10 Times You've Lost Your Ability to Give Anyone Advice Ever

In life there are people who inspire. There are people we admire. And then there are people who need to stop talking forever and ever. The following examples are some such individuals who have lost their license to give any advice at any time. Although there is no law on the books prohibiting them, there should be. I know, April Brucker for President.

1. You have the names of your kids tattooed on your arm. Way to let the world know you don't pay child support.

2. You have the serenity prayer tattooed on your arm. Yes, you are still a head filled with incredibly bad decisions. Instead of the help of a crack pipe, now you have the help of a mind control cult and your Higher Power.....Go Fish!

3. You are saying that all those who live in trailer parks aren't all trash, simply because there are high end trailer parks. And you even applied to one but got rejected. There is no comeback to this anywhere, and your tongue should be cut out for making such an idiotic statement.

4. You are voting for Donald J. Trump in earnest. I used the word earnest just to confuse you.

5. You are insisting that Hooters is a family establishment.

6. You describe the kid you had as a teenager as "putting a damper on the modeling career I endeared." (It's bad enough you chose not to use protection, but now you are misusing the word endeared. There is a clear level of hell for the stupid of your phylum).

7. You take those facebook quizzes seriously. It's time to tell you Santa doesn't exist. Sorry.

8. You keep pestering your friends to play Candy Crush. You are the most hated person on the planet.

9. You deny the Holocaust and have no evidence to back yourself up other than it's a conspiracy. And then you say the Jews invented therapy. I think you need therapy and mind control drugs. They could do wonders making you into the drooling vegetable we all know you are better off as.

10. You let your kids have long, drawn out tantrums in public. We hate them just like you do. But we hate you even more. 

How Not To Get A Woman

Once I was hanging out in my deli on the corner a few years ago. No, I wasn't working as a hooker. I was getting my coffee. Anyway, I was chilling with Jackson my cabbie buddy when this dude walks in. He was young, good looking, and had skin that was as smooth as silk and black like a rare pearl. His eyes were dark and piercing. Oh and he was all rugged. While I will date anyone who is sane these days, I usually favor a darker complexion. I mean, I will date a pasty dude but we both can't look like the sun will kill us for the sake of our children is all I am saying.

Anyway Jackson had to go back to work and I was left with this dude. He started talking to me and told me he was from Ghana. Already I heard the horror stories about African men men knocking up women and leaving them with child as they raced to play Johnny Appleseed. Jamaican men are apparently worse. The crown of course belongs to the Puerto Ricans in this politically incorrect game of Maury Povich. I wasn't judging him based off of race. That is like saying all Asians are bad drivers and all Jews are cheap bastards.

So we began talking and he revealed he had two children with two different mothers back in Ghana. I was like okay. This is how the conversation went from there:

Ghana Bob: Do you have children?

Me: Hell no.

Ghana Bob: Why hell no? It is our purpose on this planet to have children.

Me: That is up for debate. I think certain people aren't designed to have children. And I actually think I would be a terrible mother.

Ghana Bob: Not if you had my baby you wouldn't.

Me: Excuse me?

Ghana Bob: Yes, I have been seeing you coming to this deli for some time. I just have the picture of the two of us. You would make a really great mother. I think you should have my baby.

I laugh nervously

Me: That is really funny.

Ghana Bob: No, I'm serious.

Me: Don't you think that this is moving a little fast? I mean, we just met.

Ghana Bob: This worked on both my children's mothers.

I get up

Me: I need to leave

Ghana Bob: Where are you going?

Me: To run far away from you and to staple my clothes onto my body in case we ever meet again.

Needless to say, that is my first and last African dude. Ghana Bob probably went to find some idiot with two brain cells in order to add a half white baby to his collection. Or an idiot from any race with two brain cells, but the idiot was probably white because white people are dumb. I of course have twelve wonderful little puppet children I am mother to that have caused me no stretch marks.

Love

April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
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Return of Ross: Dead Beat Daddy. A Must Read

Yes he did try to return. This is the text conversation bad grammar and all word for word. Remember this is a twenty nine year old loser.

Ross:I know your probly still mad @ me & that’s ok. I feel bad about how we left off & I don’t want 2 lose u as a friend. What I want to say is; I’m sorry.

Me: The only thing you are sorry about is getting caught. You are a liar and nothing you says has any validity or credibility. You have shown me who you are and now I know to believe you. I am sorry I trusted you and let you into my life. You are a snake who misrepresents himself and preys on vulnerable women. I’m sorry I didn’t know better. Now slick back your hair, strap your kiddies that you don’t acknowledge to your back, and find your next victim. You are a deadbeat and your lines won’t work here Buster. Don’t even try you grammatical and syntax nightmare.

Ross: Even if u don’t 4give me I’m alrite wit that. I wish nothing but the best 4 u and I apologize

Me: Well you should. I didn’t do anything wrong. Unfortunately your children’s mother isn’t as smart as I am. And then again I am even stupider for giving a spelling nightmare like yourself the time of day. Please tell your male support group your side of the street is clean. However they neglected to tell you that much like a magic spell, an amends must be sincere in order to work.

Ross: I am sincere,I wish, I could tell you face to face, so you know how I really feel…..

At that moment I decided I had to stop the retardation. This was like kicking a crippled puppy, at a certain point the ass beating is so severe that it isn’t even fair to continue. But this was so comical that this deadbeat reprobate thought these would be the words to win by heart and finally get in my panties. Go pay child support and stop pumping out babies you deadbeat piece of trash!