Some Good, Some Bad

This past week has been up and down as far as everything is concerned. In some ways, I feel like my career is in free fall. The week began with me losing a theatre gig because I asked to be paid a certain amount. I wasn't being greedy. I am doing almost an hour. I have friends who would charge a few grand for that and they haven't been on television and don't have the writing credits I have. I am hardly being greedy. They get their asking price, and don't have to argue. On the other hand, I have to beg people. So after finding out the producer was being paid a decent amount and the sound man was making more than anyone, the producer told me he would "pass on this one." He didn't even try to meet me half way.

Me at the start of last week, poised like a star. 

After that, I was passed over for another gig. Yeah, as in not chosen. Don't have the look. I never really book print stuff anyway. On top of that, I met with a VO Agent. He said I needed tweaking, etc and my voice was better for cartoons. I am up and down about the whole VO thing. Some actors are into it, and some only do it as one of the many things they do. And then to get a demo is such a pain in the ass. Most people producing demos have no business doing it. I hear I would be good in that market, but then again, is it a rainbow I want to chase?

 On top of that, there was an issue with my device so I couldn't cover the World Cup like I wanted to. Basically, last week sucked careerwise.

Me at the end of last week. Oh how things change in the life of an egomaniac

So it makes the fact my refrigerator is broken and there is a small pond under my sink because my sink is leaking all the worse. However, the good news is I am a ventriloquist of note. I was featured in a positive light. They have said some God awful things about me on Vent sites in the past. It is usually Christian Ventriloquists. As if a skill from a horror movie couldn't get any scarier it just did kids. But they said kind things about me. It was a surprise to find I am not a pariah in my own community as some have claimed.

http://www.ventriloquist.org/wp/

When we aren't making diva demands according to some we are quite cute. 

Additionally, we made several cabaret websites that are hard to get onto. People are also telling me how proud they are of my event at Don't Tell Mama. I really did look good that night. I am also amazed that everything turned out so well. However that is when the fatal stomach crap started. No wonder I look so damn skinny in this pic. 

Oh yeahski!!!!

I was sick all weekend, and I couldn't leave the damn toilet. However, I watched every Karate Kid movie there was. I think we should make bracelets that say, What Would Mr. Miyagi Do? (WWMMD?) The man is awesome, especially in the first one when you think he is some humble super. However, he knows karate. And when Daniel-son aka Moron From Jersey gets himself into trouble, it's Miyagi that is like Spider Man and beats the ass of the Cobra-Kai. Mr. Miyagi foreves.

Forever my sensei

Additionally, I watched the World Cup and Germany won!!!! This made me so happy because I thought the Argentinian Team were a bunch of idiots. Oh and the players that I loved looked great. Thomas Muller winked at the camera during the national anthem. And then managed to get more grass stains on his shirt than anyone. Schweinsteiger shined and then got a bloody eye from a dirty Argentinian player. His singing during the national anthem was committed, but however, was off key. Ozil was silent during the anthem, staring off into space with those Lil Bug Eyes of his. On the field he was as strong as ever. Mario Gotze scored the goal. They operated as a unit and additionally are dead sexy. 

FTW-For the win

Don't Mess With Bug Eyes

Basti is gettin nasti. 

You have scored for Germany and scored with me, Hot Stuff

And of course being a woman, these men are the sexifacation of my lonely, overworked, career woman dreams. I don't get out much, and I need things to look forward to. So I am tossing each of these men a teddy bear.

Tossing two at once to see who catches them

Who will catch this and make a lonely woman happy?

And a bear who looks like he can take care of himself. 

And because I watched Karate Kid, I remembered no bear comforts me like Teddy Ruxpin. 

So now I am back to the grind. Maybe this week will be better with the career. I have no other life. In other news, the stomach crap has started and I have been away from the toilet for several hours. The final for my writing class is shaping up. The telegrams have me running around like gang busters which means rent is paying itself. And I will be back on Ranter at the end of this week when my phone is updated.

Also, today is my Grandmother's birthday. She would have been 90. It is also the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille. I miss my Nunni. Somewhere she is making a new friend. They just sold my grandparents house too. Oh well, her spirit is with me. And I know she would love the fact I am about to go to a TV show audition. 

My grandma colorful as ever in the hat

xoxox

April

www.aprilbrucker.com

Pele's Nightmare: A Recap

Yes, yesterday Brazil was defeated by the German soccer team. Actually, Brazil was not defeated. No Sir, no M'am. They were flattened. If I didn't know better I would have thought Germany was playing Poland. Yes, it was that bad. I kid you not. I was there.

Historically Poland is Germany's side piece. They never commit, fuck her over, and never return her phone calls. 

But anyway, enough about that and enough World War 2 humor. I couldn't help myself. It was so bad never have I seen the Brazilian people so mightily disrespected since the days of the conquistadors. Yeah, as in the natives are completely wiped out and the people cannot recover from their crushing defeat.

Yes it was that bad.....just like it was centuries ago. 

Brazil is a soccer powerhouse, and I thought they were going to give Germany a fight. Yeah, but they didn't. Germany scored 5 times in 11 minutes. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry watching this display. The German's were beating them like an abused red headed step child. While I was rooting for Germany because they play smart soccer, I felt bad for Brazil. It was like they had either given up on life or sent their pee wee squad. Their soccer team was just like their economy, third world and sucktacular.

Start asking God for help cause you don't got a prayer in hell, Mister.

The Brazilian fans were beside themselves. As a matter of fact, within twenty minutes of the game they were crying pitifully and melting down just like their team was. National Pride. Fuck that shit. Try national shame. Yes, I would be ashamed of these morons too. Where was the fight? Where was the effort? Did they party too hard at Carnival?

These men played so badly they made women and children cry. Shame, shame, shame.

The German's played well, but then again this game was easier than the girl who bangs the entire football team in high school.

My spirit animal Thomas Muller was the stand out of the game as usual. This man gets his head busted open, gets black eyes, and for the most part can't walk. Yet he is scoring most of the goals. Yeah, Brazil's lead scorer was out with injury. But injury doesn't stop Muller. Yes, he is a left over from an old experiment and has been genetically engineered. This is why he is so super human.

He only has one expression with his Wolverine DNA

As for Schweinsteiger, he was amazing as usual. Not to mention a total hottie. His job was easier than ever, and he was probably glad he could go home afterwards too. I never get tired of watching this hot dog weiner worst. He can jump in my bun anytime.

He can hit me with his Schweinsteiger any day. Muh muh muh

Of course my favorite is Ozil. I always love how he runs up and down the field, and his bug eyes just light up. I mean, they get real big. They literally do pop out of his head. Ozil is hysterical to watch. You know he was probably bully meat back in school. Still, Lil Bug Eyes is doing quite well for himself now. The love child of Peter Lorre and a half blood princess is supposedly dating a pop singer.

Father and son......

But for serious, Brazil really sucked yesterday. It was so bad Germany let them score a pity goal at the end. Did you see that? And they also didn't gloat, because how could you? It was like running a race against someone on crutches. That's not even the worst part. The Brazilian fans, so beside themselves, started cheering for Germany. It's like Rocky IV when the Russians started cheering for Rocky when Ivan Drago sucked. To the credit of Germany, they were kindly victors. They comforted the team after they were crushed so terribly.

Either way, this was just terrible. I am selling the story as a screenplay to Hollywood. It will be entitled Pele's nightmare. While I have not yet cast the project, the sound track will be the crying of Brazilian fans as their team tanks it on the field.

Sigh Mc Sigh Sigh. Today I will be covering the Argentina v. Netherlands game on Ranter. Follow my completely biased commentary by downloading it on iphone and Android. Toodles.

A silly image after such carnage and tragedy. 

World Cup

These people are the ones who spilled the secret.......

 Steve Rogers is Clint Dempsey. Read the rest of the blog and I will explain....

As many of you know, I follow World Cup Soccer because of my gig with Ranter. I have been covering the US Team extensively. To me, the US Team has two stars.

One star is Clint Dempsey. So far the man has a broken nose. Additionally, he has acquired not one but two black eyes. Not to mention he can't walk, but somehow manages to jump. However, Clint Dempsey is a beast. He still somehow manages to play soccer. Clint Dempsey doesn't complain. He doesn't bellyache and pretend to be injured. It's because Clint Dempsey is in fact Captain America.

No, he is not cryogenically frozen. He is fo realz

The other is DaMarcus Beasley. He has a name that should belong to an American NFL player instead of a Euro style footballer. Nonetheless, Mr. Beasley rocks them all. . Like Clint Dempsey, he will never die. Say, didn't Captain America have a black side kick?

We are doing this. Yes we are!

Our first opponent was Ghana. I had mixed feelings about Ghana. They played a hard game, which I appreciated. We need tough opponents with real issues like how to feed their families on our sometimes over-indulged American doughboys. We need opponents who might get shot by their governments if they lose. So I could appreciate them that way. However, a lot of the tripping and spitting and other elbowing served no purpose. Some dudes were elbowing other dudes just to elbow them, and the ball was no where in site. One dud tripped another for no reason whatsoever! They broke Clint Dempsey's nose, and he might have had a tampon coming out of there but they could not defeat his spirit, and they could not defeat us because he is Captain America.

A celebration after a mob attack and elbow on the field

Our second opponent was Portugal. Overall, I didn't like the Portugese Team. I thought they were a bunch of pretty boys. Or they were over tattooed morons who believed they were playing professional basketball instead of soccer with all those moron tattoos. My least favorite was Christian "The Rapist" Ronaldo. Aside from clubbing women over the head and taking them back to his cave for a night of forced intercourse, he is just a tool with his little lightning zig zag bolts in his head. I was praying he got injured. Anyway, what I liked about the Portugese team was their ball handling skills were SUPERB! They knew how to get that ball, keep that ball, and pass it to their friends who could handle the ball in a like fashion. America could have used a little work in this regard. Their defense, while nothing to write home about, was better than ours. Michael Bradley kept losing the ball like an old woman loses her dentures, all the time. Not to mention Tim Howard was at McDonalds not keeping his eye on goal for the first and last minutes of the game. We should have won not tied. That is the only way the native peoples of Brazil would seek revenge against these bloody tyrants who made them speak their language and adopt their culture. But either way, I was not happy about that tie.

This woman may  or may not have consented. But then again, when Ronaldo's around, who needs to sweat those details?

"We will, we will rape you. Maybe not them, but I will baby. Cause I am the man no one says no to." Christian Ronaldo, direct quote and true fact

Our third opponent was Germany. I knew they were going to be tough. Germany has always been tough. They almost took over the world twice. Even in the days of the Holy Roman Empire, they did not retreat and even sent their women to fight. They scared the shit out of the Roman Legions. Anyway, back to soccer. I knew they were going to be a worthy opponent. And they were. Right away, these Rhinelanders scored a goal. Additionally, while their ball handling skills were not as good as that of the Portugese, they were excellent still. The strength Germany had was the ability to fill in those gaps, those holes. Yes I am talking defense. Additionally, they didn't just guard their goalie, they fortified the man. There was a reason America didn't score. No one would have scored. There was a wall in front of the goalie like an old time war fort, and no one was breaking through. And Germany had to be respected for toughness. Thomas Muller was their strongman, barely being able to walk and playing with six stitches. So what his brains might be leaking out of his head? There was a soccer game to be won. And they won 1-0.

They were not far away from the goal they were guarding when this photo was taken

Or maybe Steve Rogers is really Thomas Muller. I am very confused right now. Where is a sexless comic book nerd when I need one?

What will happen against Belgium? Let's just wait and see.

Want to join me and follow the cup? Download Ranter on your iphone or Android xoxoxo

And come to my special event July 3 @ 7:30 PM Don't Tell Mama 343 W. 46 st (Not soccer related, relax). 

Party in the USA (Miley Cyrus)

Last night I watched the World Cup at Mickey Spillane's. It is one of the many neighborhood bars owned by my friend Richie. If you live in Hell's Kitchen you know him. He is tall, thin, and has a Bruce Springsteen bandana on his head. Richie can be seen at one of his three bars or riding his motorcycle. I can say I like the dude, and his establishments are well run.

The reason I went is because of my Ranter gig. While my love of football is what scored me the job, I have been learning a lot about other sports. While I follow many others on a surface level, I have been getting into them like never before. This week I have been getting into the World Cup. I played soccer briefly as a kid, but was never very good. My sister Skipper on the other hand was amazing, that is, before she tore her ACL and that ended those dreams. She still continued to run cross country for years though. Wendell played until he was thirteen, but because he was built more like a tank rather than a spindly soccer dude, he would unintentionally get rough. So when he was in eighth grade he switched to football which turned out to be a better fit.

I got to Mickey Spillane's and ordered a ginger ale. It was the USA v. Ghana. When I saw the Ghanans and their faux-hawks I knew this was going to be a good game. The USA scored a goal within the first few minutes. However, the Ghanans were not going down without a fight. One dude was taken out in a stretcher within the first few minutes after the goal. Then the dude that scored the goal was hit in the face by a dirty, low road taking member of Team Ghana. At first he was the hero scoring the goal for the USA, and then became a zero as a tampon hung out his nose. Nonetheless, he still continued to play. Ghana still continued to play dirty though. One dude was kicking the ball, and another dude from Ghana tripped him!!!! I was like WTF! Was that really necessary, Sir? Then one member of Team USA nearly pulled both hamstrings at the same time. Now that was just painful to watch.....Ouchland.

At the same time, the USA kept getting close to scoring more goals, but they kept missing the net. They kept missing the net, and Ghana kept playing like a bunch of street brawlers. I wanted to explain to them that I was well aware they were third world, but it didn't mean they had to act like it. The Brits at the bar, hardcore soccer fans, explained the African nations as well as South Americans were typically rough. Why that is, I don't know. But if I were a ref I would be carding them everywhere.

When Ghana scored and tied the game, I felt my heart sink. The whole place did. America needed to get it together and fast. However, this also meant the stakes were raised. Now we were all glued to the screen intently. The bar had a diverse mix of patrons. Some were tourists. Others were suits. Some were local yokels like myself. There were whites, blacks, Latinos, Asians and any mix of foreigners. We were all in suspense, what would happen next.

Just then the USA scored a second goal. It was within the last few minutes of the game. Together we all cheered. In unison, a chorus of strangers, we chanted, "USA, USA, USA!!!"

It didn't matter that many of us didn't know each other or might never see each other again. Our team was playing for the World Cup and won one of the qualifying games. It not only gave us a fun evening, but made us feel good as a whole, as people of this great sovereign nation. This was amazing, and I left the bar skipping down the street. Despite the fact my dance card is full at times, it made me blessed to have a job in sports broadcasting and happy to live in the best city and best country ever.

So you need to download Ranter on both Android and iphone where it is available

And I need to do my homework for my Continuing Ed class tonight.

"USA! USA! USA!"