Showing posts with label blake mallen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blake mallen. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Random Screenshots and Important Annoucements

Hey everyone, just took some random screenshots of my book. They pop up. That means the universe wants me to do something. Or in the words of my archnemesis the great anti-talent and anti-intellect Victoria Jackson, it means God is cursing me for having gay friends. Anyway, here are the announcements.

So far the book tour has two stops.

November 15 @ 7 PM The Symposia Bookstore in Hoboken, NJ

There will be a puppet show along with Q and A time.

Portion of the Proceeds go to the American Red Cross to help the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

December 27th @ 7PM Bethel Park Public Library in Bethel Park, PA

There will be a puppet show along with Q and A time.

Portion of the Proceeds will go to the American Red Cross to benefit the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

Also today I got tweeted by Blake Mallen. To give you a background Blake is one of the most promising CEOs this country has. Apparently his friend enjoyed my pink gorilla performance. That was McAwesome

Anyway, no more election talk. Let's just talk about my book and how fabulous it is.

And how I run around in awesome costumes

And how I run around with puppets and people like Jo Lance from Mexico's Top Model

Or how I sometimes hang out with Snoop Dogg

Or how I get to go on TV

Or appear in Time Out NY even though they have yet to review my book not that is is of Matthew or without Love.

Or how May Wilson is one sexy puppet bitch.

I bet Victoria Jackson wishes she were hot like that. I just sent her a hate tweet.

But nah....She ain't hot like this yo.

Anyway buy my damn book.

You should buy my book it is great.

Please buy my book?

I need to stop pleading it makes me look pathetic.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

877-Buy-Book

www.buybooksontheweb.com

Monday, October 1, 2012

Aquarium n Rides

Yesterday morning my book drama climaxed when my mom and I had a chat. I told her I was sick of talking about my book and she said she was sick of hearing about it. That's when we both agreed it was time for me to take a ride to the aquarium with my friend Bob. Plus things had gotten a little intense with someone online, and I never thought it would go there but it had. That being said I needed some fresh air.It's not that it's a bad thing, it was just a surprise.

Bob came to my house and off we went. I said to Bob, "The sky is black. Its gonna rain." Bob informed me there was no forseeable rain in the forecast. Men are oblivious. Seconds later the sky opened. Perhaps it was a better day for the aquarium rather than Coney Island.

Off we went on the D train. When we got to the aquarium we walked in and saw loads of beautiful tropical fish. These fish were so pretty it was hard to describe. I kept taking photos and Bob asked me why I kept taking photos. There were loads of families with kids,and everyone was seemingly well behaved. Bob and I wondered, "Did fish have feelings? Did they know we were talking about them?" Cats and dogs have feelings.Ghosts might or might not watch TV. Fish we are unsure of.

As we went outside we saw the sea lions, Bob's defined cats of the sea.They were rolling over, being themselves in the water. The black footed penguins poised on their little cliffs. To me I question who could hate a penguin. They are cute, fun, and always dressed in a tuxedo. However, when we got to the penguin tank they werent in the mood to dive in. Maybe I didn't like them so much cause they were being lazy.

We saw the star fish. These strange creatures were stuck on the glass. It reminded me of my baby sister's speech when she was high school valedictorian. She told her school mates that they were the lucky star fish. The speech was well-written and well delivered. I was so proud of her that day. She had her white cap, white gown, and was poised for greatness. I however could not say the same for the sea horses. They, on the other hand, simple bobbled around with no purpose whatsoever. Apparently Chinese medicine uses them as a cure for some stuff. No doctor I have ever been to has ever told me to eat a sea horse. Perhaps my brother, sister,and the rest of Brown medical school better get with the program. One fat sea horse was on the bottom of the tank. We made fun of him likening him to a fatty we both knew. Then we realized it was preggers. Oops.

After that we were off to see the sharks. All the young boys were into the sharks. I have always said men think of three things:shark week, boobs, and the NFL. This proved to be no different. One of the sharks just had a peeved look on his face like if there were no glass between us he would had eaten either Bob or I. That made me remember Blake Mallen may have ordered a pink gorilla but we would never be compatible. Blake is partial to sharks being a man and all.

After the sharks we saw the jellyfish and rays. My father was stung by a ray and had to go to the hospital to have the stinger removed from his foot. My sister was stung by a jellyfish. My family does not have good luck with ocean wildlife.

In this area of the aqua a kid began to have a meltdown. This kid was carrying on and his parents just let him. Bob remarked if that would have been his dad he would have been half way around the world. I would have gotten the smack in the head too. Kids these days have no idea of how to behave it seems, and parents no idea of how to parent. It was clear this kid was used to getting what he wanted when he did that. My dad would have said, "Crying? Sad? I'll give you something to cry about." That would have been the end.

After a bit it was Coney Time. On our way to Luna Park we were greeted by a sun shower. When we got to Luna Park we went on a coaster that spun and went fast,making our heart race. Bob moved a lil slower because of a leg injury. Then we went on the swings. Swings were Bob's idea. While they spun going high and getting slightly scary, it was a nice view of Coney. It was beautiful and freeing. After getting off the swings I was dizzy.

From there we rode this frog ride where it was more kids than us, but it was fun. Then there was the coaster that kept going that Bob and I nicknamed the ride from hell. After that we went on something that bounced and spun but the music was broken. Then there was the hang glider ride where this kid kept yelling, "Make it stop! I don't like this!!!!" Bob and I both joked we wanted to tell her, "Welcome to life."

After the ride was done the kid said, "Why is it over?" Welcome to a relationship. Welcome to the world.

We were aquariumed and Coneyed out. We were on our way to Grimaldi's when we saw a rainbow. PErfect end to a perfect day. Of course we ordered pizza with anchovies. I believe if my relationships didn't end in disaster and he wasn't so neurotic, Bob would be my soul mate. No one else like's anchovies on their pizza but the two of us and my Pops.

A rainbow denotes that despite the storm good things are coming. I feel the same way about my book and career.With that time to talk about my royalty check, my book on Amazon,and my ebook.

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

www.buybooksontheweb.com

877-buy-book

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Free Ride

Yesterday I wasn't feeling so hot. I met the girls for lunch early that morning with a du-rag on my head looking like Mr. Jinga Janga. I had curlers. I was to be MM strip to a bikini,okay Marilyn Monroe. There had been some drama with my book. Amazon was out of stock.People want to order but are scared. Got my first royalty statement but they didn't include the books sold out on Amazon so we will be chatting Monday which is cool cause I like my publisher. My ebook is behind schedule. Then there is other press related drama I will not even get into.

I got to Penn to jump on the LIRR and began to have a meltdown in the station. I am twenty eight fucking years old. Why am I not farther along in my career? Why am I not farther along in my life? Maybe I watched too many movies where it came easier for the protagonist. In the end she gets the man. Nevermind she looks like a stripper, she gets the castle. Did I mention I always secretly prayed Julia Roberts got creamed by a mac track as I got older? She made being a hooker look so glamorous and easy.

I went to try to pitch my book to a store in my spare time. The apathetic clerk who looked pissed he was probably using his Skidmore degree to ring up books said, "You have to go through a distributor." No shit Sherlock. Like I don't know that. I am an indie book. Clearly you don't own a television or computer. Otherwise you would have seen I was on Britney Spears's website, bitch! Then his partner,who probably had more of a love for the written word than pure disdain for those purchasing said, "The manger is here everyday from 9-5. They do occasionally sell indie books." He smiled at me and gave me a sticker.No matter what happens, when I am uber successful, I will remember that man.

I sometimes think I get doors slammed in my face because I am not only the only one like myself, but I am a woman. If I were a man who took the swing I did on Rachael Ray, I would be a legend. If I were a man with puppets on TLC, I would be a legend. Oh and if I were a man who wrote a book that was about to be published I would be in stores.Of course there are the whiny women's comedy collectives who moan about how comedy is a man's world. They are cliquish, obnoxious, and frankly don't even know what discrimination is first hand.

I have been bumped by lesser deserving male comedians because they had a TV credit in 2006 and it is now 2012, but apparently there hasbeen plaque has more cache because of their gender. It had nothing to do with ability or talent. Then after they have the nerve to view me as a sex object they tell me when I don't have the info on crowd work because God forbid I came from another spot they say, "Perhaps this isn't for you." I just want to say, oh really, this hasn't been for you since Last Comic Standing 4 in 2006 or something, hence last because it was the last big thing you did you washed up piece of shit. How's the day job? How's the stupid radio program you do for free?

Of course I could go on all day about the chip I have on my shoulder. On the other hand,my revenge on these simple SOBs is to have the better career. I have my list of names. When the time comes they are F-U-C-K-E-D. Same with the stupid bitches who whine about sexism and men oppressing them when they are too ugly to be discriminated against. Hey, they talk shit on Brit Brit because they could never have her career.

Then I remembered delivering a singing telegram from Blake Mallen two weeks ago. Blake is the CEO of ViSalus. To make a long story short, the order almost sent me to an early grave. They needed Scotch,then they wanted me in CT, then the guy was in NYC!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! But in the end it turned out to be one of my best deliveries ever. I got to like the mystery man I never met who lives in LA. His assistants were very nice. He thought out of the box. And on his blogs he is super motivating. I pictured Blake giving me some pump me up speech not to give up.

Suddenly I wanted Blake to pull up in his limo and take me to his private island. Screw work, screw my book, screw the world. But Blake would inform me that I had a terrible attitude. He would tell me to go for it.

Then I remembered Blake and I never met.

My train came and I got to the station early. If anyone asked my name I would tell them No One. I didn't want to engage. I felt like crying in a corner. This whole damn book thing is too much. I wondered why I couldn't be fat and whiny like the women comedians who whine about male comedians and their sexism when not even Stevie Wonder would take a stab at that thing? I wondered why I couldn't have impressive boobs and be stupid as hell and just get walk on roles like all those girls who blew their way to the top? I wondered why I couldn't be a man?

Just then a Jamaican dude asked if I needed a ride. He operated a gypsy cab. I got in and told him where to go.He informed me that the ride would be free because he was going that way anyway. For the first time in my flurry I calmed down. I had just gotten a free ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him I would be willing to give him some dough. He laughed and told me it was alright. He was headed to the airport where the real money was,and that I was to have a good night.

Maybe I have issues with my book, but my issues are exciting. Maybe I have problems, but my problems are a luxury.

The gig went swimmingly and on the way back I was recognized by a fan.

I is AWESOME!

Love April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Person

877-buy-book

www.buybooksontheweb.com