All In the Draw of the Cards (Kim Carnes)

One of the survival jobs I have had over the years is I am a palm/tarot card reader. Most recently, I scored a gig where I read for a few hours a few days a week. For the most part it's pretty chill and I like most of the people I read for. Actually, it has been an honor to read for several who just inspire me to continue to follow my dreams even in slow season because they ask me about the future of theirs. It has also been a reward to help people remember they deserve love and happiness. But then we get people who probably need more help than I am qualified to give.

Enter Virginia. This woman, who apparently has been to every psychic in the store, wanted a reading with me because we had never met. A life coach with her own business, Virginia has blood red hair, probably dyed from the blood of an ex or her cat that she killed.

Virginia: Ask the cards, what is the future of my business? It's been slow. Will things turn around?

I turn the cards. It is a bunch of cups, swords, and death.

Me: These aren't great cards, but it means things could still turn around if you have a new strategy like a marketing plan and also budget/save your money. That way you have resources for a rainy day.

Virginia: When will money come in?

Me: The cards don't give dates or times but soon. Summer is going to be over, people will come back from vacation. The cards are telling you to make a business plan. There is a lesson in all of this.

Virginia: I can ask my Sugar Daddy for the money. Will Ike my Sugar Daddy give me the money? We are in a sub/dom relationship. He says he is getting sick of bailing me out financially.

I turn the cards again. Cups are in the middle which according to the cards means yes. Outcome isn't so great but hey.

Me: It shows your sugar daddy will give you the money, but you mentioned him before and he seems like a jerk honestly. Why not look into a marketing plan because this seems to be a pattern. I'm not just saying it but the cards are too.

Virginia: I don't have time for that. I need a solution now. You know what I can do. I can do magic, that's what I can do.

Me: I don't think you need to do magic. I think you need to wait the slow season out and relax. The cards are telling you that and so am I. See, no magic necessary.

Virginia: I have done magic before and it has worked.

I nod unsure of what to say/do.

Virginia: You don't believe me? Well I can do magic! Trust me, I can do magic and it has worked many times. Lady, I can do magic. I can do magic so good I am better than David Copperfield.

I nod still unsure of what to say or do.

Virginia: I can do magic. And if you don't believe me ask the cards. They know my magic works. Cards, should I do magic?

I ask the cards. We get a bunch of swords which aren't good news. The cards agree with me. This idea is cat shit crazy.

Virginia: Oh I know the cards and these aren't good. Ask them again if my magic will work. Hey, you haven't seen anything until you have seen me do magic.

I flip the cards. Note, in old Gypsy tradition it is said if you ask the cards the same question twice they get mad.

Cards: Did we stutta mutherfucka? And who would go to life coaching from you. Bitch, you cray cray.

Me: The cards are saying you can do magic and they apologize for doubting you. I also apologize for doubting you too.

My buzzer goes off.

Me: Your time is up. Pay out front.

Virginia: Oh I can do more time.

Me: Great.

Cards: NOOOOOOO!!!!! Haven't we suffered enough.

To Be Continued

Eight of Swords

Sometimes in life you feel stuck and you don't know why. That is what they say the Eight of Swords is. This card is appropos because lately I have felt stuck and uncertain. I felt after all this time I should be further along, know more, have more money, be more successful you know the whole kitten caboodle. Not to mention the direction of my career has changed quite a bit. Years ago it was looking like standup was the way I was going to go and I was actually pretty good at it. There were some events that happened that I won't go into and I got tired. But other things happened. I got on TV and then hosted online and then made music that got on internet radio and then wrote a book and then elected to use a shitload of bad grammar.

I always feel that this time of year. I felt it back in 2009 especially when I had been on Rachael Ray and we all know how that turned out. It was a TV appearance people give me street cred for but I was a mino swimming with the sharks on that one. Anyway I just remember relentlessly touring that summer and all the shitty hotel rooms I stayed in, one even had a blood covered blanket. That fall I just got tired of the grind and began to melt down. So I began producing my one woman shows. That lead to others and than videos.

I remember I was resting on my laurels quite a bit though. At the time, 2010, I was hosting a mic at a club that was working me to death. While I was being short ended I didnt care. It gave me a chance to do my own thing, get stage time, get other spots. Sure I could have done better. But everything changed when Chacho died. I always cite his death with just changing everything. When he passed I suddenly realized how incredibly stuck I was. I had been comfortable dwelling on the bottom, spending my time in basements with dreams going nowhere. Chacho's whole life he had dressed in clothing that cost as much as a Manhattan studio despite being homeless. He had gotten blackmarket plastic surgery to look beautiful. While his antics made me chuckle when he lived whether it was sex with the nearest stranger, his attempts to score a rich boyfriend, or letting me know the various places he had done the nasty. But when he passed Chacho made me realize something. He made me realize he did the things he did because he desperately wanted to be someone. Sure, Chacho was dead, but I was still here. Therefore I had a shot. Chacho would have wanted me to take that shot.

Right after Chacho died I remember talking with one of the managers at my former club. He told me sometimes I had to settle. I remembered Chacho who would never carry a Chinatown ripoff. Chacho would do whatever he had to do to get the Louis Vuitton even if he didnt eat for a few days. Then it occurred to me for as crazy as my buddy was, he never settled. Despite his faults, and trust me he had many, my buddy was very strong in one area that I had no strength at all in. Whether it was the rich boyfriend, the look, or the attitude he never went less than all the way. I realized that I was settling and I was going to die if I stayed where I was.

Chacho and I didnt part on good terms. Some of it was his fault, actually most of it, because he was a drug user. While Chacho made his choices there was a part of me that felt maybe if I was a better friend he would have finally gotten clean. That's not the way it works though. I loved him just not what he was doing. So I decided because I never got to tell him I loved him and not what he was doing to himself, I would dance as fast as I could twisting in the wind. Unlike my deceased friend it wouldn't be towards drugs or unhealthy men but rather towards a positive goal. I know if I were to see Chacho now we would be cool. But if I wanted to make an amends to my boy this was how to do it.

Shortly thereafter my puppet children and I got on TV and the the flood gates started to open to more and more TV time. I always say these things were Chacho's passing gifts to me. I don't know if they were for sure but hey, it's what I like to believe in my twisted head. In that year I did more than I had in the past several. I got on TV once, twice, three, four, like eight times and then two more times. I was on a highly trafficked web series. I made music. I also took some of the first steps to publish. The world was my oyster it seemed. Did I mention I dated a celebrity? Werq it girl as they would say in the balls.

Over time things got better. Last year I got a hit on the internet with "Stay." Then I published my book which Joe prodded me to write but that is a different blog altogether. It seemed like I was a wrecking ball with all this momentum. Britney Spears plugged my book on her site. Mensa said it was a must read. Brown decided to carry it in their bookstore. It is available on Amazon, Kindle, Nook, and BarnesandNoble.com. And in between I recorded an audiobook that will be available shortly and met Deborah Harry. I also believe my sound engineers are the best. And I shot a TV pilot.

But then I got into this rut where I got stuck. There has just been a lot going on lately as you know if you have been reading my blog.

I remember just feeling depressed for almost these past two weeks. Where to go next? What to do? Do I try to get an acting agent? Do I pursue the standup with the vigor I did as a younger person, battling out like a scorpion for spots? Do I try to sell my book to be a screenplay? Do I webcast? Do I record an album? I had no idea where I was going. Despite my TV time, my book, and my other accomplishments I felt lost as ever.

Sunday was especially hard. I went to the studio and had a hard time focusing cause I was just spinning so fast. Some of it was that I was antsy because I just wanted to get this done and the self-centered fear that my sound engineers are sick of me. Plus it was literally the hot dude parade in the studio Sunday. I found myself chuckling because Chacho would have been going crazy too. There is this hottie with a bunch of tattoos and piercings that always hangs out. Luckily he wasnt there otherwise I would have totally been bouncing off the wall. Archie and Anthony, who havent slept in days and are probably quite tired not just of my bizarre Mae West/Minnie Mouse/Cyndi Lauper sounding voice as well as tired in general and in no way would have been equipped to handle April in heat but I digress. Actually Chacho and I would have been fighting over the hot new intern.....

Sunday I found myself speaking of Chacho for the first time in quite a while. A friend of mine mentioned he carried two phones and told some story about how even though Chacho had stopped selling drugs when I knew him he still carried three phones. The story was cute and funny. And then I realized that again, we would be fighting over the same guy.

Then Monday night I found myself back at an old haunt of mine, Jimmy's No. 43. I got to see Jimmy Carbone again, who owns the bar and gave me a chance when I was just a nubling starting out. Jimmy was one of the few people who was kind to me when no one was. I caught up with Jimmy which was fun and made me feel good. Plus Jimmy bought a copy of my book and told me about the summer reading series he was hosting as well as his beer podcast. Love my Jimmy. Also took part in Pop Culture Fondue, a cool new show. It wasnt just fun but I loved the people, and it made me realize how much I really just love making people laugh and smile. While I get caught up in the shit called standup comedy politics and the stupidity involved in the business of show, I sometimes forget I live like a pauper in a house of squalor cause I love what I do.

Yesterday I chucked my pride and ego and did an open mic. While I deplore paying for stage time it was a friend's mic and plus it is always fun when I go, and you do get supportive and honest feedback. When I went I saw my buddy and had a great time onstage. Sure I didnt kill it like I had the night before but I just talked about my uber-dysfunctional family. I had fun and have some good new things there. Afterwards I spoke to my buddy who is folding his mic and passing it on to a promising new comedian who is not only very funny but very hardworking. During our convo, this friend who has always supported me told me he found himself doing more producing than performing, and decided that was not why he got into comedy. He had done it long enough, paid his dues, did his thing, and now it was time to get on TV. He deserves it. I found myself talking about what happened after Chacho died for the first time in forever.

On my walk to the subway I saw someone who looked familiar. His head was shaved and he was dapper. Behind his ears were three blue Russian stars. I would have known that tattoo anywhere, the blue stars outlined with a bizarre mix of fire engine red and Halloween orange. I found myself mouthing, "Chacho." But then I realized it couldnt be. Chacho is kinda cold and dead. And the guy turned around and I saw it was not my boy. However, it hit me. My friend was sending me a message from the after life. There was a reason he has been on my mind as much as he has been lately. My friend's spirit is around me and he is letting me know it. I have been stuck and depressed. Chacho is letting me know to keep dancing, keep daring, and not to settle. And for Godssakes to throw some shade. While we are there, I have a feeling he gave me a little attitude because I found myself wanting to strut down the street suddenly. Or maybe it was a hot day and guys were cat calling me.

Actually, that might not be true and I might be totally out of my mind. Wait, I am a ventriloquist, that has already been established. The intellectual in me says there is no evidence of an afterlife or soul. It is the thing humans lean on in times of need. It is the opium of the people. But the artist and dreamer inside of me would like to believe it though. Either way, it made me feel good and I don't feel so stuck anymore.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

The Moon

One of my side jobs is reading palms and tarot. I rarely talk about it or do it for that matter, because once you profess that you can read palms or tarot you are subject to all sorts of crap. There are the people who say, “If you can read palm or tarot when will I win the lotto?” Or they tell you no for the sake of telling you no. Worse yet, you are hitting the nail on the head and they want to know answers to heavy questions like the health of a loved one.

Or then there is the classic, “Why can’t you see into your own damn future?”

That’s a good question. Wish I could. When one reads their own cards they cannot see clearly. It can drive a person nuts. For example, the Romani woman who taught me the ins and outs of reading people is currently homeless because she couldn’t see that her landlord was crazy, however, she helped one woman through a terrible divorce and saw that her husband was going to drag her through the mud.

But I wish I could see into my own future. Then I wouldn’t be questioning what to do next. There is the acting track. While I went to school for it and have been doing more of it this past year than ever, there are many women who are actresses in this city and many who are gorgeous and talented. Not to mention they want someone who is straight theatre, even though I can act better than a lot of those bitches. Still, boring and hollow is what they want sometimes. Make that stupid, boring and hollow women.

Of course there is the comedy track, the one I used to give my life and youth to. After being fucked over by a club I made a lot of money for and put their name front and center on The Today Show (would love to see their headlines do that), they fired me. Plus no bigger clubs opened the doors to me, and I was shunned in a community I so thought I was a part of. I am really past the point where I should be paying for stage time and am definitely passed bringing. While I love performing live and I am good at it, I always leave pissed. I would love to see some of these (predominately male) comedians who appeared on some stupid assed cancelled show get as much TV time as my puppet children and I. What I am trying to say is, it would take a lot for me to return like I once did to comedy, aka a promising TV spot and the need to prep. Otherwise, I have better things to do with my time. God I could go on all day.

Then there is music, a door that opened wide for me this past year. “Stay” was number one this past week on FJS Radio. After charting number one on a highly regarded indie station, I don’t know what to do next. Heck, before I even recorded “Stay,” I had “Jungle Woman,” “Shuttlecock,” and “Ms. Wannabe” getting indie airplay as well. While I have worked for years as a singing telegram person, I never dreamed of recording music and putting it on the airwaves. Now I have a song that charted. I am literally feeling my way in the dark, not knowing what to do next. While “Stay,” is getting airplay and charting online, I want it to go on Billboard. I don’t know what to do. On the other hand, I also know that there are many pursuing music who actually can sing rings around me and can play instruments. While I can sell a song better than anyone I know, there are those like my cousin Bobby Kircher who master an instrument the second they pick it up because they are so gifted. I know I am just a reality star trying to gain momentum for my puppet children and I. People like my cousin will trump me any day, as they should, and that’s fine; they have the gift.

Of course there is the idea of getting on Reality TV again. My puppet children and I do love our spotlight. However, I don’t want to become a Reality TV jumper. There are many people who only set out to be reality stars now, and many actually nauseate me. The women are vapid and believe they can sing, only to trill off tune. If I did a reality show, it would have to be geared towards people like me, not some flipped out challenge.

Then there was the web jockey gig I had. While that ended, well, the way it ended, I have been approached by their rival network time and time again. Sure, it is a better deal and gives me more freedom of speech, plus they like my puppet children, they have not talked about money. It’s their fancy way of getting out of paying me. I would love to web jockey again, but I want to be paid well and be on a network that supports me, and gives me support when there are cyber bullies in the chat. Not a place where they cut out the mods and stop advertising to cut costs. Not to mention not a place that wants to hide my show because we are not sponsor friendly aka we have gay people.

There is the writing road which is opening up. My editor is a nice lady, and there have been some delays on my manuscript due to her familial emergencies. However, I am looking forward to having my ebook published. I also have recently gotten another offer to write a YA, Young Adult, book. We are still ironing out the details like money and plot. I think once I am a published novelist doors will open for me. Just like my performance, my writing is not for everyone so beware.

Lets not forget modeling. But most of the time they only want you if you are five seven or have big tits. And if you are asked to shoot topless they don’t want to pay you. That’s the kind of gig that could end up with a girl on a meat hook.

Lastly, there are my videos. I will be making more soon. That is a promising door, I just need to get a better mic.

I entitled this blog The Moon, because the moon card is tarot means emotions are muddying your view and confusing you as where to go. It means you are questioning yourself. When the moon appears in a positive place, it means the path you have chosen is right for you, and just to follow the light of the moon. Translated, calm down.

It also signifies that sometimes, the beauty of the future is the surprise; it’s not knowing. Heck, back in 2007, the surprise was that May and I were on Last Comic Standing. Then in 2008, the surprise was that my Rachael Ray clip made the Soup. While it seemed humiliating at the time, it actually was  a blessing in disguise, because it gave more momentum to the TV appearance. In 2009, the blessing was being called to shoot a promo for Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Not only did my part make the cut, but I got to meet and work with Jeff Foxworthy who was wonderful. Then when 2010 came, the surprise was breaking away from standup a bit, branching out, and making my little puppet videos with celebrities. I also spent that summer writing a book; one that I am now publishing. Not to mention I filmed with my puppet children and got on TLC as well as the Today Show and other programs.

Unfortunately, I didn’t see myself getting fucked over by the club I put on National TV and made so much money for.

On the other hand I made lots of videos, got a talking head gig that was paid, got music that was played on the radio, and made two more TV appearances on both the Travel Channel and Bravo. Not to mention I got to work with someone whom I admire.  Plus I became active in activism, te he he.

This past year although I left the online network and havent been doing as much comedy, I was on CBS Sports and the OWN Network. Not to mention my song charted and people write me fan mail because of my videos. Oh and I am a spokesperson for a campaign.

The beauty of all these things is that I didn’t have the script. I didn’t know and that’s what made this all more wonderful. I don’t know what is next for me but I am in a good place. I don’t know the next step, but I know with some thought and hard work the universe will send it my way. As a human, I want the answer now.

I know the moon is my card, therefore I will trust God and His magic fairy dust to guide my way. Cause the next thing, no matter what it is, will be good.

Love,

April