Block, Bitches

One thing about facebook is you get some of the best and worst friend suggestions. Today was one of those days. I got a friend suggestion of someone who can never safely be in my life again. I just wanted to send facebook a memo, "You fucked up, facebook!"

Seeing this person made me ill. I don't get upset anymore, just ill. They did a lot of terrible things to me. Time and time again, I assured myself they were unsafe because they were back on the drugs. Maybe they were unsafe because they didn't get the proper help for their other psych related issues. I also told myself maybe they had changed. Although in the past year the reports I have heard have suggested otherwise.

The last time this person sent me a text, I was watching Live PD with a friend. I saw it and screamed, "MUTHERFUCKER!!"

Needless to say I tried to throw my phone. My friend instead suggested blocking this person's number. Let's just say, when the number was blocked, his dog ran over to me and jumped on my lap. When there is a cute dog sitting on your lap, you can't be angry. It's a sin. Plain and simple.

A few minutes later, I was playing fetch with a terrier like nothing ever happened.

I thought of that and blocked this idiot again. It felt good. My friend is in another state and so is his dog. But I already feel better. There are birds chirping outside my window, I just had a late lunch, and am getting ready to do an assignment for graduate school. I am also getting ready to reapply my lipstick, a new shade matter of fact.

Like nothing ever happened.

Check me out

Seasonal Maladjustment and Other Business

If you have ever walked the tight rope known as 12 Step and self-help, you know about HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. They should highlight Tired. I make all my terrible decisions when I am tired. Once when I was tired I withdrew my rent out of the wrong bank account putting myself almost 2 grand in the red. It was bad. I had to call my mom like an asshole.

Yes, nothing says asshole like calling your mom to tell her what a fucktard you have been as an adult. But moms are moms. They are always there like parachutes to rescue and hot air balloons to lift you up.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.

Work was busy before leaving NYC for Christmas. Then during Christmas my mom was sick, so I couldn't rest as much because she needed the assistance. I would have been a complete asshole if I wouldn't have stepped up. How many times has my mom stepped up for me? Plus the docs feared she had pneumonia which is no joke. Needless to say I didn't get much rest during the holiday.

Then I was in Vegas working and rehearsing for the APAP showcase performance of The Lady and President Tramp. It was rehearse, rewrite, rinse, repeat. In between I was getting threats on twitter and the venue was getting threats too. Never a dull moment.

Then I went to APAP, did some reporting for Clyde Fitch, did my showcase.....success.

However, the next few days were spent trying to recover. I got onstage right away and thought I was okay. But then I couldnt sleep. I tried but my phone buzzed, people called. I found a new Lifetime movie. I was too wired to sleep.

Finally Friday I forgot what time zone I was in. I forgot my groceries at the supermarket. I dropped my keys on my front stoop and left them outside. I got into a fight with someone I care about who's my heart in a lot of ways. When I say fight it was a big fight......so big I didn't know if they would be talking to me the next day.

Luckily Tylenol PM was to the rescue. I slept until almost noon when my landlord woke me up to tell me he made too much coffee. And then he told me about his latest UFO theory. I managed to complete my errands the next day without dying or falling asleep on my feet. Bonus, I knew what time zone it was.

Yesterday, I managed to patch things up with the person I cussed out who compared me to an infant throwing a tantrum.....ouch, and they were even kind enough to laugh me off.

Either way, I got some decent rest this weekend and put in some self-care. Now to get my show back up again, find a pianist, enter it into festivals, and make some videos. Oh you got to eat that elephant one bite at a time. Did I mention I am releasing a calendar and book?

Sigh, no rest for the weary. 

Self Care

I have been working myself to the bone as of late. Last Monday I worked, worked, worked. And then had some errand to do that night that was work related. Then Tuesday I worked as well. Wedesday I shot a pilot all day which meant I WORKED. Thursday I did lots of duty with the telegrams which meant I WORKED. Friday night I WORKED and Saturday I emceed a Democratic fundraiser for a candidate which meant I WORKED. Sunday I was recording my audiobook and we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but yes I have been WORKING.

In between my working I was drinking a lot of coffee and not eating for as many as fifteen hours. When I did eat it was pure junk like donuts and cookies and pretzels. I was so charged from the coffee and sugar I ate I began walking everywhere. As in from my street to West 3rd. Translated, my blood was so wired I didnt require food cause of all the sugar and caffeine and didnt even feel the tired. However, I turned into a mega bitch.

Let's see. April's greatest hits included a near street fight with an idiot who used her kid to cut in line. Another near street fight with an idiot who opened his umbrella too close to my eyes. And then a third clash with a kid who was being a tool somewhere at some theatre who was just being a tool cause that's what he did.  I should have walked away but I screamed, "Asshole, don't you own a television. Everyone knows me and my puppet babies!" I should have gotten an award for holding it together......not. Needless to say he was quite stunned.

Soon after I spoke to my sister about my work load and she said, "That's a lot of work. I feel tired just listening." Meanwhile this is someone who is training to be an ER doc and spends nine hours on her feet.

When Monday came I was so exhausted I could barely move. I had been on so many trains and buses I felt myself moving. I felt depressed for no reason. Meanwhile I was on TV again, have been twice in the past two weeks with my puppet children-two different programmes. Not to mention my book is one step closer to being in a major chain and oh, my book was also reviewed my Mensa. Not to mention I am working with an excellent composer on my musical. Did I mention I have been recognized from being on TV? People write me fan letters. McBlah blah!

I spent the morning crying for no reason whatsoever. I had no reason to cry. I am working so I have money. My rent is almost 2/3s paid for the month already. I am doing fine and many would want to be in my shoes. Yet when I hung out on facebook I saw people posting their good news and all I could think was fuck you fuckin fucks. I got some coffee and breakfast and felt immediately better. And then convinced the whole world hated me because I had acted like an outraegous fucktard the week before I was looking behind me to make sure I didnt get shot.

I ended up going to the pool where I saw not one but two of my friends and went on a very therapeutic swim. Not only did I suddenly feel better but I didn't feel like this outraegous failure that no one wanted or loved. That evening, I had a booking that got cancelled and then hung out with friends.

Tuesday however, I was back to bitch mode. I woke up again in the morning crying and bumped my head twice and cried again. After that I did my two deliveries, clutch. That's when I visited a woman who is like my mom in Brooklyn, yelled at her, and she said, "Maybe you need to visit your mom. Seriously, you are out of control. You need some sleep."

The next day my mom called and I lied and said I was fine. My mom can always tell when I am lying though. Anyway I took a breath, messaged her, and then said I wanted to come home. I ended up having a mini breakdown on the phone where I told her that I hadnt been eating at all, was walking everywhere, and was TIRED. I also confessed I had been acting like a heel and she said, "I know you have. I have seen you like this and I know how you behave when you get in this state."

My mom is a trainer and exercise psysiologist and we discussed my diet and how to improve it. We both agreed that my diet was probably why I was melting down. It felt really good to get honest with my mom and it felt really good just to have her at my disposal. We also booked my plane ticket. It felt good just to talk it out.

It also made me realize how important it is to eat well. As my career picks up my schedule will only become more demanding. Someone once said, "You picked the hardest profession in the world. You don't need anymore problems." He was correct. And that is why I am saying it now in this blog, health and nutrition are no joke. The food pyramid is not there for decoration. In addition, you are never alone in this world. You have your friends and family. I also realized how easy it is for me to be a megabitch when I am alone and tired.

This week I have been eating better. I am just as busy but I am thinking much more clearly. I am also not compacting everything at once. I scored a job Sunday so I am moving my recording to Monday. I had a job today and had to take a train so I didnt take one that cut so close so I would be running. I also took the night off tonight so I could relax. I might take a bath and am currently watching a movie. I also am speaking to my composer Monday. That way I could do my job today, do the prep before hand, and then didnt have to rush him off the phone.

It is amazing how much better I feel when I take care of myself. I go from feeling ungrateful and overworked to being grateful that I am a working entertainer in the greatest city in the world. I also am happy for my sister who matched at Vanderbuilt for emergency medicine and my brother who matched at UConn for pediatriac medicine instead of pissed that the world is leaving me behind. I also feel happy for people who get good news whether it is a TV series or show rather than pissed that they have gotten something I never thought I wanted but suddenly I wanted at that moment. It's because I realize I am not a loser. I am someone in the lane, fighting the good fight, and running with the winners so I can be happy for other winners. It is amazing what a difference a hot meal and a good night's sleep makes.

Hungry and tired are no joke. But now I feel more relaxed. I think I will replace my snarl with a smile.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN