Monday, May 5, 2014


It seems everyone I went to high school with is married and is having a kid. Yeah, it is totally surreal. Yesterday we were just kids. Yes, we were skipping and hopping down the street on our way to school. Then we were either gossiping in the hall, AOL chatting about MTV or whining about homework. We were kids. It's what we did. Our teachers and our parents were friend or foe depending on the second of the day. And then what happened? We became adults...

Well at least some of us did, right? It's crazy to see my old classmates getting married. Someone friends me online with a different name and I am like, "Who the hell is this?" Oh Emily Smith is now Emily Howzer. Yeah, you went to Somewhere U and now work in advertising. You married some dude who looks like he sells used cars and he does. Wow, what a cute baby you have. Say, I remember you now. Yeah, you took a childcare class. You had the battery powered baby and were annoyed every time it cried. So you went and popped those batteries out. You failed the assignment I think. Glad to see you kinda got your life together. Glad to see you didn't leave this one in the girl's locker room. Should I ask if you are aware the kid doesn't have batteries? I think you already know.

I had a friend back in the day when we were still kids obsessed with having a kid. When we were in 8th grade she lied and said she had been AWOL all summer because she had a baby. She said her mother was passing her kid off as her brother. Meanwhile another friend of mine said this was a lie, and that this was in fact her baby brother. It was. This particular friend with mommy hunger would fake a pregnancy a few more times before actually getting knocked up junior year. I remember as seniors she was giving me a ride home. She pointed out she needed a new car, but couldn't get one because now she had a kid. She also complained to my mom about how much money her kid cost between clothes and the doctors. My mom looked at her dead on. Sick of her antics my mom replied, "Well Kay, real kids cost money you know." Now she has four real ones. She's married. Maybe she's an adult.

A girl who was real mean to me in 9th grade and tried to get her friends to jump me now has kids. At first I was terrified that her kids would be future bullies seeing that she was constantly in front of the magistrate. Shortly after trying to start with me, she was kicked out of school. Later, she met her match when she stole the cellphone of a girl from a redneck town over, and got her ass beat in the Eat 'n' Park parking lot. It seemed someone had too much catfighting, and she got on track after that as far as I know. She married some military dude and now lives in Germany. Apparently one of her kids has Autism which is crazy, and she is a vocal advocate. I would never wish a special needs child on anyone, the kids are lovely but it is a hard road to walk for the whole family. However, she doesn't take any crap and fights hard for her kid. I learned long after high school she also had a home life akin to a horror show. Maybe she has found peace and happiness, maybe she became an adult so her kid has a chance.

It's weird because there is no way in hell I am anywhere close to having a kid. If I had children with some of the idiots I dated, it would be a disaster. Yes, the pregnancy test complete with tears and the search for the nearest coathanger. Also, where would I keep the kid? I think my place is small but it could go in a drawer. It would be surrounded by a bunch of puppets which means it would totally be traumatized. Oh and the fact I can't send it into the wild when I get sick of it means that perhaps I am not ready to be a parent.

Dating dudes with kids is weird though. I have done it. One dude I liked him, and his lady had a real heroin issue so he had custody. I liked him I really did, but it didn't work out. Our get togethers were restricted because he had that whole parent thing going on. Then another time the dude was nice but baby mama was a total psycho who wasn't over the breakup. Thanks but no thanks. And another time, the dudes kid saw me on TV and thought I had all this money. So he made a wish list of all the things he wanted me to get him. I don't know what's funnier. The fact he thought I had money or the fact he made the wish list in the first place. Kids are so cute.

I was hanging out with friends of mine the other night doing a gig. One of my friends is in her 40s but was dating a 25 year old an headed to a club. The whole thing was not destined to be forever. Another one of my friends has a girl he sleeps with, spends all of his time with, but claims she's not a girlfriend. Note he isn't sleeping with anyone else and we all know it is going there but we don't want to scare him. Some of my friends smoke weed, are sometimes homeless, and live on government assistance. I don't think they had us in mind when they wrote Peter Pan, but there we are, a bunch of Peter Pans.

As for me, I know I am a kid. I chase a pipe dream. Yeah, some of my hard work is continuing to pay off. Still, the only time I eat well is when my mom cooks for me. Of course I can't walk in my house. My dad sometimes asks me if I clean my apartment, which is funny. Oh, and my parents have stopped asking me when I am going to get married because it is not happening in the distant future. I get paid to dress in costumes, play with dolls, and write. My imagination gets me places. Until recently I didn't have health insurance. Despite doing one grown up thing why go there?

Still, kids are kind of funny. The other day I was over my friends house and her little grandson handed me a juice box to share. He made a racket during the Oscars. We laughed that at age 2 he is already a straight man. And then a little girl on my block was dressed as Wonder Woman and was running up and down the street. I was having a long day and I nearly fell over it was so hysterical. So yeah, kids are cute and kids are funny. So what they are a lot of work.

Maybe I might have some someday.

But first I have to grow up myself.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
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