Thursday, May 29, 2014

Penis Envy.....LOL

A Diesel Dyke is a woman who is of lesbian orientation. Most often butch identified, she works on big rigs. Okay, I am not butch identified and do not work on big rigs. What my sexuality is, I will let you come to your own conclusion about. Okay, I am bad with cars. I am a terrible driver. However, I could probably assist and fix in the middle of no where if I needed to. I am very good at being self-sufficient and figuring things out on my own.

Still, I find I personify Amazon Feminism. More often than not, I find myself in a male identified role. I am the sole occupant of my space, therefore when something is fixed I do it. For the last several years I have installed my own air conditioning. I am getting better and better with a screw driver. I carry heavy suitcases to and from my apartment. Not to mention I can lift heavy things on my own. Are my installations and repairs the best? Not always. However they get the job done.

I always find I get along best with the guys actually. Some dudes will say I am a Feminazi when I speak about gender roles and start throwing out the term feminism. Others will call me a Guy's Girl. But all discussion stop when we begin to speak about things like history. I click with guys on that level because I am a history buff. I know my wars, generals, presidents, and dictators. When you turn on the War Channel, I am glued. Football, I am glued. I can talk sports with most guys, and enjoy the conversations. Many times,when my dude friends get tickets to sporting events they take me along because not only will I enjoy it, but I'll know what's going on.

Then there are times when dudes don't like this side of me. Some men don't enjoy being bested by a woman. No Sir, you don't know all your dictators and Big Battles. And then when it comes to sports, there are guys eager to remind me about how much of a woman I am. I was doing a sports thingy recently, and one dude kind of took himself serious. I could tell he didn't like me off the bat. Aside from the fact I am extremely opinionated and can stir shit, I could tell he didn't think I belonged there. I can just feel it at this point in my life.

I don't take it personally. As a woman who is beginning to headline in the male dominated realm of standup, I am used to being reminded I am a woman. There are such polarizing views in the great rape joke debate. I just want to be funny. When I say I am a ventriloquist, people follow up with, "You don't see many women who do that."

I then inform them my sister Skipper is both a doctor and champion marksman. Women aren't plentiful in medicine and there is always a push for them. Women don't typically like guns. She likes both. So lets label comedy, ventriloquism, war knowledge, sports trivia knowledge, science, medicine, and marksmanship male things. Yes, it is offensive because it punishes people who are gender nonconforming in any way, shape, or form.

I enjoy friendships with most dudes. They are low drama and more loyal than women. I have several male friends who are like brothers to me. I would never get involved. It's not about preserving the friendship, but just the fact it would be like friend incest. I can't do it. However, they are there for me if I need anything from computer help, to joke writing help and everything in between. They don't take themselves too seriously, and nothing is off limits. This goes for my gay and straight male friends.

We run around and we have run. One of my friends Pachul is sort of a ring master for out of control people, and recently started dating a girl seriously who surprisingly does not shed clothing for a living. Another is Vinnie, who had a brief career as a pimp before he discovered women were a pain in the ass to employ. Mixed in there are the alpha males from the corner store who I discuss sports and exchange dirty jokes with. I am one of the guys in a way, if you want to gender identify me in that manner. Oh and sometimes when one gets a broken heart I even take them to the strip club. Yes, I put a dollar in her G-string, girl is working like a boss, yo.

I don't get offended by rape jokes. They are told my men who probably don't get laid anyway. I don't get offended by the c word. If a dude drops it constantly like bitch he isn't getting much and we all know it. Not to mention if a guy who doesn't ordinarily use it uses it, sometimes someone is just being a giant Ganghus Cunt. And only Cunty McCunt Cunts get offended if you drop the c bomb. Any woman who throws a hissy fit over that is probably some liberal pretender who cries racism when she has no black friends. Duhski.

Maybe this is why relationships are so hard for me. It's not that I can't get a dude, I am just wired too much like one. And there can't be two of us belching, cheering, and falling asleep after a big meal.Both of us can't know about the Odyssey and like action films. Both of us can't be buffs about sports and war. And not to mention I can take care of myself, pay for myself, and don't need his male ego in my affairs, I have a male ego of my own trapped in a petite blonde frame. So in the end there can't be two masculine forces in a relationship. Men want a lady to dote on that depends on them and constantly tells them that they are right, not an Annie Oakley who misplaced her rifle. So in the end we either become the best of friends who refuse to date again or the most bitter of enemies.

Ideally the woman I personify most if Calypso the Cave Witch. A minor deity, she imprisoned Odysseus because she could. It wasnt about love, it was an ego thing. I think she is my soul sister, unlike the game player Helen of Troy. Jesus Christ, Mr. Tietz is having a gas in the after life. Of course Calypso would share the same annoyance I have with my gender, and that is why I can't be friends with women sometimes. We want equality, but when the dude makes us split the bill on a date we scream. We want respect and equal pay, but then we use our periods and wonder why male employers don't take us seriously. We crucify women who don't chose husband and family but elect to become career women, yet we would never say that about a man who makes the same choice.

Basically this is me and this is where I am. If you don't like it don't support my career. You can go get hit by a car thus leaving my planet.

Until that time, I will be a hitchhiking survivalist who likes sports and war. Does it make me a lesbian? Does it make me have penis envy? Am I secretly a man in a woman's body? You decide.


Come see me at the Soluna Theatre, May 30-31 Happague, Long Island
Buy my book I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Check out my DVD Broke and Semi-Famous coming soon

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