Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Go All The Way (The Raspberries)

Back in the spring of 2007, I stumbled upon an adventure. After meeting a group of men, I was invited to join a penis enlargement forum. Yes, it was a place on the internet where men could talk about their dick size, and then come up with a plan on how to get bigger, bolder, and give the ladies more bam. Okay, that is totally cheesy, but it is true.

The first time I logged onto the forum, it was men talking about how much they grew as a result of using a set of weights to enlarge their magic stick. It made me giggle the way they were so obsessed with how big their pleasure wand was. There were two rules on the forum. One was that you needed to check your spelling, and your post had to be grammatically correct. (Yes, when you talk about your dick you must have some dignity). The second was not to denigrate the penis size of any dude. I found out rule number two the hard way after posting some stupid comment about men with small penises. Anyway, I was verbally lambasted by the moderator. This was a sensitive issue for those involved.

When I went on the first few times, it was like a men's locker room. These guys were talking about what they did to chicks and where. Some talked about their sexual prowess as if they were treasure hunters who had cracked the female code. Others complained that they asked a girlfriend about her ex boyfriend and how he was in bed, and to compare the performance. Additionally, they also wanted a comparison on penis size. After not getting the answer they wanted, they engaged in revenge fucking. Then they went on the forum to whine. And then there were those guys who dated women, found out that they slept with a shit load of guys, and talked about what "sluts" these women were. As a woman, this made my head explode.

Finally I had to chime in. I let the bedroom gangsters know more often than not, they were disappointments and yes, we were pretending to enjoy it. Unfortunately, we would never get that night of displeasure back to tell them. I also told the ones who wanted their ladies to kill and tell about the past not to ask questions they didn't want the answer to. And then there was the genius of love who called a woman who screwed 50 dudes a slut but he himself had slept with 80 women. I informed him he probably had children somewhere he didn't know about, and might or might not have caught something nasty so he should be one to talk. I couldn't hold my tongue. These idiots had to be told.

There was an insurrection. A woman made the place unsafe for their manliness. I got a talkin to by one of the mods and was told to shape up or ship out. I thought about it. Female insecurity is all about weight. It is all about the face and the hair. Not to mention we never feel our useless mammary glands are big enough, or that are butt and thighs are tight enough. We fear getting old because no man will want us once we pass a certain age. For years I thought men had it made. They didn't have to worry about being sexually assaulted. As they got old and rich they could still get as much ass as they wanted. Fat guys could get by on their personality. Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe there was more to this whole dick pic than I was seeing. Perhaps this wasn't about penis size, but the way male insecurity masked itself. Men are visually driven, and therefore they want to sexually please. However, after you get rid of that total biological factor, they still wanted to be good partners. They just had different fears and worries. They worried that if they weren't sexually pleasing, they wouldn't make a woman happy. What they were really saying was, they were afraid overall, again, they wouldn't have what it took to be a good lover let alone romantic companion.

So I made nice and gave my input in discussions. Sometimes these guys had a boneheaded way of approaching women. I would gently tell them that perhaps they should change their tact. Other guys felt shy about approaching girls in general, especially a lady they liked. I would encourage them to put themselves out there. It was the only way this girl would ever know they were alive. If she didn't like them, it was her loss not theirs. And then there were those fellows who were getting to the point where things were going to go hot and heavy, and wanted some advice. The guys would recommend sex tricks, I would recommend just talking to the lady to see what SHE LIKED. While this boggled many minds, the advice did prove helpful.

A lot of young dudes on the forum began to message me. Some wanted to know what turned a woman on in bed, and if I girls truly looked down on guys who weren't as packed. They wanted to know if they should use mood music as well. I told them again, just get to know a girl. See if you want to sleep with her. Talk to her. See what she likes. Every woman was different. Again, while this boggled their minds, they found the advice helpful. It was funny and adorable at the same time. They sincerely wanted to make their ladies happy. They wanted to find true companionship with a partner. Yet sex was on their mind first and talking came second. Still, the aim was sincere and their little hearts were in the right place.

I ended up on the forum a few more months. However, I backed off. Life got big, and I didn't have time to dick around so to speak. And I made the mistake of dating a moderator, who FYI, was not well hung.

However, I will say I am grateful for my time on the forum. It got me to understand dudes in a whole new light. Men do have feelings, so much moreso than women. However, they are not as emotional. Guys do want to go out of their way to be good boyfriends and husbands, but at the same time get hung up on things like penis size. Yes, they have sex on the brain, but they also want happily ever after, they just don't express it the same. Maybe their hang up-no pun intended-is the whole penis thing. But we all have our own hang ups.

We are all crazy and insecure in our own unique way.

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  1. I always say men are people too. Women don't like it when men demand improvements with physical appearance just as much as men. We don't like to be upheld to superficial standards so if we say a man has got to drive a certain car or make a specific amount then we too are at risk of losing sight of the person as well missing potentially good partners and rel's. I never went the superficial route, save needing to be attracted to the beau, and a majority of time connected with great catches including my perfect husband.