18 Cents......

Yes, that is a real Christmas song. My dad and his family used to sing it when I was a kid. Apparently unknown artists before the days of the Countdown Singers put out little records. 18 Cents is the most depressing Christmas song ever. It's about this poor kid who has no money except for 18 cents and how he divvies it up. But damnit, 18 Cents is our depressing Christmas song.

I am glad 2016 is almost over. I am so tired I feel as if I will die some days. There are moments where I want someone to throw a blanket all over me. Yesterday I was so exhausted that I nearly fell asleep in the train station. That would have been a bad idea, but eh.

Lately, I have been running around so much and there has been so much to do. I have been dealing with folks overseas. Then I have been getting ready to showcase my show The Lady and President Tramp at APAP. I have been interviewing piano players who work everywhere and are more tired than I am. In between I have been getting onstage and delivering telegrams. Today I interviewed a young woman still covered in my Lady Gaga sparkles. I know, STABLE.

I asked her about her life as if I had the right to judge anyone covered in my sparkles. She lived with her boyfriend. I asked how their relationship was because I had a piano teacher who broke up and wouldnt get out of bed. This is why I don't know how to play piano. She said things were fine. I said I had to ask. Then I remembered I was covered in sparkles. I was in no place to judge anyone anywhere.

Two weeks ago, I did a podcast with an Irishman who was recording me from a bathroom in Poland. It's not what you think, often the bathroom is the quietest place in the house. I have a soft spot for the Irish because my dad's family is Irish. Heck, my pop's himself is the stereotypical Irishman in a lot of ways. His dad even more so.

Either way, I am ready for 2016 to be over. I am ready to hear my mother's lecture about how I need more protein in my diet. I am ready for my father to shame me about my life choices as we watch Big Battles and I admire his train platform. I am ready for my male younger cousins to tell me about how they realized recently that women were jealous. (Honey, we all jealous). I am ready for one of my female cousins to have a meltdown over a guy and spill the truth via eggnog. And I am ready to tell her at least he went away on his own, you didn't have to get the cops involved.

I am ready for my cousin to get out his trump and to start playing 18 Cents

Here is the link to the podcast I did with the Irishman from his bathroom in Poland. Enjoy. http://thecomedycast.com/podcast/the-comedy-cast-interview-with-american-comedian-ventriloquist-and-writer-april-brucker/

WW2: If The Main Players Had A Sleepover

If the main players in WW2 were high school girls and had a sleepover, this is who the players would be. Yes, imagine that. It would be one big old atomic pillow fight.

America-The most popular one in the room, you love her and you hate her all at once. She’s perky, perfect, and never has a hair out of place. America was born beautiful (bitch). Not to mention all the boys like her and want to talk policy as an excuse to get into her ports. Did we mention her teeth are perfectly straight and white? And she is the captain of The Debate Squad (of course she is), Powder Puff Football and became Student Body President because she felt it was unjust to be called queen. (Don’t hate her cause you ain’t her). Yeah, and she’s first in the class. It’s nice to see she messes up and gains weight…..in her feet. And she is a vicious gossip, always stirring the pot whenever she can, especially between Germany and Russia because she can’t help it, it’s so much fun. But even though you love to hate her, if she invites you to eat lunch at her table you are so there. As a matter of fact, you are cancelling all your other plans because when else is this going to happen for you?

Yeah, and she totally won debate, did a standing back tuck at cheerleading, and has the best grade in calculus. But she is so inflated right now......

England- America’s total bff. The two snap chat like you wouldn’t believe, and I mean all the time. Not to mention they are all over each other’s facebook, twitter, and Instagram. If you didn’t know better you would think they were speaking the same language! England is like America except more refined. However, England is not a gossip. She will put you down straight to your face. England wanted to be Queen of Student Government because it was her divine right but America took that away. And she was Queen Bee before America said it was unconstitutional. But after that dust up they became friends. England is an awesome soccer player. Not the best but really enthusiastic. But don’t go shopping with her. She takes over an entire dressing room like it is her empire, and she believes the world rises and sets on her time there. While England never bad mouths America behind her back, she does get a kick out of when her gossip bites her in the ass, when she messes up, and when she gains weight…….in her feet. That is, when she isn’t being a total friendemy to France.

America's bestie and the one who thinks the world rises and sets on her empire. It's like we all speak English?!

France- The first friend America made when she moved to town and totally introduced her to the in-crowd, inviting her to eat lunch with them. At first, England and America didn’t get along, and France was becoming America’s bestie. That is, until England got her rotten claws in America. Ungrateful bitch, when America moved to town no one would give her the time of day. However, America is friends with them both, and just as England is a friendemy to France, she totally returns the favor. When the two aren’t around, France totally bad mouths and gossips about them both. Moreso England than America though, because America is totally popular and France totally needs that friend. England is equally as shady to France. When they had the sleepover party, England was supposed to tell France but “forgot” to message her. So America mentioned it because she thought England told her, and France got pizzzzzzzeeeeedddd! But let it be known, France has the best hair and the cutest dog out of any of them. They can say all they want about her, but any lie is simply just Vichy.

Friend to America and Friendemy to England, she easily has the best hair out of the bunch and Germany always manages to ruin it!

Canada- Okay, kind of had to invite her. She’s England’s first cousin and America’ next door neighbor to the North. Although she hangs out with the pot smoking environmental hippie group and wears flannel, she’s loyal and kind. Canada is easy going and doesn’t care about the popular stuff. Plus she’s cool enough to be friends with everyone, including France in all fairness who is kind of a snob sometimes and totally is too obsessed with her hair. Oh and she gets along with Russia, and no one likes that shady biatch. In any event, Canada always brings great snacks and funny stories, and it offsets Russia and her depressing tales of winter and death. Canada’s Instagram handle is mapleleaf.

Quirky and a little out of the box but not totally a total obnoxious know it all demanding world domination. We like her. 

Poland- Oh this poor girl…..poor, poor girl. Poland is so beautiful but so dim witted. America’s 

mother made the bet she would graduate high school with child. And America’s mother suggested she do a nice thing and invite her. Poland isn’t a bad girl, just a hair twirling ditz on the lower track always cracking her bubble gum. But she is completely nice and works hard in school even though her marks aren’t high. Her outfits are always cute though and she is totally sweet, which is why England, America and occasionally France sticks up for her. (But France totally makes fun of her when she isn’t there). Germany and Russia are totally mean to her because they can be, but always shut up when America puts them in their place.

Nice and sweet, but everyone is always rolling over her like a war zone. 

Russia- Full name USSR, but she prefers her teachers call her Russia. She doesn’t like America, England and France and they do don’t like her. These eternal, spiteful friendemies have never said a bad word. However, they know Russia is totally shadily two faced. She is so your friend to your face but behind your back she is a different story. She’s not a gossip, but she’s always got some plan and it involves her getting over to get ahead. During the race for Homecoming Queen, Russia attempted to stuff the ballot box but lost. And then Russia started a coup to run for student government, but America wouldn’t recognize her campaign because her symbol was the hammer and sickle with the slogan Bolshevek, therefore making believe Russia didn’t exist, and Russia has never gotten over that. On occasion Russia, America, France, and England have been forced to work together on various school projects, and always with the highest grade in the class. But they are all so glad when it is over. Russia totally hates Germany, and no one likes that girl. Those two hate each other so much and go at it in every class because they want “world domination” and want to prove the other is “more superior.” Once in gym class the two got into a total catfight over Poland’s territory aka, Poland’s boyfriend. You see, Germany had invaded him first but then Russia had the same idea and it turned out they were both all over the same guy! Russia is a total downer, even though she is kinda pretty she tells depressing stories about winter and death at every party. And America had to invite Russia, she overheard America telling Poland about the party and you know how Russia can be.

Driven and intense, she just won't stop telling weird stories about death and world domination. 

Germany- Pretty, obnoxious, and athletic, Germany is a wannabe popular girl and like Russia will do anything to get ahead. Germany is more brazen than Russia, and has a chip on her shoulder that the popular girls won’t invite her to hang out, especially America. She thinks America is out of touch and knows nothing about high school politics. Germany wants to take over student government and believes in ridding the school of certain students, deporting these inferior beings to lesser districts, and even has said so when asked. She has a disturbing number of supporters, and even tried an unsuccessful Root Beer Hall Putsch to take over student government. Germany thinks she is better than everyone and even says it, something about her being “the master race.” The captain of the soccer team, she likes England, but England really doesn’t like her and promises her they will hang out but loses her number. Germany also kicks the ball in France’s face during gym class taunting her about always surrending, holding her hands up as she does so, and France always cries. Germany and Russia are total enemies as I said. Total enemies. They even had a twitter war last week. Germany said something about being a lesser being, and Russia said you are dumb enough to invade my personal space in winter. God those two never stop. Oh and the only reason she’s here tonight is because Germany totally invited herself.  

There she is, all about being athletic and Aryan

Austria- Germany’s first cousin, even though she only lives one town over the two are joined at the hip. Like America and England, they snap chat religiously and are always in each other’s business. The only downside is that Austria  goes to a different school, so those two can’t Nazi around as much as they want. But it never stops these two from doing what they need to do, and by looking at them you would swear they were so close they could just be annexed! Austria, like England, is more refined than Germany, and lives in a bigger, fancier house because her dad makes more money. She’s just as snotty, but less likely to say something brash and stupid. While she would never gossip about Germany, she does get a kick out of it when she makes a fool out of herself which is every 5 minutes. Austria and Germany’s favorite activity is making fun of France to her face and she makes it so easy, but most importantly, making fun of Italy behind her back. Despite the fact she lives one town over, Austria has organized their little effort by naming their clique The Axis Powers. She even has a secret facebook group for the friends to talk smack about others, especially Russia and America. The reason Austria is at the party tonight is because Germany told her as long as she’s going, Austria should come too. The upside of Austria, she brings some good, high class, rather expensive slumber party snacks.

Not as vocal but just as willing and complicit

Italy- Germany’s less popular but totally dedicated friend for life. Italy is actually a totally likeable girl, and America, France, and England would totally invite her, but they know she doesn’t make a move without Germany’s okay. And anywhere she goes, Germany is somewhere around the corner and we all know that nobody likes that girl. No one knows why Italy is friends with Germany. Maybe it’s because Germany knows how to throw a party, or she wants to avoid becoming like Poland. And Germany is so fake to her too, telling her she is awesome, all Roman Empire, but then totally making fun of her when she isn’t around with Austria helping out (and that girl is soooo fake). Italy is totally different when Germany is around, acting like her total hype woman, cruising all fascist to the mall. But she is so much prettier than Germany when she does her hair and makeup right, and the girl can cook. America and England totally thought of inviting her, and tried to but Germany was desperately listening in as usual. Alas, Italy is bringing some rockin, home cooked food to the slumber party. America doesn’t like stereotypes, but Italy has just fulfilled a good one.

I know you are all about the facist regime with no democracy, but you seriously need some new friends, girl. 

Japan- Germany’s bestie above all the rest. She kinda lives far away, but the two hang out on weekends. They met on Instagram and clicked because they had similar ideas. It was after Japan used the hashtag world domination for a selfie. Like Germany, she believes she is a member of the master race, so much so that it is her twitter handle. Japan has only met America once, but is super, duper jealous of all the attention she gets. Just to get even, Japan dressed up and tried to steal America’s boyfriend. Japan has never been mean to Poland because she doesn’t know her. She also doesn’t have a big mouth like Germany, and totally hates Russia because who doesn’t? (As we established no one likes that girl). Japan just rolls her eyes when Russia starts talking about her long winter……does she mean her period?! Actually, Japan never really gossips let alone speaks, but you know like Germany she has an opinion that she is the best. I heard she totally overheard Russia discussing an idea for a science project and stole it, winning first place in the competition. Russia was sooooooo pissed. But one could say Japan was a smash, almost atomic as a matter of fact.

She's a friend to Germany, Austria, and Italy but would so stab them in the back in a minute. But she has been shady to Russia all night. 

Friends of America, England, Canada, and Russia that could not attend: Yugoslavia, Norway, South Africa, Brazil, Belgium, Greece, China, Denmark and the Netherlands. (Each had reasons because of family stuff, etc. However, they are all keeping in touch via social media and jealous they are not there. They are also doing virtual eye rolls and gagging at how Russia is just so shady, not even smiling at the party, and Germany keeps acting like it is her night even though she went and crashed it, bringing her weirdo cousin weirdo friends. China really, really, really does not like Japan and is totally saying that outfit is like Nagasaki. But at least there’s Canada. Oh, and they are all kinda making fun of Poland, sorry, it’s a guilty pleasure).

Friends of Germany, Italy and Japan that could not attend: Hungary, Bulgaria, and Romania. (Like the others, family stuff, etc and are keeping track on social media. First and foremost, they are making fun of Poland and cannot believe Russia wore that outfit. But more than anything, they are so glad America is retaining water weight in her ankles. Finally there is something wrong with that girl. And of course they are going to lie and say she looks great the next time they see her. They are getting a kick out of the fact that Austria got an Instagram of Germany and Italy with magic marker all over there faces. It might have been Japan…….). 

But this party ends in all out war

Pele's Nightmare: A Recap

Yes, yesterday Brazil was defeated by the German soccer team. Actually, Brazil was not defeated. No Sir, no M'am. They were flattened. If I didn't know better I would have thought Germany was playing Poland. Yes, it was that bad. I kid you not. I was there.

Historically Poland is Germany's side piece. They never commit, fuck her over, and never return her phone calls. 

But anyway, enough about that and enough World War 2 humor. I couldn't help myself. It was so bad never have I seen the Brazilian people so mightily disrespected since the days of the conquistadors. Yeah, as in the natives are completely wiped out and the people cannot recover from their crushing defeat.

Yes it was that bad.....just like it was centuries ago. 

Brazil is a soccer powerhouse, and I thought they were going to give Germany a fight. Yeah, but they didn't. Germany scored 5 times in 11 minutes. Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry watching this display. The German's were beating them like an abused red headed step child. While I was rooting for Germany because they play smart soccer, I felt bad for Brazil. It was like they had either given up on life or sent their pee wee squad. Their soccer team was just like their economy, third world and sucktacular.

Start asking God for help cause you don't got a prayer in hell, Mister.

The Brazilian fans were beside themselves. As a matter of fact, within twenty minutes of the game they were crying pitifully and melting down just like their team was. National Pride. Fuck that shit. Try national shame. Yes, I would be ashamed of these morons too. Where was the fight? Where was the effort? Did they party too hard at Carnival?

These men played so badly they made women and children cry. Shame, shame, shame.

The German's played well, but then again this game was easier than the girl who bangs the entire football team in high school.

My spirit animal Thomas Muller was the stand out of the game as usual. This man gets his head busted open, gets black eyes, and for the most part can't walk. Yet he is scoring most of the goals. Yeah, Brazil's lead scorer was out with injury. But injury doesn't stop Muller. Yes, he is a left over from an old experiment and has been genetically engineered. This is why he is so super human.

He only has one expression with his Wolverine DNA

As for Schweinsteiger, he was amazing as usual. Not to mention a total hottie. His job was easier than ever, and he was probably glad he could go home afterwards too. I never get tired of watching this hot dog weiner worst. He can jump in my bun anytime.

He can hit me with his Schweinsteiger any day. Muh muh muh

Of course my favorite is Ozil. I always love how he runs up and down the field, and his bug eyes just light up. I mean, they get real big. They literally do pop out of his head. Ozil is hysterical to watch. You know he was probably bully meat back in school. Still, Lil Bug Eyes is doing quite well for himself now. The love child of Peter Lorre and a half blood princess is supposedly dating a pop singer.

Father and son......

But for serious, Brazil really sucked yesterday. It was so bad Germany let them score a pity goal at the end. Did you see that? And they also didn't gloat, because how could you? It was like running a race against someone on crutches. That's not even the worst part. The Brazilian fans, so beside themselves, started cheering for Germany. It's like Rocky IV when the Russians started cheering for Rocky when Ivan Drago sucked. To the credit of Germany, they were kindly victors. They comforted the team after they were crushed so terribly.

Either way, this was just terrible. I am selling the story as a screenplay to Hollywood. It will be entitled Pele's nightmare. While I have not yet cast the project, the sound track will be the crying of Brazilian fans as their team tanks it on the field.

Sigh Mc Sigh Sigh. Today I will be covering the Argentina v. Netherlands game on Ranter. Follow my completely biased commentary by downloading it on iphone and Android. Toodles.

A silly image after such carnage and tragedy.