Block, Bitches

One thing about facebook is you get some of the best and worst friend suggestions. Today was one of those days. I got a friend suggestion of someone who can never safely be in my life again. I just wanted to send facebook a memo, "You fucked up, facebook!"

Seeing this person made me ill. I don't get upset anymore, just ill. They did a lot of terrible things to me. Time and time again, I assured myself they were unsafe because they were back on the drugs. Maybe they were unsafe because they didn't get the proper help for their other psych related issues. I also told myself maybe they had changed. Although in the past year the reports I have heard have suggested otherwise.

The last time this person sent me a text, I was watching Live PD with a friend. I saw it and screamed, "MUTHERFUCKER!!"

Needless to say I tried to throw my phone. My friend instead suggested blocking this person's number. Let's just say, when the number was blocked, his dog ran over to me and jumped on my lap. When there is a cute dog sitting on your lap, you can't be angry. It's a sin. Plain and simple.

A few minutes later, I was playing fetch with a terrier like nothing ever happened.

I thought of that and blocked this idiot again. It felt good. My friend is in another state and so is his dog. But I already feel better. There are birds chirping outside my window, I just had a late lunch, and am getting ready to do an assignment for graduate school. I am also getting ready to reapply my lipstick, a new shade matter of fact.

Like nothing ever happened.

Check me out

Going Down (Bruce Springsteen)

Men are predictable creatures and they love it when women fight over them. I discovered that hard and fast when I was 21. The more you are willing to cat fight, the more it shows you really care.

My man at the time, Sean and I, had just discovered Myspace. He proposed on the 3rd date and I said yes. What could possibly go wrong? Sure, we had enough issues for several subscriptions, mostly for several months worth of 12 Step Meetings and then some. Hell, if we were a drag family our house name would be Cocodependence.

Anyway, Sean had been looking up his old girlfriends. One was a high school sweetheart who he had drawn blood with, because it was clear everyone here was about good decisions. I asked Sean if he wanted to friend her and he said he wasn't sure. I said Sadie had meant a lot to him and it would hurt me. Sean promised not to.

Well Sean lies of course. And he friends Sadie. We got into fight number one. Sean tells me that at this point in her life she is a single mom who had a kid with a guy she is on again/off again with. She lives in her mom's basement and is much "huskier" than she was in high school. Sadie apparently is still working at the same day care center too. Needless to say he assures me she isn't a threat.

Sadie has other ideas. She starts posting shamelessly on Sean's wall. It's like several times a day every damn day. While I began to doubt her work at the daycare center, I also was getting pissed off at the nerve of this woman. Sean swore up and down he told her about me. But words are useless to a woman who's determined. We had another fight.

At this point it was becoming utterly apparent Sean and I were far from compatible. Nonetheless, we persisted. A third fight erupted when Sadie hijacked his blog. Sean also let it eek that Sadie was back with her baby daddy, Rob. However, she was unhappy and wanted out of her house, her job, and her relationship. She pitched it to Sean to rescue her. We had another fight where I told him it was Sadie or I. Sean, being a man and all about seeing his penis hard, said he wasn't choosing.

So I decided not to be so paranoid and sent Sadie a friend request. If she was just Sean's friend as he insisted, she would have no problem. I went to Sadie page and she was a fan of the Backstreet Boys to the point where I could swear in a court of law that she broke them up. Sadie did not accept my friend request.

There was an event in town and Sean let it slip that he invited her and he was afraid she was going to show up. Now I was done. This was the fight to end all fights. I told him it was Sadie or me. Sean said Sadie wouldn't leave him alone and that I could talk to her. I was ready to claw this bitch's eyes out. I sent her the nastiest, hate laden message ever. Sadie replied back. She claimed Sean had told her I had issues with them still talking and she had offered to back off several times, but Sean told her not to worry about it.

Sean denied this and sent her a nasty message. He then disfriended her. I was livid over the backbone this bitch had. The nerve. I remember kvetching to a friend at the time who looked at me and said, "Why are you saying shit about a woman you never met?"

"Cause she's a cunt who needs to get her own life, her own man, and stop stealing mine."

My friend then said something, "Here's this asshole, he's got two women fighting over him. You're going after her. That's what he wants. Because it takes the attention off of him being a jerk. As far as I see it, he's the problem."

BAM!

My friend's words entered my brain. That worthless waste of space had been playing us both. He had lied from the beginning about friending her, and then was talking about me behind my back. I confronted Sean and he tried to back up his behavior by claiming Sadie's family had been nice to him when he had no one because his mom was married to a junkie at the time. I didn't care. I was fucking done.

I continued to pick fights about Sadie whenever I wanted, and Sean continued to sit in the dog house. The trust was gone, and I just wanted to torture his ass. Each time he did something I didn't like I assured him he could always call Sadie. She would take him back. Needless to say, as our other issues became harder to combat let alone deny, Sadie became a more frequent excuse to fight.

Sean then informed me I was "abusive." To which I replied, "Mutherfucker, I wouldn't be abusing you if you weren't such a worthless liar."

Other problems became harder to overcome, such as Sean's reluctance to work and his willingness to have me support him. Additionally, Sean was pressuring me to drop out of college and move into his mother's basement. Someone had to start making good decisions and it wasn't going to be him. So I ended the relationship.

To no one's shock the break up was terrible. Sadie of course sent me a hate note or five. I thought about tearing into her, but instead I blocked her. By this time, I knew Sean was the problem. For as cheap as the shots that she took at me were, I knew Sean was also giving her the ammo. I also began to pity her, because clearly her life was so empty she needed to do the bidding for a high school boyfriend, and clearly she expected a man with nothing going for him to rescue her. My friend was right, this asshole was the problem.

If I could go back in time I would have said to him, "You want to contact Sadie, go right ahead mutherfucker. You both live in your mother's basement and have a problem telling the truth. I think you are a match made in heaven. You're her problem now."

These days I don't throw down over a man for anything. In the end, it just stroke his member.......I mean ego. And it gives a liar and game player control. It's not worth it, especially since they all have the same toy and do the same two tricks. Babe, if you are willing to fight for him, he's all yours. You might think you are hot shit because I got nothing and you have him. Well nothing is better than the asshole you are pitting yourself against another woman for. Just saying.
buy my shit

The Last 24

The last 24 hours have been very trippy, almost like a strange experience with acid but not quite. I have been extremely busy as of late. One getting the show mounted. Getting up. Working. Trying not to die being me. The usual.

Wednesday night I did a bud's show. I was tired but one thing is I am good on my feet. I have gotten even better this year as I have disciplined myself with my craft in a way I have not in a while. So as I performed I went on a rant about Snapped. The crowd dug it.

Needless to say someone there captured it on video. They tweeted it. The narrator of Snapped got a kick out of my little rant. Watch here https://www.facebook.com/eddie.jones.395891/videos/10155552444997814/

However, the fun on social media was just beginning. Thursday night, as I was doing some publicity for my show, I was minding my own business just tweeting something. Through my efforts I have over 20K followers and am working on getting my account verified.

Anyway, out of no where Roseanne Barr attacks me. Yes, the Roseanne. She begins ripping into me. I didn't agitate her. As I said I was minding my own business in the twittersphere. Anyway, she is attacking me for no reason. So I start to fire back just to defend myself.

As if that's not enough, she starts liking and retweeting my tweets as she is fighting with me. I am like WTF is going on. And then she just blocks one of my followers for telling her off. The bitch is off her rocker. So she calls me a troll. I tell her pot calling the kettle black. She calls me a name. I tell her that's funnier than the time she falsely accused her family of molesting her. She takes several minutes to get back to me. Yeah, I went low but she kind of deserved it. In between I also brought up her horrendous rendition of the national anthem.

After which she says something else and I remind her she's out of work, that's why she can fight with me. Then she quotes my profile, and I tell her that she was better when Tom Arnold was writing for her.

BAM!

Roseanne blocks me.

It wasn't me reminding her of her false incest claim. Nope. Not even the fact she wasn't working. It was Tom Arnold. That was the knockout punch.

Sigh. When she blocked me I tweeted, "I was just blocked by Roseanne Barr. Now I have to explain to a whole generation who Roseanne Barr is."

Today a comedian friend told me she too was blocked by Ms. Barr. I think a lot of people are. My manager said he would have been more impressed if I got into a twitter fight with someone relevant.
Still, it was kind of funny.

Only on twitter

Only in America

Only in the 21st Century.

Oh Lordy Lordy Lordy 

Hate Speech

The other day I was perusing facebook like I typically do. I had been down and out with the stomach flu. The week before had been spent at my cousin's wedding, and then on the plane to Las Vegas acting as credentialed press for the Presidential Dates with Donald J. Tramp. Things were shaping up fabulously.

Then I woke up Tuesday morning feeling dizzy. I figured I was tired and got a glass of water. Next thing I know the contents of my stomach are spewing everywhere. For the next several hours I couldn't keep anything down. Not water. Not coffee. Nothing. The next call was to my mom. Then to my sister Skipper. She said to take it easy, rest. This wasn't going to kill me, just be annoying for the next 24, 48 hour time span.

So I decided to see what my friends were up to. One is a guy I will call Mike Spratt. Supposedly, Mike was involved with the mafia back in the day, or that is at least what he likes to tell people. Apparently Mike became hooked on coke and dope, and found the message of God and recovery through AA. Dedicated to his sobriety, Mike attended 3 meetings a day every day, and church daily as well. When he wasn't drinking the kool-aid instead of the booze, Mike was trying to get his own reality show. This is how I met him, for better or for worse.

Mike had come to a comedy show of mine once. He came with another guy he met from his meetings. Mike informed me that his psychic powers had guided him to me, and God told him specifically I needed saved. (What could possibly go wrong?)

The waitress then told Mike and his friend he had to order two drinks. Mike's friend, a nondrinker, ordered a bottle of water and didn't want to make a scene. On the other hand, Mike began to verbally berate the waitress for making him drink. He was in recovery. How could she? When the waitress and Mike's friend explained that he could order a nonalcoholic drink, he got more belligerent. The club manager not only banned Mike from ever entering the venue again, but encouraged me never to invite him to future shows. I felt that this was a wise decision.

Fast forward. Years later, despite his claims, Mike never got a reality television show. Seems like The Long Island Medium had more star power. However, Mike had decided to become political. Since the start of this election, his posts have shifted from the eccentric orders from God to just plain vile. Each week, they have been getting more and more disturbed. In each post, he has been talking about how the Jews and Muslims have declared war on The White Christian Male. Yes, I was at the meeting last week. They are plotting against you and you alone.

This latest post was the straw that broke the camel's back. In it, Mike spoke about how the Muslims were infiltrating the government. He believed Barack Obama was a Muslim, and wanted to make Islam the official religion of America. Mike also said Nancy Pelosi had secretly converted to Islam, and was secretly hiring members of Isis as spies on all the Christians. After which Mike insisted that when Muslims prayed, they were really praying to Satan. Now, Salmon Rushdi called, he wants his idea back, idiot.

The end of his post called for a holy war against Muslims.

This wasn't just paranoid bordering on delusional. It was dangerously removed from reality in every way. Actually, it made me sick to read. In anger, I responded, "You should go back to drinking, you sounded better on the sauce."

Then I knew I was sinking to his level. I would never get through. So I blocked him. Still, it made me glad both candidates were travelling with security. People are too crazy right now. Words sometimes are not just words. We dismiss them as just that, and then the individual spewing the hate does something drastic.

Clearly my pal Mike Spratt has more going on than being an ex drunk who's hooked on God. He needs mental help from real professionals outside of church basements. Hopefully those are just words, but also, hopefully someone else sees his ramblings and gets him help before it's too late.