Sunday, June 17, 2012

My Dad Says the Darnest Things

In honor of Father's Day, there's are direct quotes from my Pops:

10. “Bottom line, Mitt Romney is a poser. He never did mission work. He lived in a condo with a manservant. That says poser all over it.”
9. Me: “Rick Perry is anti-American, Anti-Gay, and Anti-Woman.”
    Dad: “Honey, Rick Perry is so stupid he is lucky he knows how to breathe. He just stands there during the debates like duh, duh, duh.”
8. “Kids, smoking is bad for you. It’s like having a cake and taking a shit in the middle of the cake. If I ever catch you smoking, I will take this board and beat your ass, understand?”
7. One time my dad cooked for my mom for Mother’s Day. He attempted scrambled eggs and this is what happened
Brenna: “Dad, there are shells in these eggs.”
Dad: “Just shut up and eat them.”
6. “A liar can never be trusted. He who lies in big things lies in small things. And if you associate yourself with a liar, you are a liar by association. Got it kids?”
5. “Kid, your grades were bad this term. You are sucking bottom. Look on the bright side though, I am sucking bottom with you.”
4.  My dad’s advice to me after breaking up with an ex of mine who couldnt stop lying,“April, let that loser you seeing go wherever he is going, because frankly, he doesn’t even know where he is going.”
3. My Dad after I broke up with my lawyer boyfriend: “April, to tell you the truth I don’t like most lawyers. They are mentally unstable, are lousy with money, and I can’t stand them and I am one. You need an accountant. They have a job, are good with money, and aren’t idiots.”
2.” Kids, when someone won’t work, wears a toupee, has glue on chest hair, and wears gold chains, that is someone you should never date let alone marry. Understand?”
1.” Kids, when someone says no one understand them, it means they are an asshole and everyone knows it.”

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