you are on top of the world, and then the clouds are taken.

Going to the gig, I get a sudden cramp in my stomach. I tell myself it's the Z pack. It is working. I just hope I won't poop my pants on the street. Okay, the term is shit myself. But I have been doing lots of shows for kids lately. When you start dropping cuss words in real life, then it slips out at the church function and you are fucked. Okay, so much for that shit. Anyway, it was pretty apparent, I was going to shit myself. So I searched for a Starbucks in Tribeca. None, fuck those assholes. Okay, the nonswearing promise ran out long ago. Oops. I am desperately trying to contain my bile and find a bathroom. Finally, I sneak into a bar. I run to the back and oh my gosh, relief. Then as I went to flush the toilet I saw what I believed to be overflow. I don't know what was worse, the fact I stealthed the toilet or the fact that I almost broke it. Either way it did flush. Still, I felt weak after that. Must mean the medicine is working, right? Yes, it is working. It is killing everything inside me, including myself.

I went to the gig and the cop went smoothly until I slipped into my dyslexia at the end. The telegram was from the Makeable Group, not the Marketable Group. Usually I can handle something like that, but I was becoming so lightheaded from all the water loss I had experienced. The client told me it was okay. I had knocked it out of the park until then. I kinda did look like I was knocking on death's door. At times like these I fear she might call my boss and ask if I am on drugs. No, only a Z Pack and DayQuil. They seem to be far more lethal than heroin without the high.

The trip home was brutal. I got the train that did the milk run. I feared being one of those passengers that fainted, holding up the train and making everyone hate me. I survived the train ride, and bought myself some chicken soup. I have been living on that for days. I don't know why but it works wonders. They call it Jewish Penicillin. It does work. I slept a bit until I had to run out and get some curlers. Then got a Dunken Donuts Collata.

Of course in between there my mom and I talked about my book signing. We discussed me possibly speaking to my former teacher's creative writing class. In a way it could be a good thing. At the same time, I see myself as a sixteen year old kid. How would I react to seeing myself? Would I be in awe of all the things I accomplished? Or would I think, what a desperate loser trying to be cool? Would I wonder what it was like to meet famous people? Or would I think, she isn't a household name yet, screw her? Maybe I would recognize myself from television and be armed with some smart ass remark? Or maybe I would be my own hero? As I pondered this existential dilemma I realized it had been a month since I had been on television.

Yes one month. I filmed a pilot last Sunday. I did a skype interview for something a week ago. I also have some other things in the works and no news. A fan has not stopped me for an autograph. My inner Norma Desmond phoned in. Was I fading? Damnit, I had not even reached Sunset Boulevard. My buddy had seen me by accident when he watched a rerun of some show I was on in the library. Still, when fans stop you for autographs you get Joan Crawford like spoiled. Yes, I am that fucking insane. Move over Miley.

Just then my stomach growled. I had to run to the toilet yet again. Living the dream people.

Love
April
www.aprilbrucker.com
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Download the first chapter of my audiobook https://itunes.apple.com/jp/album/i-came-i-saw-i-sang-ep/id704930346?l=en

Grave Cave Cold

It is deathly cold outside and I hate it. There is no way to walk three feet without risking frost bite even with gloves. This is Artic, so Artic that I see a penguin running around. Oops a Penguin would be happy. This cold is not happy. It is depressing and awful. I hate the month of January as a rule. Nothing goes on, there is nothing to do, and most of all, my industry comes to a slow. I am doing lots of other things but the cold just takes the energy out of my bones.

I am getting sick-ear ache-and getting depressed.

I always get depressed when I get sick. I have been delivering some telegrams and such. Book sales are okay. Still, I am ready for the next thing. Getting my book on tape done. But when I sit around and am all by myself sick I start to get this feeling of being nothing and going no where. I know rationally I am not true. But I am sick, tired, broke, and my ears hurt. Towards February things get better. I already have two radio appearances booked for February. I have two shows booked for March-both want me to push my book. A film I was in had  a successful screening. Not to mention we are screening another film I am in.

I have been eating a lot of chicken soup and drinking a lot of tea which means I always have to piss like a race horse. I have been spending a lot of time in my pajamas which means I feel less than sexy. Not to mention I have been watching lots of movies on youtube with steamy sex scenes. I look at all these beautiful people and say, “Why can’t my love life be like that?” They have sex and break dishes and stuff.

May Wilson’s love life is like that.

Shanniqua Parker killed her boyfriend who sexed her like that.

Sonny Jones pretends his love life is like that.

Officer E just arrests random men and takes them to the bath house.

I know it will get better, that this will pass. But today I have a Marilyn Monroe, then I have some chicken soup to have, and after that I have a phone date with my mommy for my latest project, and then bed time.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

877-Buy-Book for paperback

Available as an ebook on Amazon and Nook

Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Under the Weather

I am sick. End of story, plain and simple. My mom mailed me a package with medicine that didn’t come. At times like this I wish my mom was living with me so she could make me chicken soup, tell me that everything was going to be okay. Instead I am just sick.

The worst part is, because of my status as a freelancer, when I am sick I am unable to work. I missed a call for a job, but not really. It was between me and friend of mine at the telegram company. She ended up doing it just because she knew the character better but however I had the wig. It worked out better because it was an hour train ride and a twenty minute cab ride. I was light headed and could barely keep my eyes open. I was in no shape to take the trip so it all worked out. Plus as I said she knew the character better and the woman she was singing to was a die hard Lucille Ball fan.

My boss told me not to worry, they would have a gig for me soon. Plus Valentines Day is coming up. Part of me worries that we won’t have any business or that he will leave me off rotation. I know it’s not true. It’s me being paranoid and sick. I am part of the A team at the telegram company. I do certain characters very well, I take risks, I travel. Yes I screw up but on the other hand I never fuck up. There has to be something to be said for that.

Then there was a call for a Giants Cheerleader from another company I sometimes work with that didn’t go through. I think it was God telling to get some sleep. Take it easy. Pop an Advil PM. Advil PM is the best. Nyquil makes me feel hungover and Tylenol PM is like the eternal sleeping pill that you could just get hooked on all Judy Garland style it seems. Advil PM just makes me sleep, I wake up and then presto I start my day. Dayquil is sweet, it’s a stimulant. But relax I am not getting hooked kids.

I am under added stress not just because I am missing jobs but because I am about to publish a book. In between me being sick and other things I am afraid of getting behind schedule. I am looking forward to the release of my book though because I have worked very hard on it. But in my heart I am afraid no one will buy it. Maybe they won’t.

Then I am co-head of a pitch team for a TV show we are currently shopping in Hollywood. At least once a day I am filtering through people who are nothing but smoke and mirrors. People promise you things but then they back down. I also have to be the brass knuckles, explaining to those on my side not to get their hopes up. I hate to be as jaded as I am but I have been in the game far too long to entertain bullshit.

I did write a screenplay I hope to pitch soon. If it is one thing I can do it is I can write. I have been writing since I have been small. Then there are sometimes that I feel I can’t even do that. Did I mention I can’t act either sometimes?

I havent been kickboxing as much as I want to. The week before last I missed class entirely. Then this past week I went once and almost passed out. There is nothing like being near blackout, holding a kicking shield, and then blamo. At least I didn’t faint.

I spent last night with a friend sort of watching the superbowl and talking guys, low key. Yes it was a girlfriend. I don’t have many friends who are girls so maybe this was a good thing. It’s different having my Sunday nights free now that I am no longer hosting. Granted, I am busy as hell but I miss my fans on YouNow. I have been going through sort of a withdrawl since I left. I have all sorts of feelings but I know feelings are not facts. More than anything I just miss my poppyseeds.

I am also bummed because the microphone on my computer is malfunctioning so I can’t make videos. Sucks to be me right now.

Time for DayQuil and time to make a gratitude list. Okay, I am grateful that I am not Tom Brady, a loser that needs hair club for men. Maybe he and that loser/liar/lawyer I used to date can compare notes. Except my loser ex would be laughed out of the room by a model. But Tom Brady might be soon enough too. Love April