Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Deal Breaker

The last guy I dated was nice. Yes, nice. I said it. Nice like the weather. Nice like a day. Nice like a gesture gone wrong that burns down a house.


When we got together, we couldn't have been more different. Actually, we had been friends, but not terribly close, for the better part of a year. To say we had very little in common was an understatement. However, he was hot. And women are like men but don't want to admit it. We will overlook the stupidity of a dude if he is HOTTTTTTTTT.......

To give you an idea of how stupid Sam was, he was from South Jersey which says everything. Like the cast members of the Jersey Shore show, he used more hair products than I did. He also doused his body with all too much Ax Body Spray, which was just a kind way of telling me he was with because I was the first thing he could club over the head on his way back to the proverbial cave. But it was also to gently remind me that once he clubbed something else who would probably blow him on the sidewalk, I was gone.

When we went out, Sam was often late. It was because the majority of his time was spent putting endless amounts of gel in his hair, like a high school girl going on a dance date. The male version of that girl too cute to carry a backpack in high school, Sam believed intuitively to be a big word. As a matter of fact, he bragged about being able to use it in a sentence just to impress me, but then thought Benjamin Franklin was a US President at one point.  Just like a dirty old man has arm candy, Sam was my arm candy. And boy was he tasty, especially when he didn't speak around my friends!

One could say I was the man in this relationship, because Sam often liked to talk about his feelings. He was the first to say he loved me which totally weirded me out, and he got upset that I "shut down" on him and "shut him out." Did I mention he was the one who liked the cuddle? Either way, Sam was always reaffirming his male-ness by trying to be Dudley Do-Right and paying on every date, even when I suggested we take turns.

As a "smart girl" who never got a date in high school, I always have had a chip on my shoulder about that. I wasn't allowed to date as well. Both things have left me somewhat feeble in the dating department. Up to Sam and post-engagement, most of my energy had been spent on my puppets and my career.

Despite the fact his knuckles probably dragged when he walked and were somewhat bloodied at times, Sam as I said was generous. He was always there for his friends, and was always right there when I needed him.

Then again, most dumb people typically are.

Everyone questioned why we were even together, because Sam was obviously not my intellectual equal. Heck, I didn't even know. Sam typically liked his women over made up and stupid, and I was neither. It's actually more apt to say that Sam liked straight up trash from Jersey, ass hanging out over underwear, track marks, and C-Section scar on the beach in the summer.

However, I had a pad down the street where Sam hung out and he needed a place to shower while he made it his main mission to get dick suave with other girls behind my back. Okay, he wasn't that dumb. Or as my father says, "Location, location!"

Yet he couldn't successfully cheat because that involves planning. I always told him he was more than welcome to, because I saw how he oogled over other, sluttier women like pieces of steak he wanted to ravage raw. Whenever I offered to give him $20 to get out of my site and mess with someone else he would get mad. I assured him I was just helping him be an efficient dickhead. So when I say he was stupid I do not lie. Man could not even cheat successfully!

Anyway, there was a party where we were watching the first set of the Republican debates. Many of our mutual friends would be there. For the most part, many of us were just watching this battle of nitwits just to mock it. Most of us had voted for Obama not once if not twice, and some of us even voted socialist. Sam was going just to hang out. Deep opinions really weren't his thing, that would involve thought and Sam didn't do that.

We began watching, and making fun of Ted Cruz who is like the love child of Elmer Fudd. Then there was Scott Walker who was just plain repulsive, especially when he began to talk about reproductive rights. After which Marco Rubio seemed like he was almost smart, until he came out against women and gays. Rand Paul and Ben Carson were mere chorus members. And then there was Donald J. Trump.

Trump began his xenophobic rant about Muslims, terrorists, illegals, and building a wall. At that moment, Sam felt inspired. He screamed at the top of his lungs, excited, "DONALD TRUMP IS OUR NEXT PRESIDENT! HE IS THE MAN WHO CAN MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL TO KEEP THE ILLEGALS OUT AND FROM INVADING AMERICA!!!!!!"

At first we thought he was kidding, only to realize he was dead serious.

The room went silent and many of us bit our lips in horror. I got a few sympathetic glances, mostly from people of my same mind set who wondered why I let my moron talk in public. Ashamed, I looked down, horrified and embarrassed. Sam was not done. He continued, "WE NEED TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN AND GET RID THE OF MEXICANS AND TERRORISTS!"

When he got no response, sincere and full of zeal, the socially conscious simpleton I was dating bellowed, "WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL AND DONALD TRUMP IS THE MAN TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!!!"

Damn, he had been so much cuter when he had just hung on my arm, smoked a cigarette like a bad boy, and acted tough without saying a word. Now my brain ached at the thought of another moment with him. Brian, a mutual friend of ours who is a writer, made the mistake of trying to fix stupid. This is how their ill-fated exchange went:

Brian: Sam, Donald Trump wouldn't make a good president. He's not a true politician.

Sam: Yeah, but we have had generations of career politicians and they have run this country into the ground. We need a true, leader, a businessman.

Brian: Sam, he's the host of Celebrity Apprentice.


Brian: No comment.


Brian: It's not that simple, Sam. Some of them have children that live here.


At that moment I lied and said I wasnt feeling well and left. There was no way I would last the whole debate and acknowledge I was there with this imbecile. All night there had been some tartlette parading around in sleazy garb. At one time I would have been jealous but now all I wanted Sam to do was to go home with her and have long hours of sex with someone who would have too failed any high school class. Maybe she would have his baby and they could pollute the gene pool. He was certainly getting sweet over her bad, spray on tan which is all the rage in this cest pool where he is from.

Just then I got a text from my friend Wilson, a pansexual who was often at odds with Sam. It was more because he thought Sam was as dumb as a brick wall, and Wilson was correct. Sam always felt Wilson talked down to him, and Wilson did not because he was mean or nasty, but Sam was that slow to the catch. Mind you, Sam was jealous that Wilson and I spent so much time together, but it wasn't sexual because Wilson was dating a man at the time. Rather, Wilson could use big words other than intuitively, and unlike Sam could have a conversation about something deep.

Wilson said via text, "Don't worry, I still love you. We all do."

That night I prayed to God Sam would cheat on me. I prayed he would find himself in bed with that cave girl. I prayed if not the cave girl this desperate, unsuccessful, needy, aspiring actress named Jenny who thought he was amazing. Maybe this would be the night that she would send him a nude selfie and I could be rescued!!!!! If not Jenny, maybe Julianna, a rich girl who had been to rehab multiple times with her own clothing line. Yes, any one of them. Although broke, I would still pay them. I wanted to be free from the dumb ass clown who was sucking the air that was going to my brain!

Alas, it did not happen. When I got home Sam send me a text wanting to know if he could bring me Advil for my headache. He said the debate wasn't the same without me. I just wanted to scream, "YOU PAGAN WENCHES ARE USELESS! WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU BE YOUR EASY SELVES AT THE CORRECT TIME!!!!!!?????????!!!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?"

Weeks later, we broke up. It didn't end well. How could it? As I mentioned, he was voting for Donald Trump. Although the deal breaker would be he lied, it wasn't about another woman but something else, the end had come weeks before. Sure, he was pretty. Alas, sometimes pretty things are better seen and not heard.


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